I'm Confused

Imagine that! I'm lost and I don't know where to turn. Okay, I'm childless and I'm really fucking sick of it. I have a nice little wine buzz to so bear with me.
I don't know if I should adopt or do a shared risk cycle? And I can't seem to focus on anything right now. I've half ass called about the shared risk. Of course messages were returned while I was at work. I've read the websites of several clinics in the area that offer the shared risk. But, really. Is is worth it? Yes, I could get some of the money back for the cycles if they don't work and I'm sure they won't. But, do I want to subject myself to more IF treatments? I mean there comes a point when enough is enough.
All the losses and now the treatments. Most people that I know wonder how I keep forward with treatments? Well, I guess they don't understand the feelings of never having a family. I love children. I mean my mother sent me a Birthday card and it starts off- Daughter, blah, blah, blah. The first thought that comes to my head as I read it was. I'll never have a son/daughter to send a card to. It's just sad. I want a family. My husband would be the world's best father. He's wonderful. He's amazing with children. Chessus, he coached little league football for 12 years. Up until last year when our IF started to take it's toll. And Trinity(my niece) worships the ground he walks on.
Who knows I'm rambling and have had one too many glasses of wine. I guess I'll figure it out sooner or later. Just letting the eggs mature a little more. They were shitty at 28, which was 4 years ago. To bad they can't be like wine. Just get better with age!

Beta less than 2

Didn't expect it to be much higher. I'm actually holding up good. I really didn't think that my Lone Ranger would make it after putting some many embryos back with my previous transfers.

So as far as plan B's. Here's my thoughts during the past couple of days.
1- Need a little bit of a break, they are always so nice after negatives..
2- Don't know whether I should purse adoption or hat trick another cycle.
3- If I do cycle again, need to research a clinic that does the shared risk. 3 cycles for one lump price and money returned if it doesn't work.
4- Problem with that might be my FSH. I'm sure it's close to 10 and might not meet the requirements of a shared risk criteria.
5- Move on, forget IVF and move forward with adoption.
6- Nice tax credit with adoption.
7- Finish this nice bottle of red that I am on and forgot for 2.5 second that I'm infertile.

So tonight I will focus on #7, cheers!

So beta results from Friday...

A big huge whooping 3. Yes folks a 3. My p-4 was a 25. So, that was good to see. My nurse said I can't officially tell you are pregnant, but I can't tell you that you aren't either. It's okay. I've come to terms with this not working. I figure this might be a chemical.
But for me this is kind of reassuring if it is a chemical. Because at least I know that that the 30 something thousand dollars that we have spent has got me somewhere. A chemical. I was beginning to think my uterus was the black hole that ate embryos or something.
My birthday turned out to be much better than expected. My husband gave me a gift card to Best Buy because I've been bitching that I wanted a new camera, laptop. It's not enough for a laptop but I could get a really nice camera. He also sent me flowers. I'm such a drama queen. Nice hormones thank you.
I have another beta on Tuesday. We shall see. If it hasn't went up then it's watch out Mr. Wine Cooler. I bought 13 bottles of wine at the winery when were in the mountains this weekend.
My best friend had a little get together with another couple at her mother's mountain house for my birthday. It was so relaxing. Imagine a nice A frame house on about 20 acres of land with a pond to one side of it and a creek running though the property. A porch that wraps all the way around the house. Beautiful.... You can hear only nature.
I need that freaking house for the whole 2ww. It completely took my mind off everything being around people all weekend. Just what I needed!

What Was I Thinking?

I mean really, wtf was I thinking? Doing a beta on my birthday. Something is seriously wrong with me.
I'm going in for beta in about 30 minutes and today is my birthday.
I'm not feeling this FET worked, and it's really to freaking much. I mean I guess this is it. I don't want to go through these feelings anymore. I'm ready to move past IVF. I hate IVF! I hate waiting and I hate Birthdays.
I also hate my husband right now...
I had a card laying on the kitchen table. A fucking card. A stupid card at that and it wasn't even a Hallmark. If he thinks he's getting off with a card he's in deep shit.
Especially after his major purchase of a 5,000 dollar freaking lawnmower that we didn't really dicuss. You get a lawnmower for what? And I get a pitiful card for my Birthday. That's just extremely wrong.
I am extremely ill this morning and I'm debating if I should publish this. I feel like a monster! If the freaking beta is not over 5, I'm ditching these meds.

Self Torture and Sad Discoveries

I just read the most amazing birth story tonight. I'm still crying. I think I have cried every freaking night this week. I was on a board with about 10 women with my last IVF cycle. I think it was a cycle thread, hell, I don't remember? All I know is everyone on that thread got pregnant except me and another woman.
One of the girls I've kind of followed. Even though all the preggers dumped the thread and moved on. I still read stuff she would post. She delivered 3 weeks early on the 8th and just posted her birth story. It was very emotional for me to read it. I don't know why I torture myself with even reading those things. Not that birth stories bother me. But, birth stories when I would be due if my IVF would have worked are sometimes a little hard. I think I like to torture myself at times...

I also just realized today, this is when I had my last ectopic. I got pregnant this week/time frame last year. WTF? I didn't even realize I was doing this FET during the same time frames until one of clients came in today. She's 6 weeks along and went for her u/s on Monday and didn't get a heartbeat. She hasn't told anyone she was pregnant and actually thought she was 8 weeks along. She goes in next week for another u/s. She's the one who reminded me that we were both pregnant last year around this time. She had a m/c last year around 8 weeks and I had an ectopic. So strange how time flies...

So, here I am in the freaking 7/11 day wait. Yes, I don't have a 2ww. I have a 7 day wait and a test again on day 11! Wtf? I didn't even realize I was 7/11 until I just typed it. As I was saying, here I am. Would almost be due within the next few weeks if my last IVF would have worked. Plus, thinking about my last ectopic. Plus, in the 7/11 day wait. Is this all not messed up or what? Once again the self torturing thoughts are in play...

To top it all off! My RE's clinic calls me today at work to see "How I was holding up during the wait?" When did they start calling to check in on me? This is new. Don't get me wrong. My RE's staff is top notch when it comes to getting it. I love these ladies. Very compassionate and they actually give a shit. You're not a number you're a person! The phone call kind took me off guard. I thought lady you really don't want me to dump on you. Plus I'm at work trying to be incognito about my FET so I really couldn't go into details. It was a nice call though...

Okay, I'm like really tired this evening. First day back to work and I ended up working 9 and a half hours. I'm glad I'm back because it makes the day go by much quicker. But working that long was a bit much.
So, I checked my boards that I post on daily. When I got home this evening they were overwhelmed with crappy news today. Very sad. For those of you who had bad news today. Know that I'm thinking and praying for some good news for all of you. It's almost too much. The shit we go through to try to get pregnant with number one. Then I read several sad news postings as I did today and it literally breaks my heart. I don't understand this universe sometimes....
On another note, my husband has lost his freaking mind. I thought I turned him into a vet at this whole IVF saga. Obviously I was wrong. I come home from work this evening and I get this comment from him.
"Honey, I think it worked this time, for the past 3 days at 4:30 in the afternoon I've been getting nauseous."
WTF?
I can't even believe that came out of his mouth. I just looked at him and said, "That's nice honey."

Feeling Somewhat Better

Well, I had a really good cry last night. The last episode of 6 Feet Under didn't help the crying part out. I think I just needed to get it all out.
I'm getting out of this God Forsaken house today! I have a ton of errands to run for the house and the salon. So, hopefully that will take my mind off things.
No symptoms really. My back is sore, some on and off cramps(not bad cramps), and very freaking emotional. But that's about it. Thanks PIO!
I called my RE this morning to make sure they got the orders faxed over to my Ob/Gyn today for my beta, progestrone and estrogen check on Friday. She was like have you HPTed yet? What? I don't think the little sucker has even implanted yet! I had explain to her that I'm only like 3 days past transfer. Not good for a nurse to tell a fellow peestick addict to hpt. I've decided I'm not going to HPT this go around.
One- They are doing a beta at 7dp
Two- Sick of wasting the money
For me this is miraculous...

I'm really pure evil

So the thaw didn't go so well, we lost 2 of the embryo's. I guess I should be thankful that I got to transfer one. It was an 8 cell no fragmentation.
I feel horrible. I'm evil, bitchy, grouchy, and sick of IVF. I just want to be pregnant.
My husband is on a huge job today. He got called into to work, and I have argued with him off and on all day.
I've cried and I hate myself.
I hate the 2ww. I hate it.
Right now I feel like smoking a whole pack of cigarettes and getting drunk. Which I know I can't do, but something to help this pathetic mood. I can't stand myself right now. I just want to flash forward and be out of this whole wait. The 2ww is so freaking hard.
I don't want to talk to friends, family members, or be around anyone. I just want to be alone so I can sulk in my misery.
I really should get a grip and get over it!
Then to top if off some stupid fucker has posted a comment on my blog and I don't know how to erase it?
Any mind telling me, I would greatly appreciate it!

Nervous City

Okay, this is totally ridiculous! I told myself I wasn't going to get like this.
I couldn't sleep at all last night people. 4 hours of sleep. Now, I have to go to work and I feel like a freaking zombie.
They are thawing my embryos this morning. I guess that's why I'm such a wreck.
Chessus, I want this to work. I'm out of IVF money. I guess this is it! I have no back up but to eventually move on to adoption. Though if this is a negative. I might take another 6 month break.
I hate this feeling, where you have no fucking control over things. I was very grouchy last night. I hate being a freaking bitch too. I bit my poor husband's head off all night. I am normally not like that at all.
I guess I'm stressed, worried, medicated, and now tired.
Do you know what really amazes me? How freaking nosy people are. I had a full day on my books for Saturday. Clients back to back.
Well, it hit me if transfer is Friday! My RE normally wants you to relax and refrain from physical activity for 48 hours. So, I called my RE and told them that I forgot how long they wanted me to take it easy. Would it be okay if I worked Saturday? I was told NO! I mean doing hair is not really physical, but if you are booked all day it does get tuff from standing all day. I have a shampoo girl who helps but she can't do my clients.
So, I call my clients to reschedule their appointments for Saturday(hate doing this). I tell them that I have to have a little medical procedure( I mention nothing of the FET) done on Friday and my Dr. doesn't want me to work Saturday. Every freaking one of my clients asked, "What are you having done?" I wanted to say, "If I wanted you to know I would have told you." But, I tell them just something simple! "When do you want to reschedule you nosy fuckers?" Well, I didn't use fuckers but I felt like it! Do I ask clients nosy questions? Hell no! I feel if they want to tell me they will. I don't pry. What is it with people?
Brian and I leave for TN tonight. We decided to stay Friday night too. That way after transfer I can just go back to the room and chill. We won't have to ride on curvy/bumpy roads for 2 and a half hours.
I don't have a lap top so I will not have a way to check my boards or my blog. I will be totally crazy without internet! I might have to go purchase a laptop this afternoon.
Well, this is it!
Farewell my friends, I shall return Saturday. Hopefully, with 3 nice grade embryos in me that will stick around.

I look like a blown up fatass!

It's kind of sad, I mean I look pregnant from the drugs... Thank you so much estrace, prednisone, and progestrone. Such lovely little drugs. In both my IVF cycles, I have never looked this blown up.
I had to go purchase some fat clothes today. Pathetic huh?
So, the self- injecting PIO is going off without a hitch.
Things are moving right along. Transfer is at 11:00 am on Friday.
Brian and I will leave Thursday evening for the hotel, as it's a two and half hour drive to the hospital/clinic where transfer takes place. Not looking forward to that. But, the hotel is sweet, I also get a discount because my clinic has a deal with the hotel. To bad my clinic doesn't give discounts out to the multiple failed cyclers or how about negative, bad attitude, cyclers? I would probably qualify for a free cycle with but of those under my belt!

Thank You

So, the initial shock of the death of our friend/family member has eased up somewhat.
Thank you so much everyone for everyone's responses.
While I have kept this FET so quiet, my father did not realize my transfer is Friday. When I spoke to him last night, he told me that I need to go through with this. To not worry. Dan would want it this way. Which he would! He actually told me that maybe Dan is watching out and can somehow make this work for once!
My heart breaks for my father as he has lived with this man for over 21 years.
My husband and I talked about taking some time off work. I think we are going to plan a trip maybe over my father's birthday which will be Sept. the 10th. I need the time off work, and I can also help my father.
Thanks again to all.

Swoop....

I guess I spoke to soon with yesterday's bloggings. My roller coaster just took off down hill, onceafuckingin!
My father's best friend passed away last night. My transfer is in 5 days.
Can I pull off a funeral 900 miles away and still a make it to transfer? Or do I send flowers and be the world's worst daughter and not be there for my father? And not pay my respects to someone who was like my freaking Uncle?
For once in my life, I'm speechless.
I don't know what the fuck to do?

Listening to the clicks...

I feel like at this point in my life I am thankful for a lot of what I have. I tend to forget about how fortunate I am at times. I am very happy 90 percent of the time.
Life's good!
I could travel a little(a lot) more but I love my life. I really do. I can't complain. If I would die tomorrow, I would know I have had a very nice life. Not saying I'm ready for to be over. Because I'm not! But, I have a nice house, nice vehicles, and a successful business(though it could be more lucrative at times).
I am blessed with a stong, caring, husband. Lord knows, anytime you go through IVF it will test the stongest marriages!
I can remember our first cycle...
I was 29 and I thought, what the fuck is going on? It was a very rough time for us. I mean we had some really bad arguments. It's not only hard on women, it's no cakewalk on the your partner either. But eventually it makes you stronger as a couple! Or it has with us.
It killed my husband to try to give me shots. He would get dizzy and weak(he still does). For Brian to give a IM shot I have to beg or raise total hell.
Me: Please honey, the shots don't hurt and it's even harder for me to do it.
Him: Call my Daddy honey, you know I can't do it!
Me: Walking in with the shot already mixed.
Him: Fuck honey!
Me: You can do this dear, it doesn't hurt. Please.
Him: Honey please don't make me.
Me: Sick of begging, pulling my pants down cleaning the area. Sticking my ass in his face.
Him: Dammit Kim!
Me: Noticing sweat on his forehead.
Him: Okay, I'll try! hands now shaking
Me: Just fucking do it! Here, I'll give you one so you'll see they don't hurt!
Him: HELL NO, you won't!
He just can't handle the shots. I tell him it doesn't hurt but he knows sometimes they don't feel the best. So, when he turns pale(this is my sign)! Okay, I won't push it any farther. I'll self inject!
I guess our marriage was tested from the beginning. A month after our honeymoon we were dealing with a d&c, which was a miss diagnosed ectopic.
A year later another ectopic and surgery for it.
6 months later it was on to IVF cycle number one! Which failed and our second wedding anniversary was 2 days later!
Started IVF cycle 2, five months later, with a new RE. Had to stop the cycle during the lupron phase. Then ended up gettig pregnant(ectopic again) during the lupron. Had surgery to remove my last tube and the ectopic. Waited 2 months to cycle again and thought..
This it it?
This IVF cycle is going to work. My tubes are gone, I'm with a much better group of RE's. I just needed another try. It was shitty clinic number 1's fault and this time I'll make it work! So at this point, we had only been married for a little over 2 years.
Isn't this what all honeymooners do?
This is where my control freak nature kicks in!
For my next cycle I'll visualize dammit, I'll do acupuncture, I'll pray more, I won't use the patch, I'll just quit smoking.
I'll take all the right vitamins, I'll eat pineapple(I know trust me).
I'll take off work around cycle time and yes, I'll relax(I know again).
I'll stay positive(puke).
I'll eat very healthy and no more junk food. I'll drink in moderation and not during any during the cycle.
So what did I get with that cycle?
Some better quality embryo's, a nervous breakdown at 6 days past transfer, and a big fucking negative cycle.
You can't control IVF!
I mean the embryo quality was much, much, better! But, that could be because I was with a more successful clinic/lab! I like to think I had a lot to do with that because of contol factor stated above. But, who knows?
Like I said, you can't control IVF.
So, what I'm basically trying to say is,
I can hear the clicking...
You all know the sound. It's the ride of IVF.
The roller coaster part of it.
Right now my ride is going up the hill clicking every so slowly(thanks FET).
I'm happy right now.
The estrogen is agreeing with me.
I've quit smoking,
I've exercised.
I'm eating half-ass nutrious.
I've enjoyed a glass of wine now and then.
I'm not stressed as much because it's easier(thanks again FET).
I've also told far less people about it!(like hardly no one)
But, the drop always comes, it hasn't failed me yet!
I know what to expect with the drop and I don't like it! I actually hate the fucking scary swoop!
I mean I really want this to work, I'm hoping. I hate that too.
I feel 85 percent sure this isn't going to work.
I'm trying to stay real about things to prevent the crash.
But, dammit I want it to work...
I don't want my roller coaster to crash because my ride has been nice lately!
I guess what sucks is I don't know what to expect if this doesn't work.
I mean I do, but I don't!
I have a my back up plan, but then again I don't!
The nice thing about IF,
Somedays when you're least expecting it.
Watch the fuck out! Here come's the swoop down hill.
It sucks and the shitty thing about it is...
You never know when the lows are going to be really low.
Click, click, click..

Goodbye Mr. Coffee

Parting with you is such sweet sorrow. How will I exist without the pep you put into my step each morning?
I'm a total Java Head, so this is yet another vice I have to let go of.
Farwell my friend, though I'm sure it won't be for long. But, in my heart I pray it's for a good long while.
So, today will be the last day of my coffee. I normally have one to two cups in the moring to get me up and going.
Though I don't drink any other drinks with caffiene in them.
Goodbye, my creamy friend....

So This Is It?

Only 2 appointments with the wand? That's all I get? I feel used!
I was ten minutes late for my appointment this morning. Thanks asshole husband for forgetting to reset the alarm.
I was greeted and wheeled straight back to the blood drawl room, and then hustled over to the wand room.
Lining is at a 9.
After wand room, it was discussion time with the RE, and then off to chat with the nurse. I needed a quick update on PIO, since I used Crinone with my last cycle. I forgot which gage needle I use to inject the hell oil with. Praying that the PIO doesn't cause the rash/hives/allergic reaction that I had the first go around.
Transfer is set for next Friday, the 19th.
I will find the time out this Wednesday.
Hell oil starts on Monday along with the prednisone. I'm already bloated from the estrogen, I'm sure I'll look lovely by transfer date. Happy Birthday to me, I gained 10 pounds for my birthday.
Thanks IF treatments...
So, all that's left for me to obsess about now is the thaw process. Praying those 3 guys make it through. Not that it matters, but I can always hope just a little.
So, I guess this is it!

Can I wear a skirt and skip the panties?

I know how trashy that is but really, I just want to jump up on the freaking table at the RE's tomorrow morning and skip all the bullshit of changing and putting that damn sheet thingy that always rips around you. Always leaves the ass nice and exposed too. That way the couchie cam can go in, see if the lining is plumping up, and be done with it.
Oh the joys of IF...
Not to mention the 1 and a half drive up there and then the drive back. And then straight to work. Fun, fun here I come.
I've noticed a little bloat action going on too. I stepped on the scales this morning, not a good thing. I'm up about five pounds but haven't really been eating much more than normal. Who knows? First time on estrace for me so I have no idea what the fuck is going on.
Will update lining progress tomorrow evening.

Flying By

So, today is day 5 of estrace and strangely no side effects kicking around. My next scan is thursday and this is flying by for me. A FET is much, much, easier than a fresh cycle. I mean I knew it was going to be easier, anytime there's no needles involved through the whole process, or no needles going through your uterus to retrieve eggs is a very good thing.

So, if I ever cycle again, I'm going to ask my RE to overstim me. If that's possible. First IVF, low dose of stims, five eggs, and three were mature. Second IVF almost max stims, 7 eggs, five were mature. So, if I go to the max amount of stims maybe I'll get 7 mature eggs.

Okay, look at me talking about cycling again. I have no idea where I'll get the money. Maybe from the tree growing in the back yard. Everyone has a money tree don't they?

Forgot to mention that my mother was in this weekend. They found a house in SC. She will be 2 hours away now. So, that will be nice. We had a really nice and civil discussion about some of our issues and I feel much better.
I think my mother caught my PMS wrath this month instead of my husband....

Green Light GO!

So all is good. This morning's appointment with the wand went well. My lining is nice and thin, no cysts, and the bloodwork should be in this afternoon. They said no news is good news. I was giving a prescription for Estrace and told to take 2 a day until Monday. Then I start 3 a day.
Next appointment is Thursday at 10am.
My nurse asked as she was drawing my blood, " Are you excited?" Well, to tell you the truth not really. I told her this had been a very long road, and I've learned it's not fun to get your hopes up. The crash is too damn hard to handle. She didn't comment back and looked kind of saddened for me.
This feels totally weird. Like I am just doing nothing. I guess when the PIO starts, I'll feel a little better. I think I could get use to FET's. Too bad I might not ever cycle again.
This is kind of sad, I was thinking about this during my long drive back from the RE's. This is it. If this doesn't work, it's going to be some serious time before I can afford or attempt to cycle again. Plus, I feel like we have already sunk so much money in the efforts already, what is the point to really break the bank? Not that there is a whole lot left in the bank. But, to have nothing to show for it but a lot of heartache is getting old.
Yes, I want a child, but I really want to be able to afford the child when it arrives. I don't see another cycle this year. That's for sure. And I know with moving forward with the adoption process I won't feel like I'm dumping money on nothing. So if this cycle is a negative it might be a little tuffer than the last(if it can get worse). I know I should think positive, but after so many failures I can't!
Maybe when things get a little closer hope might set back in, but for now. I'll stick with the numbness and semi-excitement of this whole process. Hope sucks....

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING?

What the hell? More Springer action around here. But, this isn't the funny kind of laugh your ass off Springer shit.

My father called this morning and his best friend is in a freaking coma. My father and this man have lived together for like 21 years. If you didn't know them and you were a guest for dinner you would think they were married. They act like it! But, my father has a long time girlfriend.

My father sounded way upset and said that he thought he would go before Dan(his friend). One- I really didn't want to hear that from my father. And two- If Dan passes I have to be there for my father. Plus, I have to pay my respects also. Dan has never missed any special occasion in my life. He was also the one who along with my father when I moved back down south as a teenager. Decided that I needed to go to college up north. I got college brochures for years after I moved back south. He even called me once and told me that he would pay for my college if I would move back home. Like I my father would have let him do that.

This man is like my Uncle. Oh this sucks! They think his liver is failing, his lungs are filling with fluid, and Dad said he is all yellow. I just talked to this man like 4 days ago trying to find my father and he said all was fine.
I can't believe this. Dan has been is a wheelchair for the past 10 years due to a serious fall at his job. So I guess a lot of paraplegics often get UTIs. The doctors are saying there are high amounts of ammonia is his blood. My father said he knew that Dan hasn't been feeling well and told him he needs to get checked for a UTI. They ended up admitting him to the hospital and now this?
I don't even know what to think. Looks like I might be heading back up North again. Cheesus, I pray this man pulls through!

AND THERE IS BLOOD PEOPLE

Started my period today.... WOHOO and of course I was wearing white panties(brand new thongs at that).
Never freaking fails. New panties and here comes my period. Not that I'm complaining but I would have put the panties on Monday if I would have known that is all it took.
So, I have a nice appointment with the dildo cam Friday morning at 10:00 and let's not forget the vampires too.
Estimated transfer (if the embryos make it through the thaw) will be around the the 19th or 20th.
So here's the problem, my friend is throwing a big birthday bash for me at her parent's mountain house. Weekend of the 26th. Really looking forward to it. But, how do I explain the not drinking.
Humm..
And the second hand smoke is going to drive me nuts. I hate to say well... "Can't make it, you see, I'm in the middle of the 2 fucking week wait." Then everyone knows.
Crap!
Maybe I can just act like I'm drinking and flush the wine.... Any sugestions greatly appreciated?
Can RE's do beta's a 7 days past? I mean I could tell my RE we are going out of town for 2 weeks and I really need the beta! My clinic does beta at 10 days past anyway. What's 3 days early? I know what my RE will say, "Just hpt at 12 days past!"
FUCK...
I don't think I can figure out the win-win situation with this one.

Red Siren, Where art thou?

So, last night when I got home from work. I started to have the worst cramps in the world. I was like "wohoo" this is it. My period is here. Go to the bathroom and nothing.
You know, I never noticed that I had pre-cramps before the actual cramps. I never really paid attention while waiting to start.
So, I've told no one about this FET, and it's going to be fun for me. If I feel I need to open my big mouth to friends about something I"ll talk about my not smoking.
Normally with past 2 IVF's I told everyone. I mean I could have literally hung a big banner from my house that said, Going through IVF!
But, with the FET it's became silence city. I even told my husband last night that he could tell his parents but, and I mean big huge but, if they don't hear any news it means it didn't work. Okay? We don't need a million phone calls on beta day asking why it didn't work. Yes, they called twice last beta day and asked why it didn't work! So basically no news is bad news. I just can't deal with everyone asking " So are you?" " Did it work?" This is the best " Well, why didn't it work? What's wrong with you?" FUCK IF I KNOW PEOPLE!
This is going to be a lot easier not telling. Because now if it's another negative. I don't have to explain to anyone. I'll lock myself in my bathroom and have my little mental break down on my own.(borrowed that from a friend)
But, please oh fertility gods, Can I just catch a break this time? I mean failed 2 IVF cycles and six losses. I need this!