Surgery Scheduled

For March the 9th. Not really looking forward to it, but atleast I have somewhat of a plan. I don't plan on cycling for a couple of months after my surgery. As you all know, I'm somewhat of a waiter. Not a big fan of back to back cycles. I also want to give my poor uterus time to heal properly.

I would like to thank everyone for the comments on my last post. It was a really hard day for me. I went in expecting to cycle this month and was hit with the news on my septum. I think that was one of the hardest days I've ever experienced, right up there with the pain of some of my losses.

While I'm very happy it was found, I'm also very pissed at my former REs.

I have a follow up consult scheduled for Feb. the 13th with my last RE( he performed the hysteroscopy). He thinks it's for my failed FET cycle. Ha! Little does he know. In a perfect world, I would like to think this man would offer to refund my money spent on the fresh and frozen cycles with him. But, in the real world, I know this will never happen.

I've had several people tell me I should sue him. I really don't have the energy, I would just like a refund for my cycles. I know that things are mis-diagnosed on a daily basis, so I'm sure since this wasn't a life threatening condition, I don't stand a chance.

I can only look forward from here on out.

On another note, I'm thinking of changing over to typepad. I'm sick of blogger being down every time I want to post something. So, we might have a whole new look in a couple of days.

Thank you all, again, for all of the support. It means the world to me!

Hope For The Best.

Receive the worst.

Boy o boy, if I could only draw everyone a picture of my reproductive system. Trust me, it's not a pretty picture folks.

I can not stress enough how important it is to find a really good RE. Seek second, third, and fourth opinions if you must! If you have been dealing with IF for more than a year. Move straight to an RE.
Run don't walk.
I'm totally numb. I've been crying on and off since 12 a.m. this afternoon.

Shall I start the day out from the beginning?
Do you really want to hear me whine?

Around 4 a.m. I am awaken by my wonderful(ratbastard) cat. I don't mean that in a bad way, I swear. I love the little fellow but, do I really need to be awaken to him rolling in a ball like sonic the crazed hedgehog for 15 minutes at 4 in the morning.

6 a.m.- Shower make coffee. Drink coffee and get ready for my 3 hour drive to see RE number 3, the big consult I've been looking so forward to. HA!

6:45 wake B up and tell him to start getting ready.

7:11 - 7:22- agonize over what the fuck to wear. Do I want to go comfy or fashionable? Try on 4 paris of pants, 15 shirts, 2 different bras, 2 different panties, 6 pairs of shoes and three different necklaces.

7:300- fuck it, just throw something on safe.

7:33- leave the house with my suitcase full of consent forms and medical history.

7:33 -10:35- Ride with husband and listen to him bitch about traffic(it was really bad). Try to ignore him and read the latest book I've started.

10:41- Try to find a parking spot at new clinic. Find one and some bitch cuts in front of B and takes the spot.(HA, lucky for her I'm not stimming)

10:45- Arrive at new clinic and sign in. Hand over insurance information and well you know the drill

11:05- Called back by nurse. Very sweet, checks my blood pressure(a little high), I then explain cut off in the parking lot and traffic. She ask some medical history. We laugh, life's good. Taken back to Mr. Wonderful( aka my new RE)

Are you bored yet? Get ready for some waiting...

11:21- Mr. Wonderful walks in. We talk about my history...
He scans over my medical back ground and starts drilling me with questions esp, about my other protocols. He then review my pregnancies. Starts asking several more questions and starts taking notes. We discuss my surgeries. Talk more protocol. He then explains the next set of test he would like to run.
Blood test that involve 9 viles of blood to be drawn.
Also known as a habitual aborter panel. It includes screening for lupus anticoagulant, Anticardiolipin IgM, IgG, IgA, Thrombophilia, Genetic evaluation, Immunologic Factors, and endocrine normalities.
Which is basically boils down to a whole lot of blood people. I begged, pleaded with my last RE to run these test. My last RE didn't believe in them. It's just my tubes, that's the only problem.
We talk more protocol(he promises to fine tune it when I have my day 3 fsh results in), in order to achieve a better response next time I cycle, and sends me to the room across the hall for my saline ultrasound. Sends B off to the porn room and I'm a happy camper.
A RE how agrees to test and believes in them? You've got to be kidding, and I was mad because you made me wait 26 minutes... Okay you're forgiven.

11:51- Keep watching the u/s machine, the clock is ticking. Mr. Wonderful might be getting a quick bite to eat. Nope, I think I hear him with another patient? I here my chart shuffling. Is that him? Nope back to the book.

12:04- Well there you are sunshine, what took you so long? I then explain how I've never had a saline ultrasound. I've had an hsg, back in the day when I had a tube and a nube(my ob/gyn sent me to my local hospital for one) when I was a little pup wet behind the years.
All is going well. He's explaining his findings. Ask if I only had one ovary. I wanted to ask him if he read my chart, but bite my lip. I explain to him that the right ovary he was looking for was covered with adhesions. And I've been told that my ovaries are really small.
Oh yes, I've found it. Shows me my resting follicles(11 or 12 resting) Explains that I should get a much better response with my upcoming cycle, that previous RE's should have use a different protocol(you think?). And then things get really quiet. Nurse and I are chit chatting . Nurse even comments on how quiet Mr. Wonderful just got.
He then said I'm concentrating.
Okay? I then hear these 3 words.
YOU HAVE A UTERINE SEPTUM!
What?( did I just hear that correctly?)
I then mumble something along the lines of,
So that's where my embryos are going!
I get really quiet also.
Chatty nurse pats my knee.
He then starts showing me everything on the u/s screen after he injects another round of saline.
From then on things start getting really blurry. He tells me to get dressed and he'll explain his findings.
I'm fighting back the tears, I know it's not good.
I sit on a bench outside of the u/s room and I'm sure I look like I just got punched in the gut. My brain is racing.
How could this have possibly went un diagnosed when I've had a fucking hysteroscopy from my last RE? How? How do you miss this?
B walks up with a little grin on his face. Wish I was grinning. Looks at me and knows that something is wrong.
What's wrong dear, is everything okay?
I mumbled, not good, I'll let Mr. Wonderful explain.
Mr. Wonderful takes B and I back into his office again.
He explains the good, I guess if you consider 10/11 resting follicles good news.
And then moves into the septum spill.
He draws a picture of what he was seeing so that I'll understand better. And well I have a complete nervous break down on him. He shows B and I the u/s photos again and goes over them thoroughly.
How much can one person take? My cup has runnit over with shit fucking luck.
He then explains the surgery to fix the septum. It's really quite simple or so Mr. Wonderful said.
I'm not really hearing things too well at this point.
I do manage to ask if it involves another fucking laporscopy? Please God,no more surgeries. No more incisions on my stomach.
I did here a no on that.
Also heard simple procedure with little recovery time. Would just set me back a month or two on cycling. Heard the words hysteroscopic metroplasty and something about a catheter/balloon being place in my uterus while I heal. Heard some thing about taking hormones during the healing time to quiet the uterus and decide to cry some more.

Mr. Wonderful then told me they have great success rates with this procedure. He then goes on to tell me that he can not cycle me without the surgery.
That women with septums like mine are not able to carry a baby to term. Could be the reason that 2 of my ectopics were ify about being a actual ectopic.

Mr. Wonderful leaves the room and sends the nurse in to take me over for my labs.
9 viles.

My loving husband tells me to stop blaming myself. I can't control this. I really can't. He doesn't understand the anger I'm feeling. I've seen incompetent Dr. after incompetent Dr. and I'm pissed for wasting so much money.

Blood drawn, back to Mr.Wonderful's office. We wait some more.

Mr. Wonderful strolls in and tells me his nurse will call to set me up for surgery. That may husband's semen analysis is perfect. Yes, I know this.

We check out and leave.

I cry on and off the whole ride home. We arrive home sometime after 5pm.

I don't know what to do.

So that's the long awaited consult in a fucking nutshell. I drafted some of this last night. I'm mentally exhausted at the moment.

I want to call in to work but I have a full day on my book.

Life goes on I suppose.

2 Days

But who's counting? Tuesday is the big day for the consult. Looks like no natural disasters, snow storms, or ice storms are around the bend.
Will she make it is the question? Stay tuned people.
We had a little scare with my husband's blood work on Friday. Our new clinic called on Tuesday leaving this on the answering machine.
Mr. So and So, this is asshole nurse, calling with the results of your blood work. Will you please return my call as soon as possible?
So, I , being the wonderful wife that I am, took it upon myself to return B's call. The lady's voice mail said it may take 24 to 48 hours to return any messages left. Well, 48 hours later, I still had not heard from the lady. I finally call again Friday morning.
The nurse(or whatever the hell she is) said that she had been out of town and she apologized(so nice of her) for not calling us back sooner. She then proceeds to tell me that she can not give me my husband's results that she needs to talk to him! WTF?
So, I go into panic mode and start assuming the worse. I asked her if things are okay, she said once again I can't release any results to you. WTF?
My husband is over a huge job and doesn't really have time to call, but I phone his cell phone as soon as I hung up with the evil lady. I tell him to call her immediately! I think the worse about every situation so of course my brain is going crazy.
Then I wait.
B doesn't call me back for a full 20 minutes.
B finally calls and said that all of the blood work came back fine. She needed to speak with him about setting his chart up. Now, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT ABOUT? Could she not have just explained that to me?
No! That would have been too simple! She had to send me into full panic mode. I know that they are not suppose to release stuff to outside sources. But come on now. A simple statement such as everything is fine would have been wonderful.
Nothing is every simple with my life.
On a much more positive note!

GO PANTHERS!

Reasons Why I Love IVF

Part 2

Well, as you see this took me some time to compose....

1- I love the fact that IVF has worked for so many people. Tends to bring the hope back into my life.

2- It has given me the chance of possibly having a baby one day. If it wasn't for IVF, I would never have a second chance to conceive on my own considering I'm tubeless.

3- I've met some really wonderful women/friends during this process that really understand and get the whole infertile thing. Because, lets just face it, not too many out there in the real world get it. They are wonderful support and I will cherish those friendships even though I have never met some of them.

4- Saving the best for last. The retrieval drugs. Gotta love the drugs...

I think that pretty much sums it up. I could have actually added more to reasons to why I hate it and I may continue once I get these cycles underway. That is if I'm accepted into this program. Certain surgeries may not let me. The fact that I'm a poor responder and the fact that my fsh was high at 28 years of age, isn't real positive. I hate to see it now at 32 years old. Here's hoping for the best but expecting the worse! Cheers!

6 more days people! I'll be there next Tuesday come hell or high waters! I think I probably just jinxed myself with that statement, considering all that has went down, but what the hell. There better not be any natural disasters next Tuesday or I'm going to be really pissed.

Reasons why I hate IVF

Part 1

1) Hate that I'm out of pocket. It has cost me a small fortune for failure.

2) Hate shooting up. Really don't enjoy the needles.

3) Hate the huge emotional roller coaster ride of the whole process.

4) Really pissed me off that I have to spend all this money and still no guarantee that I'll take home a child.

5) I've had enough surgeries, ectopics, and d&c's to last a lifetime. If I do get pregnant, petrified of another loss.

6) Hate the fact that I have to drive almost 5 hours(round trip) to see this new RE.

7) Always fight with my husband when going through this process. Sick of fighting over trying to have a baby.

8) Have to sneak around and do this shit because my Irl friends and family drive me crazy about my infertility.

9) Not really looking forward to another round with the dildo cam.

10) Not to mention the huge needle going through the uterus just sucks big one's also.

11) I just want to get pregnant the good ole fashion way and the fact that I have to do IVF pisses me off because it's such a roll of dice. Unpredictable.
.
12) Hate missing work because everyone will know what I'm doing.

13) Hate the whole drama over how many fucking eggs am I going to make. Will I get cancelled. Will they fertilize? Will this embryo decide to stick around?

14) I just hate it all.... I'm sure I could come up with more at the moment but my brain is mush!

Stay tuned for reasons why I love it. HA!

I SUPPOSE

A good blogger should blog more than once a month. Sorry for the absence. It seems with all the excitement of the holidays I neglected my blogging.

Christmas was wonderful. My husband spent entirely too much money. What's new he always does. He bought me a new digital camera. YAHOO for good pictures. A gold necklace, giftcard to Victoria's Secret, a giftcard to one of my favorite clothing stores, new pajamas, slippers, perfume... Too much shit if you ask me.

My mother and her husband came in Christmas day. Trinity came down Christmas day also. It was a nice Christmas.

New Year's was spent snowboarding with my husband and friends. I had a ball. This is the first New Year that I can remember not being shitty drunk. I didn't drink Saturday night because I didn't want to die snowboarding. By the time we got back to our cabin I was extremely tired. I wish I would have remembered to take some pictures of us snowboarding. This was my third time snowboarding and I finally made it down the more advanced slopes without falling. I actually made it down twice without falling. I've got the heel edging down my next goal is to work on toe edging. Maybe, if I work enough nerve up, I might attempt to hit a box or rail on our next trip. Yes, pretty scary.

My husband surprised me with a new Burton snowboard, boots, and bindings. I sent him to go pick up my rentals Saturday morning and he came home with the new gear instead. I'm a very happy camper to say the least. Totally surprised me with that. We had talked about the purchase earlier that week. I told him that it was entirely too much money to be spending with our consult approaching. Well, I guess he didn't feel the same. I can't be mad because I really wanted the gear.

This New Year was much better than last. Last year I started my period on New Year's Eve. It sucked considering I was in the 2ww for my second IVF. It was just so nice for me to enjoy Christmas and the holidays this year. I really thought that last year I wasn't bothered by cycling over the holidays. I realized this year how much it consumed me.

Nothing else to report. Gearing up for my consult on the 24th. I'm actually getting a little excited about the situation. Very weird for me.

Hoping that 2006 will better year for me and everyone!