A Friend Is Teasing

Okay, why is it that when you are getting ready to undergo Art treatments it feels like an eternity waiting on your period? Any other time you could care less when it comes or if it even decides to show up.
I have had phantom cramps for the past two days. What's up with that? I'm not suppose to start my period until next Friday/Saturday. Of course, it would be so nice to start a week early. My period normally comes every 21 to 27 days. When I'm doing acupucnture it's 27 days on the dot. Down to the same starting hour each month also. Now that's freaky. But, I have only had one acupunture session this month. So, I doubt I'll be regular. More than likely with my luck, I'll be late!
Ready for the evil red bitch to show her face anytime now..
I'm ready to get this show on the road.

Sick Of The Heat

What happened to this weather? Really missng the snow and cooler weather. I mentioned yesterday at work that I'm sick of this sticky, muggie, non-breathable heat. With the heat index it managed to reach 116 the other day. Supposedly our cold front came through. 91 yesterday people! That's not a cold front!
It's also less than five months until Christmas. Can you believe this? Another year has almost passed and still no child for Kim.
I am managing to deal with the fact that a genetic child just might not be in our future.
One nice thing about this year is no IF treatments over the holidays. That is unless I hit the jackpot or something. I'm ready for fall and winter. The heat this year is a bit much!

Ran Over

Omg, let's just say I'm out of shape and this is pathetic! I worked out on Monday and I still can hardly move today. I have never ever been this sore from doing yoga! Ridiculous! My abs even hurt. I feel like I've been ran over by a Mack Truck. I know you are suposse to take a day off when you exercise, and that was yesterday. So, I really need to work out again today. I know it will help out with the soreness! Buy man ole man, I didn't realize what going 2 months without exercise will do to the ole body.
So, I took my patch off yesterday afternoon! Not that I meant too! It just kind of happened. I think I actually sweat it off. I was shopping and it was like a 106 outside. To freaking hot. When I got into the mall I noticed that it had slipped off. Well, after a good 2 hour shopping spree(oh the joys of shopping). I came home and fixed dinner. Went to bed and woke up this morning and was like. Holy crapola, I haven't had a patch on since 4:00pm yesterday and I haven't smoked! I think I'm making progress people. I'm still going to put my patch on today. Because of the times before I've tried to quit, I never really followed the program. And I still think of cigs. But, it's nothing like in the beginning. 2 weeks today of being smoke free. Not even a puff. You really have to want it to quit. The times before I think I was doing it just to get through my cycles. But, now I want it for myself.
Well, time for another round of exercise torture!

Cycle Buddy Fairy

I think I'm the cycle buddy fairy at times..
Really first IVF, cycled with 3 women. Everyone got pregnant but me.
Second IVF, cycled with about 10 women and everyone got pregnant but me and another lady.
Which leads me to now. I am doing this FET with no one. I don't want to be a fucking cycle buddy. That way I might get the luck of the draw this go around. I don't want to support anyone cycling around my time either. Call me evil, but I don't give a fuck. It's my turn dammit!
Enough is enough, when is my ship going to arrive here people?
It's all about me!
Okay, I'll support a few but chez, am I ever going to catch a break?
And this rips my ass too...
I need to google this statistics, but on the "Other Board" that I lurk on.
What is it with everyone getting preggo on their first IVF?
Come on people,
It really doesn't work like that. Or maybe it does and I just have a fucked up uterus!

Well, I'm Back

The Berkshires were beatuiful as usual, and dad is recovering well! Even though he insisited on riding his Harley Friday to pick up a prescription. I asked him what the hell did he think I was up in MA for? My health?
It was kinda of funny that we both were on the patch for smoking. Old habbits die hard. Very nice to be in my own bed last night.
FET is coming up sooner than expected..
While I'm ready to get the shit over with and move on.
I feel like I'm ready to prolong it another month.
My period should be coming in 2 weeks. Not really sure that I'm ready.
Damn, I'm so wishy-washy. I'm driving myself crazy.
Should I wait( something that I've become quite good at) or go for it!
Chessus, none of this is easy!
See, this is where things get tricky.
My best friend informs me over the phone last night that she has planned a party for my birthday at her parents mountain house.
Great, thank you!!!
My bad, I forgot that I will be in the mist of the wonderful 2ww! While the mountain house is the most relaxing place! How miserable is a birthday weekend with friends drinking in my honor, and me sipping on water and amped up on PIO and estrogen? What a bundle of joy I will be!
CHESSUS....
I think I have ruined every major holiday due to cycling.
Easter.... check
Christmas and New years... check-check
Now my birthday...check-check-check
Do I really want to do this? Fuck, I guess there really is no perfect timing.

Off To The Races

Well, not the races, but off to see my sick father. He's in the hopital for pneumonia(sp)... So I will be flying out tomorrow morning to see him. I will be back Saturday.
I hate flying and my parents are really to far away. This shit sucks so bad.
Take care all and will update when I return.
Good luck to all my friends having scans, cycling, and not doing anything but waiting.
Love to all!

Support boards...

Well, let's just say I'm bored and I've seen some shit tonight.
I guess I've been with the darkside for far to long. I have tremendous amounts of support from online friends at a certain board that I post on. They are for woman who experience IF and Ivf. These women are amazing. And most of them have been through the same tragic amounts of shit, while TTC.
I should write out some checks because to tell you the truth, they are my shrinks. Friends that I can vent to, be angry, cry, bitch, and lets not forget to mention..
Whine,
Yes whine, with my wine! And sometimes we whine online, with our wine in hand. A little of my poetic self shining through with that last sentence.
But, sometimes I lurk on other boards. And being bored tonight I wanted to be a little shit and stir things up on the other board. But, I didn't! The other board is just freakin to much. I use to frequent this other board back in the days before gloom and doom set in. It was always so "baby dusty". I really just want to go to other board tonight and post, WILL SOMEONE PLEASE,FOR THE LOVE OF CHEESUS,EXPLAIN BABYDUST??? What the fuck is it? And why do people say that? I was positive but never a duster.
I just don't get it at all?
Okay, I know it's Friday night and I'm that pathetic! I am sitting home crying in my beer about baby dust.
I'm just so thankful for my darksided friends.. and did I mention no cigs in 3 days? Incase anyone in cyber world cares!

Addiction

2 days down and hopefully a zillion more to go with no cigs. I'm smelling much better and feeling much better, but I had to patch up to get me through the withdrawls. Hey, it's better than killing people or taking the withdrawls out on Brian! He's really put up with more than his share with me. So, I felt like going into a withdrawl rage on him might not be the best thing to do. I always seem to take my frustrations out on him! I'm really going to try not to go back to smoking if I do experience another negative cycle. I mean I really don't want to die of lung cancer or have to tote an oxygen tank around with me when I get older! So, this is it for me. I'm going to atleast try to keep that promise to myself. In my efforts to quit smoking I had to bypass my coffey this morning, which means I might need to bypass my beer/wine this evening.
So, my plan is to take the patch off in a week and go from there. Weather it works or not, we shall see.

So it just hit me...

Yep, I believe I'm back on the cycle wagon. Not cycling yet, but all the fun bullshit that goes along with it is getting ready to kick back in gear.
1- Drinking in moderation(this one isn't so hard)
2- Quitting smoking!(this one is going to kill me)
3- No special cigarettes(easy)
4- Proper diet and exercise(not hard once I start)
5- Avoid medications for nerves(no xanax, easy enough)
6- My favorite of the above, start the acupuncture back up.

Okay, now I sound like a freakin junky. But, this IVF shit is no joke. I mean why shell out thousands of dollars to not try everything possible to get winning results? The grand BFP, and maybe I might be lucky enough for it to stick around. Yeah right, who am I fooling?
I think I just caught a glimpse this evening of Ms. Positive trying to return.
Really, not trying to get my hopes up for this FET, but I feel a certain amount of excitement creeping in. Just enough I guess to push me foward and move on to another cycle.
So, I really feel emotionally that the 3rd negative is going to be a lot harder than the 2nd and first. I mean I guess that's why I've prolonged this FET until forever. I thought maybe each negative would get easier. Of course, I don't think the ectopic between IVF cycle #1 and #2 helped out with the emotions of BFN #2. I actually did better with my last and final ectopic(emotionally) than I did with my 2nd BFN. Maybe because after 6 losses you just get immune to them. NO EMOTION with the last ectopic that's for sure. But, with the 2nd BFN I looked like a poster child for depression. Really, I had a nervous break down on poor Brian. But as always, I managed to scrape myself up and find a way to keep plugging along.
It all just sucks ya know.........

O.Q.S.

Operation Quit Smoking is now in effect for the third time. So, here we go starting tomorrow. No patches this go around, nothing. COLD TURKEY BABY, I wouldn't want it any other way.
Mind you I might feel like killing people tomorrow but I can do this.
I will breath deeply and enjoy the nice air that is not feeled with nasty cancer causing chemicals......
Of course, tonight, I will drink beer and smoke the rest of the pack I have left.
Wish me luck,
I'm going need it!

NO SLEEP

Saturday night I decided to keep my 3 year old niece all night. I adore this little girl. I don't know if I've blogged how much she means to me. But, she came at a time when I was having a really hard time. I think it was my 4th ectopic. So, she kind of just feeled some of the tiny holes in my heart.
Brian and I took her swimming at the in-laws, 3 hours in the pool and water-logged like a prune. It was fun though. Next, it was down to the barn to check out the horses. I was surprised that she was willing to touch them this time. Last time I took her near our horses you would have thought I introduced her to a new monster. They scared the shit out of her. This of course made my husband want to go purchase a pony for Trinity. We need a pony like we need a hole in our head...
The evening was spent grilling and playing and then bedtime rolled around...
Yes, this is where things fall apart. Trinity did not want to go to sleep, I tried everything. Finally, I just gave in and went to sleep with her! Miss Wiggle Worm laid there and wiggled for 2 hours straight. Let's not forget the singing spell too. It was kind of cute but a 1 in the morning I just wanted to yell SLEEP. I guess somewhere around 2 am I woke up with a foot around my neck and a head really close to my butt. I turned her back to normal sleeping position. And around 4am I got a nice kick in the stomach. At 5am I decide she should be a sleep and dash to my own bed. At 6am I get waken up with a crying niece... " Aunt Kim"... So, I jolt out of bed to check on her!!! After that my husband joins us in "Trinity's Room" and I then tell him, "COFFEY and make it strong!"
Trinity is the sweetest little one I have been around. But, what is it with kid's fighting sleep? Brian asked me that afternoon, "Are you sure you want a child?" Really, at that point in time I started thinking about the good points of IF and not having a child yet.
1- You can have unlimited amounts of sleep.
2- You can just jump in your car and take off on a short notice.
3- You have nothing else to worry about but yourself.
4- You all know the perks of being child free, I won't go on.
But, with lack of sleep, I still managed a "Yes, I still want children!" Maybe I was still delirious.. Who knows!!! But, I know that something in my heart keeps pushing me to try.

Let's Talk About Karma

Today as I'm killing myself at work. Making up for the tornado thingy, trying to work in some of yesterday's clients that I had to cancel on, and my back banging from slinging hair like a mad woman! A client walks in the door and asked, " What's going on around this salon?" I look around and wanted to say same ole shit different day. But, I carefully looked at the man like I didn't know what the hell he was talking about. He then explains must be some pretty bad "karma" around here with the way the storm blew.
This is no shit! Drive 5 minutes up the road, from the salon, and it looks like nothing happend. Look across the road that my salon is on and trees are down everywhere. I then explain if you think that is bad drive 2 miles down the road where my house is at!
In my panic to get home yesterday after loosing power at the salon. My father in law calls my cell phone and tells me that another tornado had come close to our house. Thank god for cell phones!
Being the nosey person that I am, yesterday evening after things have calmed down. Brian and I heard they had shut down the main road that we live off of. We tried to drive down there and check it out but the road was blocked off by emergency vehicles and they were directing traffic away. I finally drove down there today after dinner and exactly 2 to 4 miles from my house a F-2 tornado touched down and did some serious damage.
Which gets me back on the karma subject. I never really understood karma fully until I was about 21. Yes, I'm a very slow learner in some areas.
Really something was watching over me yesterday. I mean all hell broke loose at my salon. I went into the bathroom during the ordeal scared shitless with my stylists and the gay dog groomer that works in the building beside of me. And so much for men trying to save the women. Mark(the groomer) was the first one in the bathroom. I told him afterwards I really appreciated his bravery. Thanks for saving me. BIG LAUGH.
So, the karma might not be kicking right now in the baby department but something good was difinitely watching over me yesterday!

Lost Friends

I was just thinking today on my way home from work(because of a tornado) about one of my friends I have not spoken with in 2 years. This girl was one of my best friends growing up. We were attached at the hips. I don't know what happened to us? I still to this day can't figure out what went wrong. I just know towards the end of our friendship I felt like I was giving all the time. I would call her she would never call back. I would attempt to see her, she would never try to come see me. Towards the end of the friendship she developed a pain pill addiction(she says she wasn't addicted) but I and everyone else around her could see the signs...
I mentioned that I was worried about her pill habit to her husband, and since then there has been no contact.
So, I guess she was basically pissed that I mentioned something to her husband about the pills. Hell, I was worried sick. Have you ever seen anyone break out into a sweat and shake from lack of Vicodin, not a pretty sight at all. Sorry, I think if I was addictive to something I would want to know that my friends thought enough to call me out about it!!! I don't know, now I don't care anymore at times, because I have so many supportive friends who are there for me and if they have a problem about a comment I make, they speak up.
But, as the rain was coming down and the wind was blowing I thought, what if this is it? It kind of sucks not having closure on a relationship you have had with someone for over 20 years. Most relationships that I have had in the past I have had some type closure when they came to an end. Even if it was a fuck you and I hope I never see your face again!
Sometimes I want to call her and say, girl I miss you, what's up? But, I know it would be anothor useless attempt, like the one's in the past.
It just all sucks, I haven't seen her son in almost 2 years either, and we were really close too. Oh well c'est la vie? I guess that's how the cookie crumbles sometimes....