Random Thoughts

Or should I say random jumble? I feel very confused and lost right now. So, what if this FET doesn't work? Do I stop IF treatments or move to adoptiong? I know that I want a child, and I don't care at this point how I get one. Even if it includes baby snatching(JUST KIDDING).
You know, if I ever do get a positive, will I be able to make it through the pregnancy without making myself sick from worry... I think one more miscarriage will literally send me over the deep end. I don't know, why can't I just wake up and the freaking stork left a child on my doorstep? THIS IS MY LIFE, nothing ever goes normal with me.
Everything has been complicated since I was young enough to remember.
Frustrated beyond belief.
Last IVF, I was little Ms. Positive Pants.. I did acupuncture, I ate healthy, I took my vitamins, I quite smoking, drinking, I even relaxed! Where did it get me? NO FREAKING WHERE!
Do I feel like shelling out 500 dollars for acupunture again? No. Do I feel like quitting everything again? No. Do I have the energy to morn another negative cycle? Hell no!
So what's a girl to do at this point? Why o why, did I have shitty tubes? Why are there women out there putting their newborns in the garbage dumpsters and neglecting them? Why, when we have shelled out over 30,000 dollars trying to conceive number 1?
Makes no sense.
I've prayed about this, I even joined my husband's church. I still feel empty and void.
I guess before the tubes were taken, I always felt like maybe there was a chance, that maybe just maybe, it would happen for me. 6 ectopics later and no tubes and IVF not going so well I don't know what to expect. Should I waste more money, have no retirement, and still no child?
Jezz, I just really want to get this FET over with and move on to greener pastures.

INDIGESTION

What can I say? Pita(Pain In The Ass) sister gets in town yesterday afternoon. So, Brian and I weren't feeling the best from our cookout for friend's the night before. Let's just say the night before was interesting to say the least. My light weight husband got a little sick from too much alcohol intake.
So, sister wants to go to dinner last night with my niece, nephew, her husband and a friend that met them in town who is visting them. He's from St. Louis. We agree to meet up!
First, she starts by telling me she needs a child friendly resturant to go to because of the children. Okay, how about CHUCKIE FUCKING CHEESE? Well, she says that a little too child friendly. Great, how about Japanese? Sounds great. Well, my little nephew completely shows his ass the whole time at dinner. He's almost 2 and my sister and brother in law let him do whatever he wants. I was so embarrassed. He ran all over the resturant. Climbed all over my niece(she's 5) and walks over and pinches my husband and scratches me. Lovely little hellion. He wouldn't sit steal or even sit in his seat, eat anything, or listen to anyone. He finally decides to eat, and he starts throwing food at everyone. Let's not forget the screaming at the resturant. Then throwing himself down in the middle of the floor.
I wanted to beat the child. I couldn't believe that my sister let him act like he was acting. I was horrified.
So, in the middle of dinner she decides to start asking about my IVF. Which, I don't like to tell her anything about. "So are you guys trying again?" I say," Yes, we might." She said, "When?" Me, "None of your fucking buisness"( is what I felt like saying but it was more along the lines of) "Maybe next month." Do I feel like talking about this with you and your total stranger friend. HELL NO. I was really getting really angry.
Also, forgot to mention when we got to the resturant, we had a party of 7! She tells the hostess we only need 6 chairs because my husband is so small he doesn't count. Thank the lord my husband didn't hear that comment. That kind of set the mood for dinner, if you know what I mean? And my husband has gained 20 pounds since she has last seen him. He looks damn good. I can't help it that he's athletic and stays in shape, while her husband looks like he's expecting anytime! Good gracious, that made me so mad!
So Pita sister wants to hang out today. It's raining and she wants to spend the day togethor. No amusment park today because of severe thunder storms. Someone help me or I'm going to flip the hell out on her!!! Did I mention how bad I had indigestion after dinner?

The Plot Thickens

Pain in the ass sister will be in Sunday evening. Wohoo. Not so excited but I will deal with it. Hey, at least I got her to stay at a hotel. Very smart on my part I must add! She will be in with her two children and husband. Not that seeing the children bothers me, I'm a huge fan of my other niece. But, something about this sister drives me completely insane.
Take for instance the comment that really sent me over the edge the last time I saw her.
Brian and I had went to Ma. to see the family. I have a huge family up north. We all got togethor and met for dinner. So at the resturant in front of the whole family my sister kept telling my husband how skinny he looked. My husband is not a huge man, and at the time he was under huge amounts of stress with his job and my upcoming surgery.
Poor Brian, he just sat there and took it. Well, after the 3rd time of her bluntly saying in front of the family that he looked anorexic, I let her have it.
I basically told her, Brian knows he's lost weight so how about shutting the hell up about it! Really, for you skinny mini's, sometimes it's really hard to gain weight. Just as hard for people who need to loose weight!
I was really skinny in high school, so I would get those comments all the time to. Rather annoying. Of course the comments I get now are, "Are you pregnant?" Nope, just a fat-ass, thank you very much.
So, I feel just evil not wanting to see this sister, but I have a feeling I'm going to loose my cool. She's very irritating to say the least.
Chezz, can someone get me out of this visit?

Vacation At Last

So, finally made plans for a vacation. Wohoo...
Very happy and much overdue! Will be leaving this little bumkin town on July the 29th and heading for sunny Florida to see my mother and husband #2000! Staying with her a couple of days and then hitting the beaches of St. Augustine, FL. Lord help me, that she doesn't drive me completley insane! If you look disfunctional family up in the dictionary you will surely find my family photograph beside of the word.

Concerts and emotions

So, went to the Toby Keith concert Friday night and must say that I had a total blast. I'm not much of a county music person. But, it was a Hell of a good concert . It rocked. I had such a good time. I got a little too intoxicated but you know sometimes you just have to say WHAT THE FUCK, and seize the momment and just have too many drinks.
Ride home was really interesting. The couple who went with us(she is 24 and he is 30) They have been dating for 2 years and everytime they would see a child at the concert when we were tailgating she would be like look.... I hope we have a little girl,boy. ect. ect.... He would join along. Very freaking lovely, pass me another beer, I'ld say to my husband. As, I can no longer talk about what type of child that I want or hope to ever have. I feel it's useless if you know what I mean?
So, as we are on our way home after the concert. I mention that we are getting the ball rolling on adoption to our friends. The girl knows my situation because she works for me. She has even helped administer some of my shots for my last IVF. So, her boyfriend(very drunk may I add) starts in with this story of how his old college buddy and his wife were ttc for like 6 years. Well, they started to adopt and now they are pregnant. Why the fuck does everyone have one of these stories? Micheal is not really familiar with my IF situation but I politely tell him, "Micheal that will NEVER happen for us. I have no tubes". So he keeps going on and on. I suppose he doesn't understand the reproductive system. Shouldn't that be a requirement to have a college degree? He then said, "Well, you never know, it could happen".
So, I let him have it and I think my husband kind of enjoyed the fact that I lost my shit.
Micheal has diabetes so that would be kind of like me telling him. " Hey don't take you insulin injections you don't need them. You'll get better on your own." I wish I would have thought of that but like I said I was inebriated so it didn't cross my mind. I said more along the lines of "Micheal, if we get pregnant on our own it will be Jesus's baby! It's not going to fucking happen without IVF for us and the way IVF is going it's not looking so good with that either!" And then proceded to turn the radio up way to loud so I didn't have to hear anymore bullshit.
I got home and just lost my shit again. Started crying and screaming to DH, "I just want one IF friend who we can hang around with. JUST ONE. So we don't have to deal with shit like this. Not only do people think I might still actually be able to conceive on our own. They don't understand that adopting is not the fix all. We are mourning the loss of our genetic link. Blah, blah, blah." Got really emotional and let it all out. Dh took it like a champ. It felt good to just cry. I have hard times showing emotion because I have this huge wall around me. So, that let downs don't hurt as bad.
I believe I have the world's best husband. One thing is for sure, this whole IF saga has made us much stronger as a couple. He's my rock. And I love him for not running....

Finally a call...

So, little brother finally called last night. What's messed up is Brian and I were watching the season premiere of 6ft Under on VOD, and I told Brain just let the answering machine get it. Wow, glad he didn't listen to me for once! All is well with little brother and he is helping out new members that come into the program now. He's gained 40 pounds and he love's being there.
Now, this is where I get jealous. He's been to several ballets and several plays. He said the ballets were unreal, beautiful. I have always wanted to go to a ballet. The program is showing him there is more to life than drugs and I am so happy for this.
I guess my little google searching finally paid off. This is a "Grassroots" program that he is in. No money out of any family member's pockets. They are a self-sufficient program. It's really wild. He said he is so thankful he is there and I believe him. The family gets to see him in Sept. and I can't wait.
I guess my blog has gotten a little off IVF lately, since I'm waiting until Aug/Sept. for the FET. I will be talking a lot about various things in my life. I'm sure once we start adoption classes I will have a lot more to say...

Let's talk about weird dreams/nighmares

So, I have this reocurring nightmare/dream that I have killed someone. I never know who they are or what they look like? Or even how I killed them? But, I am always a nervous wreck trying to hide the body. I know how freaky this must be sounding but I swear I have this dream atleast 2 to 3 times a year. No, I'm not a psycho, I promise. I would never ever kill anyone unless they were going to harm or kill me or my family members.
In the lastest murder dream, I have hide the body underground around our chimney in our side yard. I remember vividly last night the smell of the body decomposing. I remember wondering to myself in my dream if they were going to figure out where the body was? Or, if anyone else could smell it? I don't know who the hell "they" are either. More than likely, my husband and the police.
I hate having this dream and I seem to keep redreaming it for some reason.
Maybe in a past life I had severe post partum depression and killed my children. Therefore, I struggle with IF now and have these crazy ass dreams.
It all leads back to IF you know?

Waiting by the phone

So, I sit here this evening enjoying a nice frosty mug of beer, why is it that beer in the summer time is better than any glass of wine to me? Why is it that you can drink fifty million beers when it is hot outside?
Why is it that I'm stuck freaking waiting?
Take for instance this very momment. My little brother is suppose to call this evening. He's in rehab. and I have only spoke with him one time in 5 months. He is suppose to call this evening and I am out of my mind missing him and wanting to talk to him. Therefore, the phone has not left my sight for the past 2 hours.
Even though he is a drug addict, I love him and his heart is pure gold. He's one of the sweetest, most respectful, intelligent beings that I have ever been around. He just got mixed up into some pretty bad shit.
One thing about me is that I don't judge people. Until you walk in somebody else's shoes why judge them?
Take for instance me. Knowing me you would think I'm average Joe. I could brag about my successful buisness, or my house, or the money that I have in my account(despite all the money that I have spent on IVF) but I don't. And half the time I don't give a flying rats ass what you do for a living, drive, or where you live. I have friends that are successful, and friends that well, umm... are never going to make it anywhere beside where the hell they are at. I love both the same.
I hate judgemental poppus fucking assholes...
No, I'm not the spelling bee winner from school incase you didn't notice. But, I can read very well. I just can't spell and it drives me insane.
I hate the whole stigma that people put on drug addicts. I hope this rehab. will teach my little brother some self-respect. I pray that he makes it, not only for himself. But, for my niece. She needs him in her life. He knows this too, I believe this in my heart or he could walk away from the rehab. at anytime.
So, the phone hasn't rang and I'm thinking dear brother is not calling. More freaking waiting!

Moving on...

Just realized over the past couple of days I'm semi- ready to move on to adoption. I still have the FET to do in Aug/Sept. but I don't have a lot of faith that it will work.
I'm burn out, tired, financially drained , and sick of being childless. It's hard to let go of the genetic link, but screw IT. I can't handle it anymore. So, getting the ball rolling today on the adoption front. I know it's a long process, but the average wait in the state I live in is 9 months. So, really that's not to bad at all. And atleast with adoption, I'm not flushing money down the toliet. If I had insurance coverage I would keep doing IVF. But, we have now spent so much out of pocket with nothing to show. So, my backup plan is now going into effect. Let's pray I get better results with the backup plan.
Of couse being the wishy-washy woman that I am, more than likely, I will pull some hat trick and attempt another cycle.
This shit is all to frustrating sometimes..