Where Do I Start

Let's start with a follow up on B. My husband just realized 2 days later that he was in the "doghouse" so to speak. The man rarely cooks, last night I came home to a nice dinner prepared by him. Followed by him taken care of clean up duty. I guess he realized that he needs to get out of the doghouse.
I was bitching about how he has PMS and I knew my period was coming. Which it did. So, really I guess my patience have been somewhat short this week and I might have took some of B's comments to me out of line. Which is quite the norm for me if I am battling PMS.
So, just got off the phone with my mother and we were discussing the shared risk. Well, that's the last of the IVF conversations with her. She doesn't think it's a very good idea. Which I then stated, "Mother you don't understand the feelings of being childless?" She told me she does. Okay, how does she understand when she has 2 children? She freaking can't. Yes, she may understand my pain of being childless but as far as her actually experiencing it she can't. I think she thinks I'm crazy. She doesn't understand....
I love her but I will no longer discuss my IF with her. I cut her out of the loop with my last cycle so it looks like she's back out. I know where she stands on the situation so I'll let it rest.
Can someone please invent a money tree? Pretty please? That way I could water it and pluck the money from the tree for a cycle.
My mother did make one good point which I've stated in my confused state of not knowing where to proceed.
Kim, you'll know what do in time.
Well, time is ticking and I'll still stumped.

The Silence Was Broken

Okay, I've had enough of Brian being Mr. Joe Cool about the baby situation. I decided today it was time to break the silence.
Me-"Dear, I think I want to cycle again? Do you remember me mentioning the shared risk program?"
B- "Yes dear, do whatever you want to do. But, I'm really busy at work, can we talk about it when I get home?"
ME- "I understand, okay!" "Do you rem..." That's all I got out and I got dropped by my cell phone.
So B gets home and we discuss cycling, which immediately ends up in an argument.
B- "We'll take out a home equity dear, it's no problem.
Me- "Why don't we just refinance?"
Well, that was about all I got out of that conversation also. "DO whatever the fuck you want Kim, your going to do it your way anyway." Can you believe he said that shit? What an ASSHOLE! I swear he has PMS!
Which highly pissed me off may I add. I was just suggesting other ways and he goes all to hell.
Like I want to cycle again, I'm not even shooting up yet and we are arguing.
If it was up to me I would just adopt and be done with this shit. Why can't we just be on the same freaking page for once in our lives.
What makes me so angry is the fact that after the first failed IVF and all the surgeries, he was the one all about adopting. "I don't want you to go through anymore hell!" That was what he said. But, now it's like keep cycling. WTF?
So, now I'm pissed off for him snapping at me which has lead to another silent evening.

Do you see why I wait?

20 years later....

So, my computer crashes and I've been offline for quite a while. It's nice to be back. Finally... I forgot my password to blogger so I also couldn't acess my blog. It's amazing how soon I forget my passwords to everything. You'ld think I would use the same password for all my various accounts. But NO, I have to switch things up and get myself totally confused.
Dazed and confused is nothing new for me.
So my decision to cycle or adopt hasn't really changed much.
Like everything else I'm confused and don't know what to do. I guess just wait around for the lighting bolt to strike and let me know what to do.
This is a pretty shity state for me. Atleast, between my longs waits to cycle I knew what the next step was. I know nothing at this point.
Brian hasn't really stepped up and pushed the topics either. It's just kind of unspoken around here.
Who the fuck knows?