Saddle Up

Time to get back on the horse so to speak! Consult is Dec. 15 for the shared risk cycle. 3 fresh cycles and 3 frozen(if any left to freeze) for one lump sum. It's like buying a car folks with no car to show for the payment. But hopefully a nice baby or two if I strike it rich. I don't know why I didn't do this to begin with. It's been almost a year now since my last fresh cycle. I'm not really looking forward to this but I want a child. I never thought in my whole entire life I would have to sink this much money into having a child.
That is if this works, which is a really big huge if!
I still may walk away childless, but at least I will get some damn money back.
Why was I so naive to think that this would really work the first go around? Because of the six ectopics?
What the fuck was so great about my tubes anyway? I wish my embryos would share the same feelings about my uterus that they did about my long gone tubes....

Thanksgiving

Well folks, another year has about passed me by again and here I am childless. I'm beginning to wonder what I'm sure every IFer wonders. Am I just not meant to be mother? Maybe it's not part of the big plan and I shouldn't interfere.
I guess I'm starting to doubt my ability of motherhood. Okay, this post is suppose to be about what I am thankful for.

1- I am very thankful for my health. It hasn't failed me yet. Unless you want to include my reproductive health. I feel like without your health you have nothing.

2- I am very thankful for my family. Same as above, with out my family I would be lost.

3- I am truly thankful for my animals that provide me year round entertainment and unconditional love. Thank you Puma and Macey. Esp. you Puma, when you run around the house like a crazed kitty.

4- I'm also very thankful for my online friends. Who truly get it. Who have picked my ass up when my face has been flat down in the dirt. I love you all... I can not express how thankful I am for the many times you all have helped me or just listened to my woes.

5- Last but not least, I'm thankful for my work-a-holic husband who is never home. I know that he loves me even though he drives me insane at times. (note the sarcasm)

Okay people, have a nice Thanksgiving and I hope everyone enjoys the wonderful holiday season.

Notice the pictures of the lovely trees that I've posted. I wish. Still no trees people. Brian did manage to pour the foundation for the brick columns. This week will be the last week of tree planting in these parts. So, I suppose the trees will not be planted this fall. Imagine that.
I suppose I shouldn't whine. It just pisses me off.
I need a break people. I need a vacation. I want to run far, far, away at this moment in time.
I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I guess what really bothers me is last year around this time I was cycling. Though, I don't want to cycle over Christmas or holidays ever again. Because let's face it, a negative beta on New Year's just doesn't quite give you a good feeling for the New Year to come. I know that I will be cycling again in the near future. But, at the moment I just feel drained. I feel like having a child, at the this point in my life, is never going to happen.
I've accepted the fact that I'm not going to adopt. I'm really not. My feelings on adoption have changed dramatically over the past few months.
I guess if this shared program doesn't work it will be child free living for me. I'll be the weird one on the block with the millions of cats that little kids are scared of.
Nice life huh? I never thought I would turn out to be the neighborhood freak show.
I guess as Forest Gump would put it, "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your going to get!" Or something along those lines.
How about my life is like a big pile of shit. It just keeps getting deeper.

Yeah yeah, this too shall pass!

Am I The Only Wife

With a husband that always puts them on the back burner?
So, things have been a little tuff around the household.
My husband is an electrical contractor and is on a huge industrial project working his butt off. He worked about 80 hours last week. He's obsessed. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that he's a hard worker. But, sometimes it completely wears me out.
Take for instance, it's fall time. We have some major yard work to tackle. We live off a very busy road. But, we have 2 acres of land so we aren't on top of the road. I hate this road. Hate it. For the past 5 years I've wanted to plant bushes, shrubs, or trees to block the road off. B decided this year we would do it. So, we agreed on a certain type of tree we would plant to form a border and block the road off. Do you think he's gotten around to helping? No. Too busy working. I explained to him Saturday that I was going to purchase the Leyland Cypresses and do it myself. Or hire someone to tackle it. Of course, he got extremely mad at my suggestion.
Last spring we had several plant/shrubs along the side of the house. Yellow Belles and something else that was green. The plants were growing way to fast and too hard for us to keep up with so we yanked them out. Have we replaced the shrubs yet? NO.
The trees around our house need new mulch. Has that been done? NO.
And please don't get me started on the brick columns that are suppose to be at the beginning of our driveway. The foundation was dug, and that's it. So, there are two huge boxed off holes around the light pole, where a foundation is suppose to be poured and columns are suppose to be bricked.
It's driving me crazy.
I guess being a Virgo, I'm a little OCD about everything being neat. I'm also the type of person that when they start something they finish it.
B is the complete opposite. He can start something and let it sit and it doesn't bother him whatsoever.
I WANT MY TREES PEOPLE . I guess it time to call in the landscaper. I can see my husband coming home and I've had the yard landscaped. He would flip out! He's so psycho when it comes to yard work. He thinks he's the only person who can do it correctly.
What also makes me angry is this? If someone would call him(say anyone) and ask for help with something. He would drop everything and run to help. I'm serious! But, let me ask for one simple little thing that I need fixed or PLANTED and it's a knock down drag out argument(we don't throw blows). But, it does get heated sometimes.
Will someone please explain this? Does anyone else have a husband that will help out everyone else? But, when you want or need something done, you are pushed on the back burner?

Okay Mr. RE

Are you reading my blog? If you are, you really don't know me yet? I mean when I expressed I was having a little anxiety about cycling. I didn't mean that I wanted to have my consult rescheduled.
This is no shit!
My Re's nurse called yesterday because my RE has got called out of town for an emergency until Nov. the 26th.
Just weird how things happen sometimes.
Talk about signs...
So, now I'm not consulting until Dec. Which is fine. Which means that I more than likely won't cycle until Feb.
More waiting.
Not that I feel like cycling. Right now I could care less if I ever stick myself with a needle again.
More waiting. More time to figure out if this is what I really want I guess.

Getting Scared

As my consult approaches in less than a week for the shared risk. I'm finding myself scared. I'm feeling a lot of anxiety also.
My reasons are as follows:
1) I don't know if I'm prepared mentally to take on 3 IVF cycles and 3 Fet cycles in 1 year. Not that I'll have enough to freeze. But, that's part of the package if I do. I must perform all cycles within a year or no money will be returned.

2) I'm out of pocket on all expenses. The amount of money we are getting ready to drop on this makes my stomach turn. I'm not a huge fan of debt. I am just now starting to get out of debt from opening my salon 3 years ago. Also, we finally have all our debt paid off from my surgeries, past 2 IVF's, and the FET.

3) Is this worth it? I mean to subject my body to all of these procedures on top of all of the surgeries I've had in the past. I mean of course it will be worth it if I do take home a live baby. But, what if I m/c again? I don't know mentally if I can handle another loss. I have vivid nightmares from time to time of being pregnant and delivering and things not going so well. I feel like sometimes it's a premonition. Trying to warn me of what lies ahead.
If someone could just tell me that it will work or let's just say I had a crystal ball and I could see into the future that it would work. I wouldn't hesitate. I wouldn't look back at all. But, considering all that I've been through. I just don't want anymore heartache.

5) When I cycle, I'm not the most pleasant person in the world. It usually causes huge amounts of stress on B and I. Nice agurements and all of that other good junk!

I don't know, I'm confused and scared and not quite sure if I can handle all of this! When is enough, really enough?

Meet Cinderella

Well, Miss T thinks she's Cinderella. My husband and I took my niece, Trinity, trick or treating last night. We had fun. Under any other circumstances I would have never attempted to go trick or treating. Thanks IF!
Miss T hung with the best of them. She loved it. The great thing about being an Aunt is, I let her eat unlimited amounts of candy. Then I got to drop her off at her grandmother's house when we were finished trick or treating!
The picture is not the best. It could have used some editing. I lost my software to for my digital camera when I upgraded and had my computer repaired. So, now I must find my software in the mist of all the other junk in my office/computer room.
It was so funny last night. Trinity's crown was a little too big and kept falling down around her eyes. I asked her if she would like to take it off. Oh no, she was wearing it no matter what. My husband and I thought for sure she would ditch the crown.
Overall, it was a very fun night. Except I kept snatching candy out of Trin's bucket. Okay, sometimes you have to indulge a little. It was Halloween!