Listening to the clicks...

I feel like at this point in my life I am thankful for a lot of what I have. I tend to forget about how fortunate I am at times. I am very happy 90 percent of the time.
Life's good!
I could travel a little(a lot) more but I love my life. I really do. I can't complain. If I would die tomorrow, I would know I have had a very nice life. Not saying I'm ready for to be over. Because I'm not! But, I have a nice house, nice vehicles, and a successful business(though it could be more lucrative at times).
I am blessed with a stong, caring, husband. Lord knows, anytime you go through IVF it will test the stongest marriages!
I can remember our first cycle...
I was 29 and I thought, what the fuck is going on? It was a very rough time for us. I mean we had some really bad arguments. It's not only hard on women, it's no cakewalk on the your partner either. But eventually it makes you stronger as a couple! Or it has with us.
It killed my husband to try to give me shots. He would get dizzy and weak(he still does). For Brian to give a IM shot I have to beg or raise total hell.
Me: Please honey, the shots don't hurt and it's even harder for me to do it.
Him: Call my Daddy honey, you know I can't do it!
Me: Walking in with the shot already mixed.
Him: Fuck honey!
Me: You can do this dear, it doesn't hurt. Please.
Him: Honey please don't make me.
Me: Sick of begging, pulling my pants down cleaning the area. Sticking my ass in his face.
Him: Dammit Kim!
Me: Noticing sweat on his forehead.
Him: Okay, I'll try! hands now shaking
Me: Just fucking do it! Here, I'll give you one so you'll see they don't hurt!
Him: HELL NO, you won't!
He just can't handle the shots. I tell him it doesn't hurt but he knows sometimes they don't feel the best. So, when he turns pale(this is my sign)! Okay, I won't push it any farther. I'll self inject!
I guess our marriage was tested from the beginning. A month after our honeymoon we were dealing with a d&c, which was a miss diagnosed ectopic.
A year later another ectopic and surgery for it.
6 months later it was on to IVF cycle number one! Which failed and our second wedding anniversary was 2 days later!
Started IVF cycle 2, five months later, with a new RE. Had to stop the cycle during the lupron phase. Then ended up gettig pregnant(ectopic again) during the lupron. Had surgery to remove my last tube and the ectopic. Waited 2 months to cycle again and thought..
This it it?
This IVF cycle is going to work. My tubes are gone, I'm with a much better group of RE's. I just needed another try. It was shitty clinic number 1's fault and this time I'll make it work! So at this point, we had only been married for a little over 2 years.
Isn't this what all honeymooners do?
This is where my control freak nature kicks in!
For my next cycle I'll visualize dammit, I'll do acupuncture, I'll pray more, I won't use the patch, I'll just quit smoking.
I'll take all the right vitamins, I'll eat pineapple(I know trust me).
I'll take off work around cycle time and yes, I'll relax(I know again).
I'll stay positive(puke).
I'll eat very healthy and no more junk food. I'll drink in moderation and not during any during the cycle.
So what did I get with that cycle?
Some better quality embryo's, a nervous breakdown at 6 days past transfer, and a big fucking negative cycle.
You can't control IVF!
I mean the embryo quality was much, much, better! But, that could be because I was with a more successful clinic/lab! I like to think I had a lot to do with that because of contol factor stated above. But, who knows?
Like I said, you can't control IVF.
So, what I'm basically trying to say is,
I can hear the clicking...
You all know the sound. It's the ride of IVF.
The roller coaster part of it.
Right now my ride is going up the hill clicking every so slowly(thanks FET).
I'm happy right now.
The estrogen is agreeing with me.
I've quit smoking,
I've exercised.
I'm eating half-ass nutrious.
I've enjoyed a glass of wine now and then.
I'm not stressed as much because it's easier(thanks again FET).
I've also told far less people about it!(like hardly no one)
But, the drop always comes, it hasn't failed me yet!
I know what to expect with the drop and I don't like it! I actually hate the fucking scary swoop!
I mean I really want this to work, I'm hoping. I hate that too.
I feel 85 percent sure this isn't going to work.
I'm trying to stay real about things to prevent the crash.
But, dammit I want it to work...
I don't want my roller coaster to crash because my ride has been nice lately!
I guess what sucks is I don't know what to expect if this doesn't work.
I mean I do, but I don't!
I have a my back up plan, but then again I don't!
The nice thing about IF,
Somedays when you're least expecting it.
Watch the fuck out! Here come's the swoop down hill.
It sucks and the shitty thing about it is...
You never know when the lows are going to be really low.
Click, click, click..