Self Torture and Sad Discoveries

I just read the most amazing birth story tonight. I'm still crying. I think I have cried every freaking night this week. I was on a board with about 10 women with my last IVF cycle. I think it was a cycle thread, hell, I don't remember? All I know is everyone on that thread got pregnant except me and another woman.
One of the girls I've kind of followed. Even though all the preggers dumped the thread and moved on. I still read stuff she would post. She delivered 3 weeks early on the 8th and just posted her birth story. It was very emotional for me to read it. I don't know why I torture myself with even reading those things. Not that birth stories bother me. But, birth stories when I would be due if my IVF would have worked are sometimes a little hard. I think I like to torture myself at times...

I also just realized today, this is when I had my last ectopic. I got pregnant this week/time frame last year. WTF? I didn't even realize I was doing this FET during the same time frames until one of clients came in today. She's 6 weeks along and went for her u/s on Monday and didn't get a heartbeat. She hasn't told anyone she was pregnant and actually thought she was 8 weeks along. She goes in next week for another u/s. She's the one who reminded me that we were both pregnant last year around this time. She had a m/c last year around 8 weeks and I had an ectopic. So strange how time flies...

So, here I am in the freaking 7/11 day wait. Yes, I don't have a 2ww. I have a 7 day wait and a test again on day 11! Wtf? I didn't even realize I was 7/11 until I just typed it. As I was saying, here I am. Would almost be due within the next few weeks if my last IVF would have worked. Plus, thinking about my last ectopic. Plus, in the 7/11 day wait. Is this all not messed up or what? Once again the self torturing thoughts are in play...

To top it all off! My RE's clinic calls me today at work to see "How I was holding up during the wait?" When did they start calling to check in on me? This is new. Don't get me wrong. My RE's staff is top notch when it comes to getting it. I love these ladies. Very compassionate and they actually give a shit. You're not a number you're a person! The phone call kind took me off guard. I thought lady you really don't want me to dump on you. Plus I'm at work trying to be incognito about my FET so I really couldn't go into details. It was a nice call though...