Return of the Fat Ass

I about passed out from shock when I stepped on the scales this morning. 140 pounds people. Gulp, how did this happen? And when?
I know some people may say 140 is not a lot of weight but to me it is. I'm small boned and I'm only 5 feet 3 inches. So, that's a lot of weight on me. My normal weight use to be anywhere from 128 to 135. 140 is ridiculous. I'm sick of being out of shape.
Dr. Google also just told me for my height, my idea body weight should be between 117 and 137. So, as you see I'm now overweight for my height. I doubt I'll ever see 117, but 130 is reachable.
Today I will turn over a new leaf.
I will start to exercise again and watch what I eat.
I guess I've just let myself go after this last FET. I haven't exercised in weeks and I feel horrible.
I don't want to attempt to go into the holidays at this weight. Because I know what I will look like after the holidays are over with.
I have to do this for myself, have too!
Even though my back has a pinched nerve in it, I will do everything I can to take off some of this weight.
NO MORE FAT ASS...

Stopping the Madness

Well, I counted my last blogging and I think I managed to use the F word atleast 7 times. Nice language huh?
Can you tell I had/have PMS, lovely huh?
Feeling much better this morning. My best friend meant well. I know this. We've been friends for 20 years. But, sometimes I just don't understand why people insist on giving assvice? Why?
I guess you don't realize the situation a person is in until you have walked in their shoes. Which I noticed myself giving assvice with another friend. I did not even realize I was doing this. I can't believe me? I'M GUILTY? Yes, I'm afraid I am.
My dear friend is single and she's 33. She has never been married and doesn't have children. She has a wonderful career but when it comes down to the man department she has had no luck whatsoever. So, I constantly try to set her up with every single, good-looking, winner- type man, that walks through my salon doors.
After the last blind date, she told me she was okay on the dating situation and didn't want to be hooked up again. I must admit, I might have hooked her up with a guy that hasn't retired his player belt yet. But, damn, I guess I feel since I'm happily married everyone else should be also.
So, last night it just kind of hit me. What I'm doing to my friend M is no worse than what all the ferties do to me. They are giving assvice and soliciting unwanted help.
I must stop my own madness!
Poor M, I now wonder why she even bothers with me. She comes Saturday to get her color and I must admit. I had a very interesting prospect to set her up with. But NO, I must change my evil ways. I will not do it unless she ask!

I'm so ...

G-d, I don't even know how to describe how I feel at this moment. ANGRY! Very angry and pissed. Why is it that ferties are so oblivious to what comes out of their mouths? WHY?
My best friend calls me today to tell me I should try this certain IVF clinic because her sister works with a girl who used it and got pregnant on the first try.
She then proceeds to tell me the name of the clinic.
I then tell her that's my old clinic.
"Are you sure?" Then she spells the name of the clinic out and tells me the city and state that it's located in.
I tell her yes, I'm sure.
But here's what I really wanted to fucking say:
"Yes I'm sure, you stupid fucking bitch!"
"I'm 100 percent fucking sure, I've only had surgery to remove my last tube by the RE at this clinic." "Do you not remember my last ectopic, or are you sure you were listening when I was crying on your fucking shoulder?"
"I've wrote countless checks out for the money spent for the surgery, ER, ET, ICSI, fertility drugs, and let's not forget all the other bullshit that goes along with the IVF process."
"Yes, I'm soooo sure!"
"I believe I am well aware of the state that I was in when they took a huge fucking needle and pierced through my uterus to retrieve my shitty eggs because I had to drive 3 fucking hours to get there and then spend the night."
"Once again, are you sure you were listening to me when I told you about all of this ?"
"Yes, I fully aware of where the clinic is!" I've made countless fucking trips there for all of the many, many, appointments!"
"Now please don't tell me about anymore fucking fairyland clinics that I need to try because I'm on my fucking third now."

Sometimes I just wish I would speak my mind.
Boy, am I in a mood today or what?

The hardest moment ever...

I don't know why I'm thinking about one of my m/c's at the moment. I think because I was reading about someone who recently had a m/c and my heart is breaking for her. I can relate to the feelings of utter despair.
My IF has sucked the life out of my marriage. Don't get me wrong 95 percent of the time I'm happy with my marriage. But, you know that lovely honeymoon period most couple get to live? Well, I had mine yanked out from under my feet. It's just not fair. Maybe I'm throwing a little pity party for myself. I normally don't try to focus on the crappy points in my life. But, it just hit me for some reason this morning.
I remember before we got married how excited I was. I was also stressed out with the wedding plans. But, I was so happy. I was so excited about finally being with someone who I really wanted to be with for the rest of my life. I remember my wedding night and thinking how different things felt for Brian and I. Like we had this new bond. I just felt so much closer to him.
I remember leaving in the morning for Cancun. I also remember how ill/hungover Brian was. I remember the flight over. It was a beautiful day. No clouds anywhere.
I remember feeling so close to my husband and so in love. I remember the sex. Yes, sex! Lots of it and really good sex. Something we don't have a lot of these days.
I remember returning from our honeymoon and just feeling so connected and so in love.
Then I remember getting sick....
Then the hpt's.
The happiness of utter joy for 2.5 seconds that I was maybe really pregnant.
Of course then the blood started.
Then the D and C that was not needed.
Then the methotrexate shots.
Oh yeah and the blood drawls.. the many, many, blood drawls.
I remember coming home from shot number 2 and feeling like my whole universe just got turned upside down.
I remember feeling all the happiness and joy just drain out of me. Like someone just reached in my chest and ripped my heart out.
Life is so unfair sometimes.
Why do I and other women try so hard to conceive and there are crackheads out there getting pregnant a drop of a hat. WHY?
Am I always going to be this bitter?
I've did a lot of soul searching. Really, I have. I still don't understand.
I just know that IF SUCKS. I know I've probably said this a thousand times.
There are no other words to describe it.
It steals all joy and happiness that exist.
It stole my honeymoon period and I want it back dammit!
It has also in return for happiness handed over grief and worry.
Do you really think if I ever do get pregnant through IVF that I will be normal and not worry the whole time?
I seriously doubt it.
And these people who are all about staying positive! FUCK'em. That's what I say.
You deal with all the shit I have and then let me tell you a positive attitude will get you farther.
That's horse shit!
There is no way possiable to see a silver linning when you've had the bowels of hell dropped on you time after time.
Do you not agree?

November the 8th

Nov. the 8th is when I have a consult with my new RE. This is RE number 3 now. We are trying to get into a shared risk program due to the fact that all IVF expenses for us are out of pocket.
The program, if I am accepted, covers 3 fresh cycles and 3 fet cycles. If I am lucky enough to have any frozen embryos left.
If I do not achieve a pregnancy lasting over 26 weeks within the 6 cycles. They will refund the money.
I like to say that I'm excited. But, I'm not. The amount of money that we are going to have to spend makes me frantic.
At this point, I don't know if I'm ready to take on another huge debt.
We have spent well over 30 thousand for all of my previous IVF attempts. With nothing to show. Atleast, if I do stay in failureland, I will receive some money back this go around.

Upside fucking down...

In one blink of an eye, my life goes from stressful to super fucking stressful?
Why is that? Just when you think things couldn't get any worse, hold on wait a minute. We need to see if you can handle any more drama?
I drafted "Nothing to Blog About" last week and just posted it today.
Well, news flash update..
Last Thursday my brother was booted out of REHAB. due to the fact that one of the residents under him had pot on campus and my brother didn't rat him out. My brother proclaims he was not aware that the resident had pot on campus, but who knows? My brother was drug tested twice and passed both test. So, I believe in my heart he didn't use anything. The director of the facility he was in recommended him to another treatment facility.
He left yesterday for the other treatment facility and it was a very painful goodbye. I have not seen him since last January. For him to leave again, knowing it will be another year before I see him, breaks my heart in a million pieces. His daughter will be 4 the next time he sees her.
I know that he needs this program. As he told me he is just not strong enough yet.
But, it still hurts....
I can not relate to his addiction(unless you include IVF drugs) but I have struggled with him through it. It's been a huge emotional battle. I'm so proud that he finally has accepted the fact that he knows that he is an addict. But, it still hurts that he has missed out on so much.
I didn't make the attorney appointment yesterday.
I was too drained from having my brother, niece, and mother at my house for 4 days straight.
It's definitely been one hell of a week!

Nothing to blog about...

Except what I need to blog about and I can't... I can't talk about a horrible situation going on in my life right now and I want too.
Fuck it.. I can always delete!
I don't want to be the desperate infertile woman...
My sister in law has had various things happening in her life. Okay, she caught a marijuana charge, parrafenal(spelling?) charge, and open container charge on Sunday when her daughter was in my care. She's living with a hoodlum, and has no car. Nice hoodlum live in boyfriend wrecked it. She has assault on a female charges pending on her(because she smashed a beer bottle over a girl's head at a bar) and she has no job. She had seizures two weeks ago from a anti-depressant she was on. And she has witnessed a double homicide(drug deal gone really fucking bad) several years ago when my brother and her were separated.
Not that I can say my brother is/was a saint. He's a crack/cocaine/pill/ weed whatever he could get his hands on addict. He's been in rehab. for almost a year now... He's got another year or two to go. He could walk out anytime so I know in my heart he is seriously trying his best.
Here's my situation. My niece is in a seriously fucked up situation. This child I feel if she stays in the environment she is in will be totally screwed. It literally makes me sick to my stomach to think of this little girl living in this type of shit!
I have a good friend who is an attorney that just happens deal with custody issues. He's more than happy to help me fight for this little one.
I have the blessings of my brother and my family to fight for her. But, this is where it gets shitty. If I loose, I could really loose. I mean I could risk possibly not seeing this child or her being a part of her life.
I don't want to do this for my own reasons. But, it literally breaks my heart because this child deserves much better.
I have so much shit on sister in law, it's unreal... Social services has already been called on sil twice. She managed to pass a drug test, how? Who knows....
I'm thoroughly confused as to where to proceed. I'm dammed if I do, and damned if I don't.
I talk to my attorney friend on Monday to see what options I have.
The thought of never seeing this child literally petrifies me. Also, the thought of having to battle things out in court aren't to appealing either.
I have squeaky clean record and so does Brian. I just know the fact that I'm infertile will become an issue at some point. I discussed that with B tonight. But, if the whole story comes out, it will really be clear that I'm not a mad woman trying to kid snatch. I'm a very sad scared Aunt that loves my niece and only wants what is best for her.

So, I've had a very nice weekend. I've had my niece since Saturday after work and she is a complete angel. She turned 3 in June and I never thought Trinity would be potty trained. Sure enough I bought her some big girl Dora The Explorer panties yesterday and she has had not one accident. While I'm happy that she is finally trained. It's also very sad as she is no longer a baby, she's now entered the big girl world....
Of course since I don't have children I have had Trinity almost every weekend since she was born. To me she may be the only child I ever have. I have stated this before, I don't know if I could ever love anything as much as that little one. She is the sweetest little girl, and so well behaved. Smart as a whip also.
She's totally in-love with Brian. Or course my husband has taught her several things that totally drive me bonkers. For instance, "NASCAR WOHOO!" And he also has her saying. "I'm Uncle Brian's little redneck!" Not cute at all, but sometimes I can't help but laugh.
We've had some extremely good news also this week. My husband has received another raise. So in the matter of 3 months his pay has increased quite a lot. His truck will be paid off this May, and we figure by May or maybe sooner we will be able to enter the shared risk program if I am accepted. I'm so happy, and ready to get the ball rolling again with cycling. So, I guess in the next few months I will schedule a consult to try to get into the program. We shall see.........