The hardest moment ever...
I don't know why I'm thinking about one of my m/c's at the moment. I think because I was reading about someone who recently had a m/c and my heart is breaking for her. I can relate to the feelings of utter despair.
My IF has sucked the life out of my marriage. Don't get me wrong 95 percent of the time I'm happy with my marriage. But, you know that lovely honeymoon period most couple get to live? Well, I had mine yanked out from under my feet. It's just not fair. Maybe I'm throwing a little pity party for myself. I normally don't try to focus on the crappy points in my life. But, it just hit me for some reason this morning.
I remember before we got married how excited I was. I was also stressed out with the wedding plans. But, I was so happy. I was so excited about finally being with someone who I really wanted to be with for the rest of my life. I remember my wedding night and thinking how different things felt for Brian and I. Like we had this new bond. I just felt so much closer to him.
I remember leaving in the morning for Cancun. I also remember how ill/hungover Brian was. I remember the flight over. It was a beautiful day. No clouds anywhere.
I remember feeling so close to my husband and so in love. I remember the sex. Yes, sex! Lots of it and really good sex. Something we don't have a lot of these days.
I remember returning from our honeymoon and just feeling so connected and so in love.
Then I remember getting sick....
Then the hpt's.
The happiness of utter joy for 2.5 seconds that I was maybe really pregnant.
Of course then the blood started.
Then the D and C that was not needed.
Then the methotrexate shots.
Oh yeah and the blood drawls.. the many, many, blood drawls.
I remember coming home from shot number 2 and feeling like my whole universe just got turned upside down.
I remember feeling all the happiness and joy just drain out of me. Like someone just reached in my chest and ripped my heart out.
Life is so unfair sometimes.
Why do I and other women try so hard to conceive and there are crackheads out there getting pregnant a drop of a hat. WHY?
Am I always going to be this bitter?
I've did a lot of soul searching. Really, I have. I still don't understand.
I just know that IF SUCKS. I know I've probably said this a thousand times.
There are no other words to describe it.
It steals all joy and happiness that exist.
It stole my honeymoon period and I want it back dammit!
It has also in return for happiness handed over grief and worry.
Do you really think if I ever do get pregnant through IVF that I will be normal and not worry the whole time?
I seriously doubt it.
And these people who are all about staying positive! FUCK'em. That's what I say.
You deal with all the shit I have and then let me tell you a positive attitude will get you farther.
That's horse shit!
There is no way possiable to see a silver linning when you've had the bowels of hell dropped on you time after time.
Do you not agree?
My IF has sucked the life out of my marriage. Don't get me wrong 95 percent of the time I'm happy with my marriage. But, you know that lovely honeymoon period most couple get to live? Well, I had mine yanked out from under my feet. It's just not fair. Maybe I'm throwing a little pity party for myself. I normally don't try to focus on the crappy points in my life. But, it just hit me for some reason this morning.
I remember before we got married how excited I was. I was also stressed out with the wedding plans. But, I was so happy. I was so excited about finally being with someone who I really wanted to be with for the rest of my life. I remember my wedding night and thinking how different things felt for Brian and I. Like we had this new bond. I just felt so much closer to him.
I remember leaving in the morning for Cancun. I also remember how ill/hungover Brian was. I remember the flight over. It was a beautiful day. No clouds anywhere.
I remember feeling so close to my husband and so in love. I remember the sex. Yes, sex! Lots of it and really good sex. Something we don't have a lot of these days.
I remember returning from our honeymoon and just feeling so connected and so in love.
Then I remember getting sick....
Then the hpt's.
The happiness of utter joy for 2.5 seconds that I was maybe really pregnant.
Of course then the blood started.
Then the D and C that was not needed.
Then the methotrexate shots.
Oh yeah and the blood drawls.. the many, many, blood drawls.
I remember coming home from shot number 2 and feeling like my whole universe just got turned upside down.
I remember feeling all the happiness and joy just drain out of me. Like someone just reached in my chest and ripped my heart out.
Life is so unfair sometimes.
Why do I and other women try so hard to conceive and there are crackheads out there getting pregnant a drop of a hat. WHY?
Am I always going to be this bitter?
I've did a lot of soul searching. Really, I have. I still don't understand.
I just know that IF SUCKS. I know I've probably said this a thousand times.
There are no other words to describe it.
It steals all joy and happiness that exist.
It stole my honeymoon period and I want it back dammit!
It has also in return for happiness handed over grief and worry.
Do you really think if I ever do get pregnant through IVF that I will be normal and not worry the whole time?
I seriously doubt it.
And these people who are all about staying positive! FUCK'em. That's what I say.
You deal with all the shit I have and then let me tell you a positive attitude will get you farther.
That's horse shit!
There is no way possiable to see a silver linning when you've had the bowels of hell dropped on you time after time.
Do you not agree?
posted by Kimmer at 8:17 AM
2 Comments:
Well you know I agree that positive and hope bullshit is, well, um - bullshit. And yes, you will worry constantly if/when it happens (hopefully this year - wahoo!) - but it's what we're given. I think that's why I was complacent (not sure) - I think that I had finally come to terms with this being my life instead of constantly fighting against it, I was fighting with it - am I making any sense? yeah, I didn't think so.
I'm so sorry this took away your honeymoon period. Please don't beat yourself up about trying to find a lesson. It just sucks. You're right. It just sucks. One day you'll be through the other side - whether it's with a biological baby or not I can't tell you but I know that you'll come through this. I'm just so sorry that in the meantime it's so difficult.
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