Roller Coaster Ride

Well, I have been wanting to do this for a while, so I think with all of my infertiltiy woes that Mother's Day should be perfect for this new blog... I have never had a blog before, so bear with me, this might take some time. I feel I need to do this so hopefully I can look back and see that this hell ride was worth it.

I don't really remember how long my quest for a baby has been going on. Maybe 10 years now if I really think about it... But, the last 3 have did me in.
This whole freakin hell ride started when I was 18. I was engaged(too young to be engaged) and had fallen pregnant. I was with my mother getting a pap smear and getting put on the birth control pill when I found out the news. Perfect timing huh?

I was devastated, needless to say. I was so very young and my mother wanted me to get an abortion! That was not an option for me. She then begged me to put the baby up for adoption. Not an option either! From a very young age I have always wanted a child. I fought with mother about the situation with each day that followed.

Five days later I started to spot. I was sent to the hospital for an u/s. I had to drink a shit load of water and I remember being so uncomfortable. I felt like I was going to pop. The u/s revealed there was not a viable sac in my uterus. So, my ob/gyn said I was having a m/c. I was totally devastated and some how relieved also. I would no longer to have to worry about how to raise a child at such a young age.

The next couple of days the spotting picked up. Then all hell broke loose. The ob/gyn decided instead of me having a d&c, I should let my body go on it's own. I don't recommend this for anyone having a m/c. Very bad clots and cramps. This was a very emotional process for me. I remember just crying and being so sad about everything. And the pain from the cramps and all of the blood was like nothing I had ever experienced. Needless to say, I wish I would have headed straight to an RE then. But no, that took about 10 more years for me to figure out!

Flash forward a several years later. I was 22 and went to see my ob/gyn. I was having severe pain with intercourse and had been having some spotting for the past couple of days. Which would stop and start again.

My my stupid ob/gyn said I was ovulating and passing eggs for twins! I believed that shit too. Oh, I was so young and naive. A week after that visit, I woke up a 3 a.m. in the morning and could not walk or move. I was in fetal position screaming out for help. My mother and fiance had to carry me to the car. I told my mother on the way to the emergency room that I was going to die.

As soon as I entered the hospital they took my vital signs. They then sent me straight back to a room. An ER nurse tried to take my vitals again and tells me to stand up. I throw up from the pain and pass out on her. One hour later I was being rushed into an operating room for a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. I lost my right fallopian tube from the rupture and was in the hospital for 4 days. Wow, what an egg I ovulated huh?

Fast forward 2 more years later. I had another positive pregnancy test. Another ecotpic but it was caught very early. I received a nice shot of methotrexate to dissolve the pregnancy tissue. As you can see at the nice young age of 24 things are not looking so hopeful on the baby front.

This takes us to April of 2002. I am 28 and getting married to my wonderful husband. We have been together for 3 years and we have been very careful with using birth control/condoms so I don't get pregnant. We both wanted to wait until we were married to have children. Brian knows all I have been through.

We spent our honeymoon in Cancun and it was amazing. It just so happened I was ovulating over the honeymoon. Joked with friends that I might get pregnant because I will be ovulating. I notice in Cancun that I'm not feeling so well by end of trip. Could have been from the water? Or maybe all the booze?

I get home and go straight back to work a day later. I notice I am very tired. I go to sleep as soon as I get home from work every evening. My period ends up being 5 days late and my breast are huge and sore. On my way to work the following day I decided to pick up an hpt. I sneak into the bathroom and use it before my first client.

Instant positive!!! I was so happy. Perfect husband, perfect wedding, perfect honeymoon, and OMG we got pregnant on the first try! I came out of that bathroom with stick in hand waving it around and crying for JOY.

Well, that lasted about 2.5 seconds. Two days later I started spotting. I call my ob/gyn to see if he will work me in ASAP because I now have a history of ectopics. Blood work is drawn and hcg levels were high. Don't worry about the spotting my Dr. tells me, go home and stay off of your feet for the rest of the week. Come back in 2 days for more blood work. 2 days later more blood work. Hcg levels rose, I was told that I still need to stay off my feet because the spotting had not stopped! Come back in 2 more days for more blood work. 2 days later, more blood work again. This is what is known as BETA HELL!

I then get the dreaded phone call from my Dr.! Kim, you're going to need a d&c! Your betas have fallen and with all the bleeding we think it would be best! We're 100 percent sure this is a m/c. You need to go straight to the ER, we've called and made the arrangements..

So this was my first D&C. Nice drugs at least. I was told by my Dr. to come back in 2 days to make sure your my beta numbers are dropping. 2 days later my hcg levels are higher than first blood draw. Another ECTOPIC! My heart was simply crushed into a zillion pieces. 2 shots of metho. and a million blood drawls later my hcg levels finally go back to zero.

Fast forward another year later. It's the end of May 2003. Dh and I are having a pool party/cook-out at the in-laws for friends and family. I noticed my breast were very tender. I was also cramping on my left side. I go the restroom and I notice I have started to spot. I must have looked worried. B asked what was wrong when I came out of the bathroom. I whispered I'm spotting a weird color of brown/pink. He now knows that is not a good sign for me.

I call my ob/gyn the next day and he is OUT OF TOWN. So, I decided to go to another ob/gyn. Just as I thought I was pregnant again! More blood work. I sit and wait for the results of the blood work and wait to talk with my DR.

I explain to new Dr. that I now have had one zillion ectopic pregnancies and I'm really worried this is another one. He assures me that my Hcg levels were so high that he feels this is a normal pregnancy(18,000 to be exact) and that he will do a u/s the following day just to make sure all is okay. With my HCG levels being so high they should be able to see something on the u/s..
Okay, whatever.

I go in the following day for an u/s. I ask the u/s tech if she can see anything? She tells me my Dr. will tell me my results(this isn't a good sign). I wait an hour to talk to the Dr. He informs me that I need emergency surgery again, he suspects another ectopic and I have a huge cyst also.

Wonderful! This is what I describe as surgery HELL. I think my ob/gyn was drunk or high? It took me 2 months to recover from a simple lap. and d&c, which should only have took a couple of days. The ob/gyn must have nicked something. I had what looked like bruises on my back. What it actually was is the following. Blood had drained and pooled under my skin on my back. The skin turned browninsh black and peeled off in huge strips. My belly button incision would not heal. I had to go back to my Drs. 2 weeks after the surgery and have the incision re-cut open because it was infected. 2 days later I pulled a cotton gauze out of the belly button incision. NICE huh?

This dumbfuck ob/gyn tells me to keep trying. That the one tube I have left looked wonderful when he perforemed my lap. He never really tells me that I had an ectopic and the pathology report for the d&c came back as no by products of conception also.

So after botched job surgery I moved straight to an RE. In Jan of 2004, Dh and I went to our first consult with an RE. He suggest IVF due to the large amount of ectopics that I have had. Newbie that I was, I thought this was going to work with the first try. I even decided that I would not cycle until April because the baby would be born around DH's birthday. Yeah you can throw up now if you'ld like. Puke, little did I know.

The whole IVF process has ended up being a huge freakin roller coaster ride. I ended up being a very poor responder and my eggs were shit. I produced 5 eggs, icsi'ed all 5. 3 fertilized. Very poor grade. I transferred all 3 and got a BFN.
I then researched day and night about IVF. I learned that my clinic's stats were shit! Horrific! Something like 22 percent live birth rate?!? What a newbie I was and 12,000 dollars later flat broke!

In Aug. 2004, my father offered to help us out with another cycle. I went to a new RE. He wanted to take my last tube out. Which was fine by me. I didn't want anymore ectopics and my new RE explained with all my ectopics that the chances for a healthy pregnancy in my uterus were only about 2 percent if we tried on our own.

Surgery was scheduled for Aug/Sept sometime, I have forgotten the exact date. We ended up having huge mud slides in western NC the day of my surgery which blocked the interstate for several days. I could not make it to surgery. I decided since I would have to wait another month to have surgery that if my RE would agree, I would just go a head and cycle without the removal of my last tube. I asked my RE if I could just go a head and cycle. He agreed to it, but stated that I still needed to have the lap. to remove my last tube.

I started my lupron injections, had my u/s first to make sure all was well, he noticed a little free fluid in my tube and uterus. He told me that I had a pretty good size cyst also. But reassured me it should be gone before I start my stims. I then had some insurance issues come up and had to stop my cycle after about a week and a half of Lupron injections.

About a week later I started spotting. I called my RE and told him I was spotting and had some dull pains on my left side. He asked if I could be pregnant? That it sounds like it could be an ectopic. I told him I think the cyst had ruptured. No, he then tells me, I should take a hpt just to be safe.

I take a HPT, instant positive. Took 3 more just to a make sure. My RE said he wanted me at his office for beta ASAP. My hcg levels came back at 98. He said to come back in 2 days and if beta goes up no surgery. If my hcg levels go down, we were heading straight for surgery, removing my last tube, and performing a hysteroscopy with my lap.

Second beta was a 64! Off to surgery for me. Surgery went excellent. RE took some really cool pictures of my uterus and tube. It was another ectopic(so he thought). I also had severe adhesions all over the tube and ovaries. He said he cleaned up some of the adhesions.

So in November of 2004, I attempted my 3rd cycle. Everything went rather well. I produced 7 eggs this time. I was on a higher dose of stims. 5 fertilized excellent quality and grade. Three at 8 cells, 2 at 7 cells. First go around none made it past 4 and 6. Still a bfn though... I even had 3 to freeze with the second/thrid cycle. I will be attempting a FET sometime soon. Not really too hopeful, but I pray it will work.

So, this sums up my ride so far in a nutshell.... If anyone is still with me? I'm sick and tired of all of this. But, I must keep in mind, that what does not kill you will make you stronger... Or so I am told.