Nomad's Land

Updated

2007-05-16T10:08:00.000-04:00

Needed to updated this account so that I could comment on other blogger accounts.

So here we are... Mr. Old blog it's been a while.

You can find me at...

2006-03-15T19:20:00.000-05:00

Nomad's Land

Follow Up

2006-02-24T09:09:00.000-05:00

Well, I made it to the follow up with RE #2 yesterday. Things went okay.
I was armed with the recent diagnosis of the septum and several questions for old RE(aka DF).
The staff at this clinic is very nice. The receptionist and all of the nurses love me. It's hard for me to maintain a pissed off attitude in this environment. Like I have said before, this IVF clinic really gets the emotional aspects of the IVF process. They are very compassionate. But, compassion doesn't equal pregnancies unfortunately.
I arrive at 10:36 am, I had to call the clinic and tell them I was going to be a couple of minutes late. Something huge had flown off of a transfer truck on the interstate so right before my exit to RE #2, the interstate was open with only one lane of traffic. Traffic was extremely congested.
I was wheeled immediately back to my RE's office. Nice hand shake when I entered the room and instead of sitting behind his desk he sits closer to me. More towards the side.
So here's where things get interesting.
Him- So, you are here for the follow up on your frozen transfer?
Me- Yup
He then goes into a whole spill of how only 1 of the three embryos made it through the thaw. They hatched it a 7 cells. That immediately confused me because I was told that it gained a cell after the thaw process. Oh well, not to concerned about Lone Ranger. He/she put up a good fight just to survive the thaw process.
He then goes into the whole spill of how all my embryo's were excellent quality after my fresh cycle and they had a lot of hope that it would work. That my cycle was textbook for pregnancy. Now we all know that excellent quality embryos don't amount to a hill of beans in the IVF game.
I then question any changes he would make to my protocol?
He answers with none.
I then told him about my day 3 fsh coming back as 11.
Once again would you change my protocol?
He asked who performed my days 3's. I tell him my ob/gyn. He goes into a spill about if I was 39 that wouldn't concern him so much but being only 32 that is something that does concern him a little. But, still thinks that the long lupron protocol worked wonderfully for me and he would not change it.
Yeah maybe a year and a half ago when my fsh was only 6.5, but um.. Now it's 11? He knows I don't respond the best anyway. I didn't realize they performed the day 3 testing on me a year and a half ago.
So, I then ask him to explain the findings of the hysteroscopy? What did he see when performing it?
He reads back my surgical report to me. Everything looks great.
So this is the part where he looks like a deer caught in head lights.
I then tell him that I consulted a 3rd RE on Jan. the 24th and I was diagnosised with a uterine septum.
I lay out the diagnosis sheet and wait.
His eyes get as wide as two saucers and he says to me. YOU DO NOT HAVE A SEPTUM.
I said humm..
I then question the fact that in my surgical report it states that the ostium(opening of the fallopian tubes) could be seen on the left but not on the right when the hysteroscopy was inserted? With a normal uterus you should be able to see both openings.
He stutters a little bit.
I then ask about the white tissue area that I see on the hysteroscopy pictures. Both of these are classic signs of septums.
He just repeats you do not have a septum.
He asked what procedure new RE used to diagnosis this and I told him standard procedure that they perform before they cycle anyone at their clinic. A saline u/s.
He then states that he's performed many saline u/s and he too has thought that many women have had septums. That after moving forward with the hysteroscopy they have shown to not have a septum.
I then explain that I'm sick and tired of spending all of this money out of pocket. That I want some answers before anyone carves on my uterus. That if I do infact have a septum and it was missed that this was something detrimental.
He suggest that I seek a third opinion to put my mind at ease, and repeats that I do not have a septum.
Well, let me tell you folks. I'm seriously over it. I know it's hard for RE's to acknowledge their mistakes. But, I need some answers to this situation.
So, I have ANOTHER consultation with another RE in my area on March the 13th. I need some answers before I close this book on IVF if you know what I mean?
It's a big ass cluster fuck if you ask me!

Follow Up Is Rescheduled

2006-02-20T09:07:00.000-05:00

For this Thursday. It's snowing in the mountains, I didn't feel safe enough to drive. So we shall see what happens Thursday!
Meanwhile, I'm neck deep in receipts for my taxes....
HELP!

Expose theme myself?

2006-02-19T18:30:00.001-05:00

As most of you know tomorrow is the follow up with dumbfuck RE who missed the septum.
I'm hoping DF will refund the money that I have wasted with him and the his wonderfully shitty clinic.
I'm actually thinking of pursuing legal action(if he doesn't agree) but I don't know if I have enough energy to fight. That's still up in the air...
I will cycle again and have surgery to repair the septum if all goes well. If not, B and I have decided to pursue adoption. We are finally on the same page about the infertility situation and I must admit. If feels pretty good. I'm just starting to research the adoption areas. We are thinking of going domestic. I feel like a newbie all over again.
Enough is enough. My body is spent mentally and physically and I'm ready to move on to.

Just What The Dr. Ordered

2006-02-15T20:04:00.000-05:00

Yup, well... He didn't actually order it, I did.
B and I took a little vacation. Not a very long one. We were only away for 3 days but I have to say, it could not have been any better timing considering the circumstances.
I actually didn't think about my infertility once for 3 days. I can't believe it.
We went away to a ski resort called WINTERPLACE. We stayed at the Glade Springs Resort. Very nice. Couldn't resist the incredible deal that we received.
I surprised hubby with a nice couples massage at the spa at Glade Springs, the day before Valentine's. Sweet... I could have stayed at that spa all evening. I felt like a noodle I was so relaxed.
The big bonus about the whole trip was that it was snowing. Well, almost a damn white out! Being from the south, the slopes in NC are normally icy conditions. If you can snowboard on ice you can snowboard on about anything. I thought I had died and went to powder heaven on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. I'm completely spoiled with fresh powder now. I'm pretty sure they received well over 12 inches of snow. It was beautiful, relaxing, peaceful, pampering, and fun. Something I was in desperate need of.
The bad part is my face is completely chapped. My lips, nose, and cheeks are red, raw, and hurt like a bitch at the moment. Any tips for extremely dry skin on the face? My skin is really sensitive also. No pain, no gain! Huh?
I attempted a little jump at the snowboard park. Yes, I do believe I'm getting a little brave. I actually landed the first jump. The second one I went completely airborne and came down on my ass. It didn't hurt that bad, or I was laughing too hard at myself to notice. My husband then decided he would attempt the run. He landed the first one, didn't get enough speed for the second jump. We laughed and watched the youngsters rip it up.
I really wish I would have learned to snowboard in my younger years instead of my 30's. Oh well, it was fun and I needed the break. It was also very romantic, something else that was much needed.
We have decided what to do about the current infertility situation but I'm not really wanting to discuss it at the moment. I'm still on my little mini-vacation high..
Stay tuned, I'm sure details will be in the next post!

More Bad News

2006-02-09T18:41:00.000-05:00

Well, seems like I'm out of the game for the shared risk. My day 3 fsh came back as 11. Yup, 11.
I'm screaming at the universe at the moment. I'm so hurt. In order for me to be accepted into the shared risk my day 3's needed to be under 10. One crappy little point. Seems to be the story of my life here lately. ALWAYS SOMETHING.
I'm so over it.
I mean I guess I could go through with the septum surgery. Spend tons of money for a single cycle. And just go for it. But, I feel in my heart, I don't have a snowball's chance in hell of this working for me.
You know people ask all of the time, when is enough really enough? They say you know when enough is enough. Well, I could not be hearing it any louder at the moment. My mind/intuition is screaming enough!
Like I was telling a wonderful friend of mine today. If I haven't had 3 surgeries in the past, the ectopic's, the m/c's, the failed IVF cycles, and the money flushed down the drain. I would be open arms about the situation.
I wouldn't think twice about moving forward. But, as I sit here this evening. I'm finding myself wanting to adopt more and more. I've had it, I'm spent, and I'm sick of all these fucking procedures. I don't want any more surgeries and I don't want anymore failed cycles. Enough.
I'm so desperate. I'm actually thinking of calling PITA sister and asking her if she remembers the talk we had when she offered to be a surrogate for B and I. She's a total nut job. But, if it involves a baby making it to term, I'm all for it.
If it gets me out of another invasive surgery, even better! Hey, If I'm really sweet maybe she'll donate her eggs also. Don't really think mine are going to do the trick.
I just don't think I can handle this anymore. I'm going to have to get some things sorted out.
Like, just really how much we can afford.
My main objective about the about entering the shared risk. If it didn't work, I would receive money back and then could afford to adopt.
Well, that plan is scratch...
So, now it's either
1) Adoption
2) Have surgery, do a single cycle and call it quits. Take another year off to save money to be able to afford to adopt.
3) Gestational surrogate, which I'm thinking is even more expensive than adoption, and still no guarantee.

I don't know what all number 3 would involve. I guess I should research a little. Now with my fsh being so shitty, plus the uterus, I don't even know which way to turn.
I know I'm probably not making much sense. Because it's not making much sense to me at the moment. I just know my mind is screaming.

KIM YOU'RE SERIOUSLY FUCKED!

Surgery Scheduled

2006-01-30T09:16:00.000-05:00

For March the 9th. Not really looking forward to it, but atleast I have somewhat of a plan. I don't plan on cycling for a couple of months after my surgery. As you all know, I'm somewhat of a waiter. Not a big fan of back to back cycles. I also want to give my poor uterus time to heal properly.

I would like to thank everyone for the comments on my last post. It was a really hard day for me. I went in expecting to cycle this month and was hit with the news on my septum. I think that was one of the hardest days I've ever experienced, right up there with the pain of some of my losses.

While I'm very happy it was found, I'm also very pissed at my former REs.

I have a follow up consult scheduled for Feb. the 13th with my last RE( he performed the hysteroscopy). He thinks it's for my failed FET cycle. Ha! Little does he know. In a perfect world, I would like to think this man would offer to refund my money spent on the fresh and frozen cycles with him. But, in the real world, I know this will never happen.

I've had several people tell me I should sue him. I really don't have the energy, I would just like a refund for my cycles. I know that things are mis-diagnosed on a daily basis, so I'm sure since this wasn't a life threatening condition, I don't stand a chance.

I can only look forward from here on out.

On another note, I'm thinking of changing over to typepad. I'm sick of blogger being down every time I want to post something. So, we might have a whole new look in a couple of days.

Thank you all, again, for all of the support. It means the world to me!

Hope For The Best.

2006-01-24T22:30:00.000-05:00

Receive the worst.

Boy o boy, if I could only draw everyone a picture of my reproductive system. Trust me, it's not a pretty picture folks.

I can not stress enough how important it is to find a really good RE. Seek second, third, and fourth opinions if you must! If you have been dealing with IF for more than a year. Move straight to an RE.
Run don't walk.
I'm totally numb. I've been crying on and off since 12 a.m. this afternoon.

Shall I start the day out from the beginning?
Do you really want to hear me whine?

Around 4 a.m. I am awaken by my wonderful(ratbastard) cat. I don't mean that in a bad way, I swear. I love the little fellow but, do I really need to be awaken to him rolling in a ball like sonic the crazed hedgehog for 15 minutes at 4 in the morning.

6 a.m.- Shower make coffee. Drink coffee and get ready for my 3 hour drive to see RE number 3, the big consult I've been looking so forward to. HA!

6:45 wake B up and tell him to start getting ready.

7:11 - 7:22- agonize over what the fuck to wear. Do I want to go comfy or fashionable? Try on 4 paris of pants, 15 shirts, 2 different bras, 2 different panties, 6 pairs of shoes and three different necklaces.

7:300- fuck it, just throw something on safe.

7:33- leave the house with my suitcase full of consent forms and medical history.

7:33 -10:35- Ride with husband and listen to him bitch about traffic(it was really bad). Try to ignore him and read the latest book I've started.

10:41- Try to find a parking spot at new clinic. Find one and some bitch cuts in front of B and takes the spot.(HA, lucky for her I'm not stimming)

10:45- Arrive at new clinic and sign in. Hand over insurance information and well you know the drill

11:05- Called back by nurse. Very sweet, checks my blood pressure(a little high), I then explain cut off in the parking lot and traffic. She ask some medical history. We laugh, life's good. Taken back to Mr. Wonderful( aka my new RE)

Are you bored yet? Get ready for some waiting...

11:21- Mr. Wonderful walks in. We talk about my history...
He scans over my medical back ground and starts drilling me with questions esp, about my other protocols. He then review my pregnancies. Starts asking several more questions and starts taking notes. We discuss my surgeries. Talk more protocol. He then explains the next set of test he would like to run.
Blood test that involve 9 viles of blood to be drawn.
Also known as a habitual aborter panel. It includes screening for lupus anticoagulant, Anticardiolipin IgM, IgG, IgA, Thrombophilia, Genetic evaluation, Immunologic Factors, and endocrine normalities.
Which is basically boils down to a whole lot of blood people. I begged, pleaded with my last RE to run these test. My last RE didn't believe in them. It's just my tubes, that's the only problem.
We talk more protocol(he promises to fine tune it when I have my day 3 fsh results in), in order to achieve a better response next time I cycle, and sends me to the room across the hall for my saline ultrasound. Sends B off to the porn room and I'm a happy camper.
A RE how agrees to test and believes in them? You've got to be kidding, and I was mad because you made me wait 26 minutes... Okay you're forgiven.

11:51- Keep watching the u/s machine, the clock is ticking. Mr. Wonderful might be getting a quick bite to eat. Nope, I think I hear him with another patient? I here my chart shuffling. Is that him? Nope back to the book.

12:04- Well there you are sunshine, what took you so long? I then explain how I've never had a saline ultrasound. I've had an hsg, back in the day when I had a tube and a nube(my ob/gyn sent me to my local hospital for one) when I was a little pup wet behind the years.
All is going well. He's explaining his findings. Ask if I only had one ovary. I wanted to ask him if he read my chart, but bite my lip. I explain to him that the right ovary he was looking for was covered with adhesions. And I've been told that my ovaries are really small.
Oh yes, I've found it. Shows me my resting follicles(11 or 12 resting) Explains that I should get a much better response with my upcoming cycle, that previous RE's should have use a different protocol(you think?). And then things get really quiet. Nurse and I are chit chatting . Nurse even comments on how quiet Mr. Wonderful just got.
He then said I'm concentrating.
Okay? I then hear these 3 words.
YOU HAVE A UTERINE SEPTUM!
What?( did I just hear that correctly?)
I then mumble something along the lines of,
So that's where my embryos are going!
I get really quiet also.
Chatty nurse pats my knee.
He then starts showing me everything on the u/s screen after he injects another round of saline.
From then on things start getting really blurry. He tells me to get dressed and he'll explain his findings.
I'm fighting back the tears, I know it's not good.
I sit on a bench outside of the u/s room and I'm sure I look like I just got punched in the gut. My brain is racing.
How could this have possibly went un diagnosed when I've had a fucking hysteroscopy from my last RE? How? How do you miss this?
B walks up with a little grin on his face. Wish I was grinning. Looks at me and knows that something is wrong.
What's wrong dear, is everything okay?
I mumbled, not good, I'll let Mr. Wonderful explain.
Mr. Wonderful takes B and I back into his office again.
He explains the good, I guess if you consider 10/11 resting follicles good news.
And then moves into the septum spill.
He draws a picture of what he was seeing so that I'll understand better. And well I have a complete nervous break down on him. He shows B and I the u/s photos again and goes over them thoroughly.
How much can one person take? My cup has runnit over with shit fucking luck.
He then explains the surgery to fix the septum. It's really quite simple or so Mr. Wonderful said.
I'm not really hearing things too well at this point.
I do manage to ask if it involves another fucking laporscopy? Please God,no more surgeries. No more incisions on my stomach.
I did here a no on that.
Also heard simple procedure with little recovery time. Would just set me back a month or two on cycling. Heard the words hysteroscopic metroplasty and something about a catheter/balloon being place in my uterus while I heal. Heard some thing about taking hormones during the healing time to quiet the uterus and decide to cry some more.

Mr. Wonderful then told me they have great success rates with this procedure. He then goes on to tell me that he can not cycle me without the surgery.
That women with septums like mine are not able to carry a baby to term. Could be the reason that 2 of my ectopics were ify about being a actual ectopic.

Mr. Wonderful leaves the room and sends the nurse in to take me over for my labs.
9 viles.

My loving husband tells me to stop blaming myself. I can't control this. I really can't. He doesn't understand the anger I'm feeling. I've seen incompetent Dr. after incompetent Dr. and I'm pissed for wasting so much money.

Blood drawn, back to Mr.Wonderful's office. We wait some more.

Mr. Wonderful strolls in and tells me his nurse will call to set me up for surgery. That may husband's semen analysis is perfect. Yes, I know this.

We check out and leave.

I cry on and off the whole ride home. We arrive home sometime after 5pm.

I don't know what to do.

So that's the long awaited consult in a fucking nutshell. I drafted some of this last night. I'm mentally exhausted at the moment.

I want to call in to work but I have a full day on my book.

Life goes on I suppose.

2 Days

2006-01-22T11:17:00.000-05:00

But who's counting? Tuesday is the big day for the consult. Looks like no natural disasters, snow storms, or ice storms are around the bend.
Will she make it is the question? Stay tuned people.
We had a little scare with my husband's blood work on Friday. Our new clinic called on Tuesday leaving this on the answering machine.
Mr. So and So, this is asshole nurse, calling with the results of your blood work. Will you please return my call as soon as possible?
So, I , being the wonderful wife that I am, took it upon myself to return B's call. The lady's voice mail said it may take 24 to 48 hours to return any messages left. Well, 48 hours later, I still had not heard from the lady. I finally call again Friday morning.
The nurse(or whatever the hell she is) said that she had been out of town and she apologized(so nice of her) for not calling us back sooner. She then proceeds to tell me that she can not give me my husband's results that she needs to talk to him! WTF?
So, I go into panic mode and start assuming the worse. I asked her if things are okay, she said once again I can't release any results to you. WTF?
My husband is over a huge job and doesn't really have time to call, but I phone his cell phone as soon as I hung up with the evil lady. I tell him to call her immediately! I think the worse about every situation so of course my brain is going crazy.
Then I wait.
B doesn't call me back for a full 20 minutes.
B finally calls and said that all of the blood work came back fine. She needed to speak with him about setting his chart up. Now, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT ABOUT? Could she not have just explained that to me?
No! That would have been too simple! She had to send me into full panic mode. I know that they are not suppose to release stuff to outside sources. But come on now. A simple statement such as everything is fine would have been wonderful.
Nothing is every simple with my life.
On a much more positive note!

GO PANTHERS!

Reasons Why I Love IVF

2006-01-17T22:53:00.000-05:00

Part 2

Well, as you see this took me some time to compose....

1- I love the fact that IVF has worked for so many people. Tends to bring the hope back into my life.

2- It has given me the chance of possibly having a baby one day. If it wasn't for IVF, I would never have a second chance to conceive on my own considering I'm tubeless.

3- I've met some really wonderful women/friends during this process that really understand and get the whole infertile thing. Because, lets just face it, not too many out there in the real world get it. They are wonderful support and I will cherish those friendships even though I have never met some of them.

4- Saving the best for last. The retrieval drugs. Gotta love the drugs...

I think that pretty much sums it up. I could have actually added more to reasons to why I hate it and I may continue once I get these cycles underway. That is if I'm accepted into this program. Certain surgeries may not let me. The fact that I'm a poor responder and the fact that my fsh was high at 28 years of age, isn't real positive. I hate to see it now at 32 years old. Here's hoping for the best but expecting the worse! Cheers!

6 more days people! I'll be there next Tuesday come hell or high waters! I think I probably just jinxed myself with that statement, considering all that has went down, but what the hell. There better not be any natural disasters next Tuesday or I'm going to be really pissed.

Reasons why I hate IVF

2006-01-06T22:01:00.000-05:00

Part 1

1) Hate that I'm out of pocket. It has cost me a small fortune for failure.

2) Hate shooting up. Really don't enjoy the needles.

3) Hate the huge emotional roller coaster ride of the whole process.

4) Really pissed me off that I have to spend all this money and still no guarantee that I'll take home a child.

5) I've had enough surgeries, ectopics, and d&c's to last a lifetime. If I do get pregnant, petrified of another loss.

6) Hate the fact that I have to drive almost 5 hours(round trip) to see this new RE.

7) Always fight with my husband when going through this process. Sick of fighting over trying to have a baby.

8) Have to sneak around and do this shit because my Irl friends and family drive me crazy about my infertility.

9) Not really looking forward to another round with the dildo cam.

10) Not to mention the huge needle going through the uterus just sucks big one's also.

11) I just want to get pregnant the good ole fashion way and the fact that I have to do IVF pisses me off because it's such a roll of dice. Unpredictable.
.
12) Hate missing work because everyone will know what I'm doing.

13) Hate the whole drama over how many fucking eggs am I going to make. Will I get cancelled. Will they fertilize? Will this embryo decide to stick around?

14) I just hate it all.... I'm sure I could come up with more at the moment but my brain is mush!

Stay tuned for reasons why I love it. HA!

I SUPPOSE

2006-01-02T16:40:00.000-05:00

A good blogger should blog more than once a month. Sorry for the absence. It seems with all the excitement of the holidays I neglected my blogging.

Christmas was wonderful. My husband spent entirely too much money. What's new he always does. He bought me a new digital camera. YAHOO for good pictures. A gold necklace, giftcard to Victoria's Secret, a giftcard to one of my favorite clothing stores, new pajamas, slippers, perfume... Too much shit if you ask me.

My mother and her husband came in Christmas day. Trinity came down Christmas day also. It was a nice Christmas.

New Year's was spent snowboarding with my husband and friends. I had a ball. This is the first New Year that I can remember not being shitty drunk. I didn't drink Saturday night because I didn't want to die snowboarding. By the time we got back to our cabin I was extremely tired. I wish I would have remembered to take some pictures of us snowboarding. This was my third time snowboarding and I finally made it down the more advanced slopes without falling. I actually made it down twice without falling. I've got the heel edging down my next goal is to work on toe edging. Maybe, if I work enough nerve up, I might attempt to hit a box or rail on our next trip. Yes, pretty scary.

My husband surprised me with a new Burton snowboard, boots, and bindings. I sent him to go pick up my rentals Saturday morning and he came home with the new gear instead. I'm a very happy camper to say the least. Totally surprised me with that. We had talked about the purchase earlier that week. I told him that it was entirely too much money to be spending with our consult approaching. Well, I guess he didn't feel the same. I can't be mad because I really wanted the gear.

This New Year was much better than last. Last year I started my period on New Year's Eve. It sucked considering I was in the 2ww for my second IVF. It was just so nice for me to enjoy Christmas and the holidays this year. I really thought that last year I wasn't bothered by cycling over the holidays. I realized this year how much it consumed me.

Nothing else to report. Gearing up for my consult on the 24th. I'm actually getting a little excited about the situation. Very weird for me.

Hoping that 2006 will better year for me and everyone!

Consult Was A Bust

2005-12-19T11:52:00.000-05:00

Didn't make it to our consult due to this... Yes, people that is freezing rain. We had over a half an inch accumulation of this mess. Lots of people lost power in our area and still are without it. We were lucky enough to not loose our power. But, there was no way in hell I could have drove to the consultation is this mess. Considering RE #1000 is almost 3 hours away.
I am rescheduled for the third time now on January 24. I guess it's Murphy's Law, if it's going to happen it will happen to me.

My Old Friend Has Returned

2005-12-07T10:17:00.000-05:00

His name is anxiety. He creeps in often. I hate him. He causes worry and shortness of breath sometimes. He causes my mind to play out scenarios over and over.
Yes indeed, Mr. Anxiety made a full fledge appearance last night out of no where. That's the worst thing about Mr. Anxiety, just when you think your are free and clear. Watch out, he's back...
I'm sure what I am feeling is the stress from the upcoming consult. The consult is the 15th, I'm throwing a Christmas party at my house on the 17th. B asked me last night, as I was discussing how my little friend has made his grand return visit, if I would like to reschedule the consult? Nope, let's just get it over with.
I feel like I'm on a see-saw of cycling. One minute I'm all for it and the very next minute, Run Forest RUN!

Saddle Up

2005-11-29T18:36:00.000-05:00

Time to get back on the horse so to speak! Consult is Dec. 15 for the shared risk cycle. 3 fresh cycles and 3 frozen(if any left to freeze) for one lump sum. It's like buying a car folks with no car to show for the payment. But hopefully a nice baby or two if I strike it rich. I don't know why I didn't do this to begin with. It's been almost a year now since my last fresh cycle. I'm not really looking forward to this but I want a child. I never thought in my whole entire life I would have to sink this much money into having a child.
That is if this works, which is a really big huge if!
I still may walk away childless, but at least I will get some damn money back.
Why was I so naive to think that this would really work the first go around? Because of the six ectopics?
What the fuck was so great about my tubes anyway? I wish my embryos would share the same feelings about my uterus that they did about my long gone tubes....

Thanksgiving

2005-11-23T09:23:00.000-05:00

Well folks, another year has about passed me by again and here I am childless. I'm beginning to wonder what I'm sure every IFer wonders. Am I just not meant to be mother? Maybe it's not part of the big plan and I shouldn't interfere.
I guess I'm starting to doubt my ability of motherhood. Okay, this post is suppose to be about what I am thankful for.

1- I am very thankful for my health. It hasn't failed me yet. Unless you want to include my reproductive health. I feel like without your health you have nothing.

2- I am very thankful for my family. Same as above, with out my family I would be lost.

3- I am truly thankful for my animals that provide me year round entertainment and unconditional love. Thank you Puma and Macey. Esp. you Puma, when you run around the house like a crazed kitty.

4- I'm also very thankful for my online friends. Who truly get it. Who have picked my ass up when my face has been flat down in the dirt. I love you all... I can not express how thankful I am for the many times you all have helped me or just listened to my woes.

5- Last but not least, I'm thankful for my work-a-holic husband who is never home. I know that he loves me even though he drives me insane at times. (note the sarcasm)

Okay people, have a nice Thanksgiving and I hope everyone enjoys the wonderful holiday season.

2005-11-17T09:25:00.000-05:00

Notice the pictures of the lovely trees that I've posted. I wish. Still no trees people. Brian did manage to pour the foundation for the brick columns. This week will be the last week of tree planting in these parts. So, I suppose the trees will not be planted this fall. Imagine that.
I suppose I shouldn't whine. It just pisses me off.
I need a break people. I need a vacation. I want to run far, far, away at this moment in time.
I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I guess what really bothers me is last year around this time I was cycling. Though, I don't want to cycle over Christmas or holidays ever again. Because let's face it, a negative beta on New Year's just doesn't quite give you a good feeling for the New Year to come. I know that I will be cycling again in the near future. But, at the moment I just feel drained. I feel like having a child, at the this point in my life, is never going to happen.
I've accepted the fact that I'm not going to adopt. I'm really not. My feelings on adoption have changed dramatically over the past few months.
I guess if this shared program doesn't work it will be child free living for me. I'll be the weird one on the block with the millions of cats that little kids are scared of.
Nice life huh? I never thought I would turn out to be the neighborhood freak show.
I guess as Forest Gump would put it, "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your going to get!" Or something along those lines.
How about my life is like a big pile of shit. It just keeps getting deeper.

Yeah yeah, this too shall pass!

Am I The Only Wife

2005-11-08T08:33:00.000-05:00

With a husband that always puts them on the back burner?
So, things have been a little tuff around the household.
My husband is an electrical contractor and is on a huge industrial project working his butt off. He worked about 80 hours last week. He's obsessed. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that he's a hard worker. But, sometimes it completely wears me out.
Take for instance, it's fall time. We have some major yard work to tackle. We live off a very busy road. But, we have 2 acres of land so we aren't on top of the road. I hate this road. Hate it. For the past 5 years I've wanted to plant bushes, shrubs, or trees to block the road off. B decided this year we would do it. So, we agreed on a certain type of tree we would plant to form a border and block the road off. Do you think he's gotten around to helping? No. Too busy working. I explained to him Saturday that I was going to purchase the Leyland Cypresses and do it myself. Or hire someone to tackle it. Of course, he got extremely mad at my suggestion.
Last spring we had several plant/shrubs along the side of the house. Yellow Belles and something else that was green. The plants were growing way to fast and too hard for us to keep up with so we yanked them out. Have we replaced the shrubs yet? NO.
The trees around our house need new mulch. Has that been done? NO.
And please don't get me started on the brick columns that are suppose to be at the beginning of our driveway. The foundation was dug, and that's it. So, there are two huge boxed off holes around the light pole, where a foundation is suppose to be poured and columns are suppose to be bricked.
It's driving me crazy.
I guess being a Virgo, I'm a little OCD about everything being neat. I'm also the type of person that when they start something they finish it.
B is the complete opposite. He can start something and let it sit and it doesn't bother him whatsoever.
I WANT MY TREES PEOPLE . I guess it time to call in the landscaper. I can see my husband coming home and I've had the yard landscaped. He would flip out! He's so psycho when it comes to yard work. He thinks he's the only person who can do it correctly.
What also makes me angry is this? If someone would call him(say anyone) and ask for help with something. He would drop everything and run to help. I'm serious! But, let me ask for one simple little thing that I need fixed or PLANTED and it's a knock down drag out argument(we don't throw blows). But, it does get heated sometimes.
Will someone please explain this? Does anyone else have a husband that will help out everyone else? But, when you want or need something done, you are pushed on the back burner?

Okay Mr. RE

2005-11-03T19:43:00.000-05:00

Are you reading my blog? If you are, you really don't know me yet? I mean when I expressed I was having a little anxiety about cycling. I didn't mean that I wanted to have my consult rescheduled.
This is no shit!
My Re's nurse called yesterday because my RE has got called out of town for an emergency until Nov. the 26th.
Just weird how things happen sometimes.
Talk about signs...
So, now I'm not consulting until Dec. Which is fine. Which means that I more than likely won't cycle until Feb.
More waiting.
Not that I feel like cycling. Right now I could care less if I ever stick myself with a needle again.
More waiting. More time to figure out if this is what I really want I guess.

Getting Scared

2005-11-02T09:43:00.000-05:00

As my consult approaches in less than a week for the shared risk. I'm finding myself scared. I'm feeling a lot of anxiety also.
My reasons are as follows:
1) I don't know if I'm prepared mentally to take on 3 IVF cycles and 3 Fet cycles in 1 year. Not that I'll have enough to freeze. But, that's part of the package if I do. I must perform all cycles within a year or no money will be returned.

2) I'm out of pocket on all expenses. The amount of money we are getting ready to drop on this makes my stomach turn. I'm not a huge fan of debt. I am just now starting to get out of debt from opening my salon 3 years ago. Also, we finally have all our debt paid off from my surgeries, past 2 IVF's, and the FET.

3) Is this worth it? I mean to subject my body to all of these procedures on top of all of the surgeries I've had in the past. I mean of course it will be worth it if I do take home a live baby. But, what if I m/c again? I don't know mentally if I can handle another loss. I have vivid nightmares from time to time of being pregnant and delivering and things not going so well. I feel like sometimes it's a premonition. Trying to warn me of what lies ahead.
If someone could just tell me that it will work or let's just say I had a crystal ball and I could see into the future that it would work. I wouldn't hesitate. I wouldn't look back at all. But, considering all that I've been through. I just don't want anymore heartache.

5) When I cycle, I'm not the most pleasant person in the world. It usually causes huge amounts of stress on B and I. Nice agurements and all of that other good junk!

I don't know, I'm confused and scared and not quite sure if I can handle all of this! When is enough, really enough?

Meet Cinderella

2005-11-01T08:26:00.000-05:00

Well, Miss T thinks she's Cinderella. My husband and I took my niece, Trinity, trick or treating last night. We had fun. Under any other circumstances I would have never attempted to go trick or treating. Thanks IF!
Miss T hung with the best of them. She loved it. The great thing about being an Aunt is, I let her eat unlimited amounts of candy. Then I got to drop her off at her grandmother's house when we were finished trick or treating!
The picture is not the best. It could have used some editing. I lost my software to for my digital camera when I upgraded and had my computer repaired. So, now I must find my software in the mist of all the other junk in my office/computer room.
It was so funny last night. Trinity's crown was a little too big and kept falling down around her eyes. I asked her if she would like to take it off. Oh no, she was wearing it no matter what. My husband and I thought for sure she would ditch the crown.
Overall, it was a very fun night. Except I kept snatching candy out of Trin's bucket. Okay, sometimes you have to indulge a little. It was Halloween!

Return of the Fat Ass

2005-10-29T08:17:00.000-04:00

I about passed out from shock when I stepped on the scales this morning. 140 pounds people. Gulp, how did this happen? And when?
I know some people may say 140 is not a lot of weight but to me it is. I'm small boned and I'm only 5 feet 3 inches. So, that's a lot of weight on me. My normal weight use to be anywhere from 128 to 135. 140 is ridiculous. I'm sick of being out of shape.
Dr. Google also just told me for my height, my idea body weight should be between 117 and 137. So, as you see I'm now overweight for my height. I doubt I'll ever see 117, but 130 is reachable.
Today I will turn over a new leaf.
I will start to exercise again and watch what I eat.
I guess I've just let myself go after this last FET. I haven't exercised in weeks and I feel horrible.
I don't want to attempt to go into the holidays at this weight. Because I know what I will look like after the holidays are over with.
I have to do this for myself, have too!
Even though my back has a pinched nerve in it, I will do everything I can to take off some of this weight.
NO MORE FAT ASS...

Stopping the Madness

2005-10-27T08:21:00.000-04:00

Well, I counted my last blogging and I think I managed to use the F word atleast 7 times. Nice language huh?
Can you tell I had/have PMS, lovely huh?
Feeling much better this morning. My best friend meant well. I know this. We've been friends for 20 years. But, sometimes I just don't understand why people insist on giving assvice? Why?
I guess you don't realize the situation a person is in until you have walked in their shoes. Which I noticed myself giving assvice with another friend. I did not even realize I was doing this. I can't believe me? I'M GUILTY? Yes, I'm afraid I am.
My dear friend is single and she's 33. She has never been married and doesn't have children. She has a wonderful career but when it comes down to the man department she has had no luck whatsoever. So, I constantly try to set her up with every single, good-looking, winner- type man, that walks through my salon doors.
After the last blind date, she told me she was okay on the dating situation and didn't want to be hooked up again. I must admit, I might have hooked her up with a guy that hasn't retired his player belt yet. But, damn, I guess I feel since I'm happily married everyone else should be also.
So, last night it just kind of hit me. What I'm doing to my friend M is no worse than what all the ferties do to me. They are giving assvice and soliciting unwanted help.
I must stop my own madness!
Poor M, I now wonder why she even bothers with me. She comes Saturday to get her color and I must admit. I had a very interesting prospect to set her up with. But NO, I must change my evil ways. I will not do it unless she ask!

I'm so ...

2005-10-25T18:45:00.000-04:00

G-d, I don't even know how to describe how I feel at this moment. ANGRY! Very angry and pissed. Why is it that ferties are so oblivious to what comes out of their mouths? WHY?
My best friend calls me today to tell me I should try this certain IVF clinic because her sister works with a girl who used it and got pregnant on the first try.
She then proceeds to tell me the name of the clinic.
I then tell her that's my old clinic.
"Are you sure?" Then she spells the name of the clinic out and tells me the city and state that it's located in.
I tell her yes, I'm sure.
But here's what I really wanted to fucking say:
"Yes I'm sure, you stupid fucking bitch!"
"I'm 100 percent fucking sure, I've only had surgery to remove my last tube by the RE at this clinic." "Do you not remember my last ectopic, or are you sure you were listening when I was crying on your fucking shoulder?"
"I've wrote countless checks out for the money spent for the surgery, ER, ET, ICSI, fertility drugs, and let's not forget all the other bullshit that goes along with the IVF process."
"Yes, I'm soooo sure!"
"I believe I am well aware of the state that I was in when they took a huge fucking needle and pierced through my uterus to retrieve my shitty eggs because I had to drive 3 fucking hours to get there and then spend the night."
"Once again, are you sure you were listening to me when I told you about all of this ?"
"Yes, I fully aware of where the clinic is!" I've made countless fucking trips there for all of the many, many, appointments!"
"Now please don't tell me about anymore fucking fairyland clinics that I need to try because I'm on my fucking third now."

Sometimes I just wish I would speak my mind.
Boy, am I in a mood today or what?

The hardest moment ever...

2005-10-19T08:17:00.000-04:00

I don't know why I'm thinking about one of my m/c's at the moment. I think because I was reading about someone who recently had a m/c and my heart is breaking for her. I can relate to the feelings of utter despair.
My IF has sucked the life out of my marriage. Don't get me wrong 95 percent of the time I'm happy with my marriage. But, you know that lovely honeymoon period most couple get to live? Well, I had mine yanked out from under my feet. It's just not fair. Maybe I'm throwing a little pity party for myself. I normally don't try to focus on the crappy points in my life. But, it just hit me for some reason this morning.
I remember before we got married how excited I was. I was also stressed out with the wedding plans. But, I was so happy. I was so excited about finally being with someone who I really wanted to be with for the rest of my life. I remember my wedding night and thinking how different things felt for Brian and I. Like we had this new bond. I just felt so much closer to him.
I remember leaving in the morning for Cancun. I also remember how ill/hungover Brian was. I remember the flight over. It was a beautiful day. No clouds anywhere.
I remember feeling so close to my husband and so in love. I remember the sex. Yes, sex! Lots of it and really good sex. Something we don't have a lot of these days.
I remember returning from our honeymoon and just feeling so connected and so in love.
Then I remember getting sick....
Then the hpt's.
The happiness of utter joy for 2.5 seconds that I was maybe really pregnant.
Of course then the blood started.
Then the D and C that was not needed.
Then the methotrexate shots.
Oh yeah and the blood drawls.. the many, many, blood drawls.
I remember coming home from shot number 2 and feeling like my whole universe just got turned upside down.
I remember feeling all the happiness and joy just drain out of me. Like someone just reached in my chest and ripped my heart out.
Life is so unfair sometimes.
Why do I and other women try so hard to conceive and there are crackheads out there getting pregnant a drop of a hat. WHY?
Am I always going to be this bitter?
I've did a lot of soul searching. Really, I have. I still don't understand.
I just know that IF SUCKS. I know I've probably said this a thousand times.
There are no other words to describe it.
It steals all joy and happiness that exist.
It stole my honeymoon period and I want it back dammit!
It has also in return for happiness handed over grief and worry.
Do you really think if I ever do get pregnant through IVF that I will be normal and not worry the whole time?
I seriously doubt it.
And these people who are all about staying positive! FUCK'em. That's what I say.
You deal with all the shit I have and then let me tell you a positive attitude will get you farther.
That's horse shit!
There is no way possiable to see a silver linning when you've had the bowels of hell dropped on you time after time.
Do you not agree?

November the 8th

2005-10-17T10:28:00.000-04:00

Nov. the 8th is when I have a consult with my new RE. This is RE number 3 now. We are trying to get into a shared risk program due to the fact that all IVF expenses for us are out of pocket.
The program, if I am accepted, covers 3 fresh cycles and 3 fet cycles. If I am lucky enough to have any frozen embryos left.
If I do not achieve a pregnancy lasting over 26 weeks within the 6 cycles. They will refund the money.
I like to say that I'm excited. But, I'm not. The amount of money that we are going to have to spend makes me frantic.
At this point, I don't know if I'm ready to take on another huge debt.
We have spent well over 30 thousand for all of my previous IVF attempts. With nothing to show. Atleast, if I do stay in failureland, I will receive some money back this go around.

Upside fucking down...

2005-10-11T11:08:00.000-04:00

In one blink of an eye, my life goes from stressful to super fucking stressful?
Why is that? Just when you think things couldn't get any worse, hold on wait a minute. We need to see if you can handle any more drama?
I drafted "Nothing to Blog About" last week and just posted it today.
Well, news flash update..
Last Thursday my brother was booted out of REHAB. due to the fact that one of the residents under him had pot on campus and my brother didn't rat him out. My brother proclaims he was not aware that the resident had pot on campus, but who knows? My brother was drug tested twice and passed both test. So, I believe in my heart he didn't use anything. The director of the facility he was in recommended him to another treatment facility.
He left yesterday for the other treatment facility and it was a very painful goodbye. I have not seen him since last January. For him to leave again, knowing it will be another year before I see him, breaks my heart in a million pieces. His daughter will be 4 the next time he sees her.
I know that he needs this program. As he told me he is just not strong enough yet.
But, it still hurts....
I can not relate to his addiction(unless you include IVF drugs) but I have struggled with him through it. It's been a huge emotional battle. I'm so proud that he finally has accepted the fact that he knows that he is an addict. But, it still hurts that he has missed out on so much.
I didn't make the attorney appointment yesterday.
I was too drained from having my brother, niece, and mother at my house for 4 days straight.
It's definitely been one hell of a week!

Nothing to blog about...

2005-10-04T23:03:00.000-04:00

Except what I need to blog about and I can't... I can't talk about a horrible situation going on in my life right now and I want too.
Fuck it.. I can always delete!
I don't want to be the desperate infertile woman...
My sister in law has had various things happening in her life. Okay, she caught a marijuana charge, parrafenal(spelling?) charge, and open container charge on Sunday when her daughter was in my care. She's living with a hoodlum, and has no car. Nice hoodlum live in boyfriend wrecked it. She has assault on a female charges pending on her(because she smashed a beer bottle over a girl's head at a bar) and she has no job. She had seizures two weeks ago from a anti-depressant she was on. And she has witnessed a double homicide(drug deal gone really fucking bad) several years ago when my brother and her were separated.
Not that I can say my brother is/was a saint. He's a crack/cocaine/pill/ weed whatever he could get his hands on addict. He's been in rehab. for almost a year now... He's got another year or two to go. He could walk out anytime so I know in my heart he is seriously trying his best.
Here's my situation. My niece is in a seriously fucked up situation. This child I feel if she stays in the environment she is in will be totally screwed. It literally makes me sick to my stomach to think of this little girl living in this type of shit!
I have a good friend who is an attorney that just happens deal with custody issues. He's more than happy to help me fight for this little one.
I have the blessings of my brother and my family to fight for her. But, this is where it gets shitty. If I loose, I could really loose. I mean I could risk possibly not seeing this child or her being a part of her life.
I don't want to do this for my own reasons. But, it literally breaks my heart because this child deserves much better.
I have so much shit on sister in law, it's unreal... Social services has already been called on sil twice. She managed to pass a drug test, how? Who knows....
I'm thoroughly confused as to where to proceed. I'm dammed if I do, and damned if I don't.
I talk to my attorney friend on Monday to see what options I have.
The thought of never seeing this child literally petrifies me. Also, the thought of having to battle things out in court aren't to appealing either.
I have squeaky clean record and so does Brian. I just know the fact that I'm infertile will become an issue at some point. I discussed that with B tonight. But, if the whole story comes out, it will really be clear that I'm not a mad woman trying to kid snatch. I'm a very sad scared Aunt that loves my niece and only wants what is best for her.

2005-10-02T13:49:00.001-04:00

So, I've had a very nice weekend. I've had my niece since Saturday after work and she is a complete angel. She turned 3 in June and I never thought Trinity would be potty trained. Sure enough I bought her some big girl Dora The Explorer panties yesterday and she has had not one accident. While I'm happy that she is finally trained. It's also very sad as she is no longer a baby, she's now entered the big girl world....
Of course since I don't have children I have had Trinity almost every weekend since she was born. To me she may be the only child I ever have. I have stated this before, I don't know if I could ever love anything as much as that little one. She is the sweetest little girl, and so well behaved. Smart as a whip also.
She's totally in-love with Brian. Or course my husband has taught her several things that totally drive me bonkers. For instance, "NASCAR WOHOO!" And he also has her saying. "I'm Uncle Brian's little redneck!" Not cute at all, but sometimes I can't help but laugh.
We've had some extremely good news also this week. My husband has received another raise. So in the matter of 3 months his pay has increased quite a lot. His truck will be paid off this May, and we figure by May or maybe sooner we will be able to enter the shared risk program if I am accepted. I'm so happy, and ready to get the ball rolling again with cycling. So, I guess in the next few months I will schedule a consult to try to get into the program. We shall see.........

Where Do I Start

2005-09-28T09:18:00.000-04:00

Let's start with a follow up on B. My husband just realized 2 days later that he was in the "doghouse" so to speak. The man rarely cooks, last night I came home to a nice dinner prepared by him. Followed by him taken care of clean up duty. I guess he realized that he needs to get out of the doghouse.
I was bitching about how he has PMS and I knew my period was coming. Which it did. So, really I guess my patience have been somewhat short this week and I might have took some of B's comments to me out of line. Which is quite the norm for me if I am battling PMS.
So, just got off the phone with my mother and we were discussing the shared risk. Well, that's the last of the IVF conversations with her. She doesn't think it's a very good idea. Which I then stated, "Mother you don't understand the feelings of being childless?" She told me she does. Okay, how does she understand when she has 2 children? She freaking can't. Yes, she may understand my pain of being childless but as far as her actually experiencing it she can't. I think she thinks I'm crazy. She doesn't understand....
I love her but I will no longer discuss my IF with her. I cut her out of the loop with my last cycle so it looks like she's back out. I know where she stands on the situation so I'll let it rest.
Can someone please invent a money tree? Pretty please? That way I could water it and pluck the money from the tree for a cycle.
My mother did make one good point which I've stated in my confused state of not knowing where to proceed.
Kim, you'll know what do in time.
Well, time is ticking and I'll still stumped.

The Silence Was Broken

2005-09-26T21:17:00.000-04:00

Okay, I've had enough of Brian being Mr. Joe Cool about the baby situation. I decided today it was time to break the silence.
Me-"Dear, I think I want to cycle again? Do you remember me mentioning the shared risk program?"
B- "Yes dear, do whatever you want to do. But, I'm really busy at work, can we talk about it when I get home?"
ME- "I understand, okay!" "Do you rem..." That's all I got out and I got dropped by my cell phone.
So B gets home and we discuss cycling, which immediately ends up in an argument.
B- "We'll take out a home equity dear, it's no problem.
Me- "Why don't we just refinance?"
Well, that was about all I got out of that conversation also. "DO whatever the fuck you want Kim, your going to do it your way anyway." Can you believe he said that shit? What an ASSHOLE! I swear he has PMS!
Which highly pissed me off may I add. I was just suggesting other ways and he goes all to hell.
Like I want to cycle again, I'm not even shooting up yet and we are arguing.
If it was up to me I would just adopt and be done with this shit. Why can't we just be on the same freaking page for once in our lives.
What makes me so angry is the fact that after the first failed IVF and all the surgeries, he was the one all about adopting. "I don't want you to go through anymore hell!" That was what he said. But, now it's like keep cycling. WTF?
So, now I'm pissed off for him snapping at me which has lead to another silent evening.

Do you see why I wait?

20 years later....

2005-09-23T09:30:00.000-04:00

So, my computer crashes and I've been offline for quite a while. It's nice to be back. Finally... I forgot my password to blogger so I also couldn't acess my blog. It's amazing how soon I forget my passwords to everything. You'ld think I would use the same password for all my various accounts. But NO, I have to switch things up and get myself totally confused.
Dazed and confused is nothing new for me.
So my decision to cycle or adopt hasn't really changed much.
Like everything else I'm confused and don't know what to do. I guess just wait around for the lighting bolt to strike and let me know what to do.
This is a pretty shity state for me. Atleast, between my longs waits to cycle I knew what the next step was. I know nothing at this point.
Brian hasn't really stepped up and pushed the topics either. It's just kind of unspoken around here.
Who the fuck knows?

I'm Confused

2005-08-31T22:22:00.000-04:00

Imagine that! I'm lost and I don't know where to turn. Okay, I'm childless and I'm really fucking sick of it. I have a nice little wine buzz to so bear with me.
I don't know if I should adopt or do a shared risk cycle? And I can't seem to focus on anything right now. I've half ass called about the shared risk. Of course messages were returned while I was at work. I've read the websites of several clinics in the area that offer the shared risk. But, really. Is is worth it? Yes, I could get some of the money back for the cycles if they don't work and I'm sure they won't. But, do I want to subject myself to more IF treatments? I mean there comes a point when enough is enough.
All the losses and now the treatments. Most people that I know wonder how I keep forward with treatments? Well, I guess they don't understand the feelings of never having a family. I love children. I mean my mother sent me a Birthday card and it starts off- Daughter, blah, blah, blah. The first thought that comes to my head as I read it was. I'll never have a son/daughter to send a card to. It's just sad. I want a family. My husband would be the world's best father. He's wonderful. He's amazing with children. Chessus, he coached little league football for 12 years. Up until last year when our IF started to take it's toll. And Trinity(my niece) worships the ground he walks on.
Who knows I'm rambling and have had one too many glasses of wine. I guess I'll figure it out sooner or later. Just letting the eggs mature a little more. They were shitty at 28, which was 4 years ago. To bad they can't be like wine. Just get better with age!

Beta less than 2

2005-08-30T21:11:00.000-04:00

Didn't expect it to be much higher. I'm actually holding up good. I really didn't think that my Lone Ranger would make it after putting some many embryos back with my previous transfers.

So as far as plan B's. Here's my thoughts during the past couple of days.
1- Need a little bit of a break, they are always so nice after negatives..
2- Don't know whether I should purse adoption or hat trick another cycle.
3- If I do cycle again, need to research a clinic that does the shared risk. 3 cycles for one lump price and money returned if it doesn't work.
4- Problem with that might be my FSH. I'm sure it's close to 10 and might not meet the requirements of a shared risk criteria.
5- Move on, forget IVF and move forward with adoption.
6- Nice tax credit with adoption.
7- Finish this nice bottle of red that I am on and forgot for 2.5 second that I'm infertile.

So tonight I will focus on #7, cheers!

So beta results from Friday...

2005-08-28T20:03:00.000-04:00

A big huge whooping 3. Yes folks a 3. My p-4 was a 25. So, that was good to see. My nurse said I can't officially tell you are pregnant, but I can't tell you that you aren't either. It's okay. I've come to terms with this not working. I figure this might be a chemical.
But for me this is kind of reassuring if it is a chemical. Because at least I know that that the 30 something thousand dollars that we have spent has got me somewhere. A chemical. I was beginning to think my uterus was the black hole that ate embryos or something.
My birthday turned out to be much better than expected. My husband gave me a gift card to Best Buy because I've been bitching that I wanted a new camera, laptop. It's not enough for a laptop but I could get a really nice camera. He also sent me flowers. I'm such a drama queen. Nice hormones thank you.
I have another beta on Tuesday. We shall see. If it hasn't went up then it's watch out Mr. Wine Cooler. I bought 13 bottles of wine at the winery when were in the mountains this weekend.
My best friend had a little get together with another couple at her mother's mountain house for my birthday. It was so relaxing. Imagine a nice A frame house on about 20 acres of land with a pond to one side of it and a creek running though the property. A porch that wraps all the way around the house. Beautiful.... You can hear only nature.
I need that freaking house for the whole 2ww. It completely took my mind off everything being around people all weekend. Just what I needed!

What Was I Thinking?

2005-08-26T07:47:00.000-04:00

I mean really, wtf was I thinking? Doing a beta on my birthday. Something is seriously wrong with me.
I'm going in for beta in about 30 minutes and today is my birthday.
I'm not feeling this FET worked, and it's really to freaking much. I mean I guess this is it. I don't want to go through these feelings anymore. I'm ready to move past IVF. I hate IVF! I hate waiting and I hate Birthdays.
I also hate my husband right now...
I had a card laying on the kitchen table. A fucking card. A stupid card at that and it wasn't even a Hallmark. If he thinks he's getting off with a card he's in deep shit.
Especially after his major purchase of a 5,000 dollar freaking lawnmower that we didn't really dicuss. You get a lawnmower for what? And I get a pitiful card for my Birthday. That's just extremely wrong.
I am extremely ill this morning and I'm debating if I should publish this. I feel like a monster! If the freaking beta is not over 5, I'm ditching these meds.

Self Torture and Sad Discoveries

2005-08-24T21:09:00.000-04:00

I just read the most amazing birth story tonight. I'm still crying. I think I have cried every freaking night this week. I was on a board with about 10 women with my last IVF cycle. I think it was a cycle thread, hell, I don't remember? All I know is everyone on that thread got pregnant except me and another woman.
One of the girls I've kind of followed. Even though all the preggers dumped the thread and moved on. I still read stuff she would post. She delivered 3 weeks early on the 8th and just posted her birth story. It was very emotional for me to read it. I don't know why I torture myself with even reading those things. Not that birth stories bother me. But, birth stories when I would be due if my IVF would have worked are sometimes a little hard. I think I like to torture myself at times...

I also just realized today, this is when I had my last ectopic. I got pregnant this week/time frame last year. WTF? I didn't even realize I was doing this FET during the same time frames until one of clients came in today. She's 6 weeks along and went for her u/s on Monday and didn't get a heartbeat. She hasn't told anyone she was pregnant and actually thought she was 8 weeks along. She goes in next week for another u/s. She's the one who reminded me that we were both pregnant last year around this time. She had a m/c last year around 8 weeks and I had an ectopic. So strange how time flies...

So, here I am in the freaking 7/11 day wait. Yes, I don't have a 2ww. I have a 7 day wait and a test again on day 11! Wtf? I didn't even realize I was 7/11 until I just typed it. As I was saying, here I am. Would almost be due within the next few weeks if my last IVF would have worked. Plus, thinking about my last ectopic. Plus, in the 7/11 day wait. Is this all not messed up or what? Once again the self torturing thoughts are in play...

To top it all off! My RE's clinic calls me today at work to see "How I was holding up during the wait?" When did they start calling to check in on me? This is new. Don't get me wrong. My RE's staff is top notch when it comes to getting it. I love these ladies. Very compassionate and they actually give a shit. You're not a number you're a person! The phone call kind took me off guard. I thought lady you really don't want me to dump on you. Plus I'm at work trying to be incognito about my FET so I really couldn't go into details. It was a nice call though...

2005-08-23T21:40:00.000-04:00

Okay, I'm like really tired this evening. First day back to work and I ended up working 9 and a half hours. I'm glad I'm back because it makes the day go by much quicker. But working that long was a bit much.
So, I checked my boards that I post on daily. When I got home this evening they were overwhelmed with crappy news today. Very sad. For those of you who had bad news today. Know that I'm thinking and praying for some good news for all of you. It's almost too much. The shit we go through to try to get pregnant with number one. Then I read several sad news postings as I did today and it literally breaks my heart. I don't understand this universe sometimes....
On another note, my husband has lost his freaking mind. I thought I turned him into a vet at this whole IVF saga. Obviously I was wrong. I come home from work this evening and I get this comment from him.
"Honey, I think it worked this time, for the past 3 days at 4:30 in the afternoon I've been getting nauseous."
WTF?
I can't even believe that came out of his mouth. I just looked at him and said, "That's nice honey."

Feeling Somewhat Better

2005-08-22T08:47:00.000-04:00

Well, I had a really good cry last night. The last episode of 6 Feet Under didn't help the crying part out. I think I just needed to get it all out.
I'm getting out of this God Forsaken house today! I have a ton of errands to run for the house and the salon. So, hopefully that will take my mind off things.
No symptoms really. My back is sore, some on and off cramps(not bad cramps), and very freaking emotional. But that's about it. Thanks PIO!
I called my RE this morning to make sure they got the orders faxed over to my Ob/Gyn today for my beta, progestrone and estrogen check on Friday. She was like have you HPTed yet? What? I don't think the little sucker has even implanted yet! I had explain to her that I'm only like 3 days past transfer. Not good for a nurse to tell a fellow peestick addict to hpt. I've decided I'm not going to HPT this go around.
One- They are doing a beta at 7dp
Two- Sick of wasting the money
For me this is miraculous...

I'm really pure evil

2005-08-20T16:46:00.000-04:00

So the thaw didn't go so well, we lost 2 of the embryo's. I guess I should be thankful that I got to transfer one. It was an 8 cell no fragmentation.
I feel horrible. I'm evil, bitchy, grouchy, and sick of IVF. I just want to be pregnant.
My husband is on a huge job today. He got called into to work, and I have argued with him off and on all day.
I've cried and I hate myself.
I hate the 2ww. I hate it.
Right now I feel like smoking a whole pack of cigarettes and getting drunk. Which I know I can't do, but something to help this pathetic mood. I can't stand myself right now. I just want to flash forward and be out of this whole wait. The 2ww is so freaking hard.
I don't want to talk to friends, family members, or be around anyone. I just want to be alone so I can sulk in my misery.
I really should get a grip and get over it!
Then to top if off some stupid fucker has posted a comment on my blog and I don't know how to erase it?
Any mind telling me, I would greatly appreciate it!

Nervous City

2005-08-18T07:38:00.000-04:00

Okay, this is totally ridiculous! I told myself I wasn't going to get like this.
I couldn't sleep at all last night people. 4 hours of sleep. Now, I have to go to work and I feel like a freaking zombie.
They are thawing my embryos this morning. I guess that's why I'm such a wreck.
Chessus, I want this to work. I'm out of IVF money. I guess this is it! I have no back up but to eventually move on to adoption. Though if this is a negative. I might take another 6 month break.
I hate this feeling, where you have no fucking control over things. I was very grouchy last night. I hate being a freaking bitch too. I bit my poor husband's head off all night. I am normally not like that at all.
I guess I'm stressed, worried, medicated, and now tired.
Do you know what really amazes me? How freaking nosy people are. I had a full day on my books for Saturday. Clients back to back.
Well, it hit me if transfer is Friday! My RE normally wants you to relax and refrain from physical activity for 48 hours. So, I called my RE and told them that I forgot how long they wanted me to take it easy. Would it be okay if I worked Saturday? I was told NO! I mean doing hair is not really physical, but if you are booked all day it does get tuff from standing all day. I have a shampoo girl who helps but she can't do my clients.
So, I call my clients to reschedule their appointments for Saturday(hate doing this). I tell them that I have to have a little medical procedure( I mention nothing of the FET) done on Friday and my Dr. doesn't want me to work Saturday. Every freaking one of my clients asked, "What are you having done?" I wanted to say, "If I wanted you to know I would have told you." But, I tell them just something simple! "When do you want to reschedule you nosy fuckers?" Well, I didn't use fuckers but I felt like it! Do I ask clients nosy questions? Hell no! I feel if they want to tell me they will. I don't pry. What is it with people?
Brian and I leave for TN tonight. We decided to stay Friday night too. That way after transfer I can just go back to the room and chill. We won't have to ride on curvy/bumpy roads for 2 and a half hours.
I don't have a lap top so I will not have a way to check my boards or my blog. I will be totally crazy without internet! I might have to go purchase a laptop this afternoon.
Well, this is it!
Farewell my friends, I shall return Saturday. Hopefully, with 3 nice grade embryos in me that will stick around.

I look like a blown up fatass!

2005-08-16T19:43:00.000-04:00

It's kind of sad, I mean I look pregnant from the drugs... Thank you so much estrace, prednisone, and progestrone. Such lovely little drugs. In both my IVF cycles, I have never looked this blown up.
I had to go purchase some fat clothes today. Pathetic huh?
So, the self- injecting PIO is going off without a hitch.
Things are moving right along. Transfer is at 11:00 am on Friday.
Brian and I will leave Thursday evening for the hotel, as it's a two and half hour drive to the hospital/clinic where transfer takes place. Not looking forward to that. But, the hotel is sweet, I also get a discount because my clinic has a deal with the hotel. To bad my clinic doesn't give discounts out to the multiple failed cyclers or how about negative, bad attitude, cyclers? I would probably qualify for a free cycle with but of those under my belt!

Thank You

2005-08-15T11:11:00.000-04:00

So, the initial shock of the death of our friend/family member has eased up somewhat.
Thank you so much everyone for everyone's responses.
While I have kept this FET so quiet, my father did not realize my transfer is Friday. When I spoke to him last night, he told me that I need to go through with this. To not worry. Dan would want it this way. Which he would! He actually told me that maybe Dan is watching out and can somehow make this work for once!
My heart breaks for my father as he has lived with this man for over 21 years.
My husband and I talked about taking some time off work. I think we are going to plan a trip maybe over my father's birthday which will be Sept. the 10th. I need the time off work, and I can also help my father.
Thanks again to all.

Swoop....

2005-08-14T08:27:00.000-04:00

I guess I spoke to soon with yesterday's bloggings. My roller coaster just took off down hill, onceafuckingin!
My father's best friend passed away last night. My transfer is in 5 days.
Can I pull off a funeral 900 miles away and still a make it to transfer? Or do I send flowers and be the world's worst daughter and not be there for my father? And not pay my respects to someone who was like my freaking Uncle?
For once in my life, I'm speechless.
I don't know what the fuck to do?

Listening to the clicks...

2005-08-13T18:49:00.000-04:00

I feel like at this point in my life I am thankful for a lot of what I have. I tend to forget about how fortunate I am at times. I am very happy 90 percent of the time.
Life's good!
I could travel a little(a lot) more but I love my life. I really do. I can't complain. If I would die tomorrow, I would know I have had a very nice life. Not saying I'm ready for to be over. Because I'm not! But, I have a nice house, nice vehicles, and a successful business(though it could be more lucrative at times).
I am blessed with a stong, caring, husband. Lord knows, anytime you go through IVF it will test the stongest marriages!
I can remember our first cycle...
I was 29 and I thought, what the fuck is going on? It was a very rough time for us. I mean we had some really bad arguments. It's not only hard on women, it's no cakewalk on the your partner either. But eventually it makes you stronger as a couple! Or it has with us.
It killed my husband to try to give me shots. He would get dizzy and weak(he still does). For Brian to give a IM shot I have to beg or raise total hell.
Me: Please honey, the shots don't hurt and it's even harder for me to do it.
Him: Call my Daddy honey, you know I can't do it!
Me: Walking in with the shot already mixed.
Him: Fuck honey!
Me: You can do this dear, it doesn't hurt. Please.
Him: Honey please don't make me.
Me: Sick of begging, pulling my pants down cleaning the area. Sticking my ass in his face.
Him: Dammit Kim!
Me: Noticing sweat on his forehead.
Him: Okay, I'll try! hands now shaking
Me: Just fucking do it! Here, I'll give you one so you'll see they don't hurt!
Him: HELL NO, you won't!
He just can't handle the shots. I tell him it doesn't hurt but he knows sometimes they don't feel the best. So, when he turns pale(this is my sign)! Okay, I won't push it any farther. I'll self inject!
I guess our marriage was tested from the beginning. A month after our honeymoon we were dealing with a d&c, which was a miss diagnosed ectopic.
A year later another ectopic and surgery for it.
6 months later it was on to IVF cycle number one! Which failed and our second wedding anniversary was 2 days later!
Started IVF cycle 2, five months later, with a new RE. Had to stop the cycle during the lupron phase. Then ended up gettig pregnant(ectopic again) during the lupron. Had surgery to remove my last tube and the ectopic. Waited 2 months to cycle again and thought..
This it it?
This IVF cycle is going to work. My tubes are gone, I'm with a much better group of RE's. I just needed another try. It was shitty clinic number 1's fault and this time I'll make it work! So at this point, we had only been married for a little over 2 years.
Isn't this what all honeymooners do?
This is where my control freak nature kicks in!
For my next cycle I'll visualize dammit, I'll do acupuncture, I'll pray more, I won't use the patch, I'll just quit smoking.
I'll take all the right vitamins, I'll eat pineapple(I know trust me).
I'll take off work around cycle time and yes, I'll relax(I know again).
I'll stay positive(puke).
I'll eat very healthy and no more junk food. I'll drink in moderation and not during any during the cycle.
So what did I get with that cycle?
Some better quality embryo's, a nervous breakdown at 6 days past transfer, and a big fucking negative cycle.
You can't control IVF!
I mean the embryo quality was much, much, better! But, that could be because I was with a more successful clinic/lab! I like to think I had a lot to do with that because of contol factor stated above. But, who knows?
Like I said, you can't control IVF.
So, what I'm basically trying to say is,
I can hear the clicking...
You all know the sound. It's the ride of IVF.
The roller coaster part of it.
Right now my ride is going up the hill clicking every so slowly(thanks FET).
I'm happy right now.
The estrogen is agreeing with me.
I've quit smoking,
I've exercised.
I'm eating half-ass nutrious.
I've enjoyed a glass of wine now and then.
I'm not stressed as much because it's easier(thanks again FET).
I've also told far less people about it!(like hardly no one)
But, the drop always comes, it hasn't failed me yet!
I know what to expect with the drop and I don't like it! I actually hate the fucking scary swoop!
I mean I really want this to work, I'm hoping. I hate that too.
I feel 85 percent sure this isn't going to work.
I'm trying to stay real about things to prevent the crash.
But, dammit I want it to work...
I don't want my roller coaster to crash because my ride has been nice lately!
I guess what sucks is I don't know what to expect if this doesn't work.
I mean I do, but I don't!
I have a my back up plan, but then again I don't!
The nice thing about IF,
Somedays when you're least expecting it.
Watch the fuck out! Here come's the swoop down hill.
It sucks and the shitty thing about it is...
You never know when the lows are going to be really low.
Click, click, click..

Goodbye Mr. Coffee

2005-08-13T08:42:00.000-04:00

Parting with you is such sweet sorrow. How will I exist without the pep you put into my step each morning?
I'm a total Java Head, so this is yet another vice I have to let go of.
Farwell my friend, though I'm sure it won't be for long. But, in my heart I pray it's for a good long while.
So, today will be the last day of my coffee. I normally have one to two cups in the moring to get me up and going.
Though I don't drink any other drinks with caffiene in them.
Goodbye, my creamy friend....

So This Is It?

2005-08-11T22:36:00.000-04:00

Only 2 appointments with the wand? That's all I get? I feel used!
I was ten minutes late for my appointment this morning. Thanks asshole husband for forgetting to reset the alarm.
I was greeted and wheeled straight back to the blood drawl room, and then hustled over to the wand room.
Lining is at a 9.
After wand room, it was discussion time with the RE, and then off to chat with the nurse. I needed a quick update on PIO, since I used Crinone with my last cycle. I forgot which gage needle I use to inject the hell oil with. Praying that the PIO doesn't cause the rash/hives/allergic reaction that I had the first go around.
Transfer is set for next Friday, the 19th.
I will find the time out this Wednesday.
Hell oil starts on Monday along with the prednisone. I'm already bloated from the estrogen, I'm sure I'll look lovely by transfer date. Happy Birthday to me, I gained 10 pounds for my birthday.
Thanks IF treatments...
So, all that's left for me to obsess about now is the thaw process. Praying those 3 guys make it through. Not that it matters, but I can always hope just a little.
So, I guess this is it!

Can I wear a skirt and skip the panties?

2005-08-10T19:05:00.000-04:00

I know how trashy that is but really, I just want to jump up on the freaking table at the RE's tomorrow morning and skip all the bullshit of changing and putting that damn sheet thingy that always rips around you. Always leaves the ass nice and exposed too. That way the couchie cam can go in, see if the lining is plumping up, and be done with it.
Oh the joys of IF...
Not to mention the 1 and a half drive up there and then the drive back. And then straight to work. Fun, fun here I come.
I've noticed a little bloat action going on too. I stepped on the scales this morning, not a good thing. I'm up about five pounds but haven't really been eating much more than normal. Who knows? First time on estrace for me so I have no idea what the fuck is going on.
Will update lining progress tomorrow evening.

Flying By

2005-08-09T09:15:00.000-04:00

So, today is day 5 of estrace and strangely no side effects kicking around. My next scan is thursday and this is flying by for me. A FET is much, much, easier than a fresh cycle. I mean I knew it was going to be easier, anytime there's no needles involved through the whole process, or no needles going through your uterus to retrieve eggs is a very good thing.

So, if I ever cycle again, I'm going to ask my RE to overstim me. If that's possible. First IVF, low dose of stims, five eggs, and three were mature. Second IVF almost max stims, 7 eggs, five were mature. So, if I go to the max amount of stims maybe I'll get 7 mature eggs.

Okay, look at me talking about cycling again. I have no idea where I'll get the money. Maybe from the tree growing in the back yard. Everyone has a money tree don't they?

Forgot to mention that my mother was in this weekend. They found a house in SC. She will be 2 hours away now. So, that will be nice. We had a really nice and civil discussion about some of our issues and I feel much better.
I think my mother caught my PMS wrath this month instead of my husband....

Green Light GO!

2005-08-05T13:22:00.000-04:00

So all is good. This morning's appointment with the wand went well. My lining is nice and thin, no cysts, and the bloodwork should be in this afternoon. They said no news is good news. I was giving a prescription for Estrace and told to take 2 a day until Monday. Then I start 3 a day.
Next appointment is Thursday at 10am.
My nurse asked as she was drawing my blood, " Are you excited?" Well, to tell you the truth not really. I told her this had been a very long road, and I've learned it's not fun to get your hopes up. The crash is too damn hard to handle. She didn't comment back and looked kind of saddened for me.
This feels totally weird. Like I am just doing nothing. I guess when the PIO starts, I'll feel a little better. I think I could get use to FET's. Too bad I might not ever cycle again.
This is kind of sad, I was thinking about this during my long drive back from the RE's. This is it. If this doesn't work, it's going to be some serious time before I can afford or attempt to cycle again. Plus, I feel like we have already sunk so much money in the efforts already, what is the point to really break the bank? Not that there is a whole lot left in the bank. But, to have nothing to show for it but a lot of heartache is getting old.
Yes, I want a child, but I really want to be able to afford the child when it arrives. I don't see another cycle this year. That's for sure. And I know with moving forward with the adoption process I won't feel like I'm dumping money on nothing. So if this cycle is a negative it might be a little tuffer than the last(if it can get worse). I know I should think positive, but after so many failures I can't!
Maybe when things get a little closer hope might set back in, but for now. I'll stick with the numbness and semi-excitement of this whole process. Hope sucks....

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING?

2005-08-04T11:11:00.000-04:00

What the hell? More Springer action around here. But, this isn't the funny kind of laugh your ass off Springer shit.

My father called this morning and his best friend is in a freaking coma. My father and this man have lived together for like 21 years. If you didn't know them and you were a guest for dinner you would think they were married. They act like it! But, my father has a long time girlfriend.

My father sounded way upset and said that he thought he would go before Dan(his friend). One- I really didn't want to hear that from my father. And two- If Dan passes I have to be there for my father. Plus, I have to pay my respects also. Dan has never missed any special occasion in my life. He was also the one who along with my father when I moved back down south as a teenager. Decided that I needed to go to college up north. I got college brochures for years after I moved back south. He even called me once and told me that he would pay for my college if I would move back home. Like I my father would have let him do that.

This man is like my Uncle. Oh this sucks! They think his liver is failing, his lungs are filling with fluid, and Dad said he is all yellow. I just talked to this man like 4 days ago trying to find my father and he said all was fine.
I can't believe this. Dan has been is a wheelchair for the past 10 years due to a serious fall at his job. So I guess a lot of paraplegics often get UTIs. The doctors are saying there are high amounts of ammonia is his blood. My father said he knew that Dan hasn't been feeling well and told him he needs to get checked for a UTI. They ended up admitting him to the hospital and now this?
I don't even know what to think. Looks like I might be heading back up North again. Cheesus, I pray this man pulls through!

AND THERE IS BLOOD PEOPLE

2005-08-03T23:44:00.000-04:00

Started my period today.... WOHOO and of course I was wearing white panties(brand new thongs at that).
Never freaking fails. New panties and here comes my period. Not that I'm complaining but I would have put the panties on Monday if I would have known that is all it took.
So, I have a nice appointment with the dildo cam Friday morning at 10:00 and let's not forget the vampires too.
Estimated transfer (if the embryos make it through the thaw) will be around the the 19th or 20th.
So here's the problem, my friend is throwing a big birthday bash for me at her parent's mountain house. Weekend of the 26th. Really looking forward to it. But, how do I explain the not drinking.
Humm..
And the second hand smoke is going to drive me nuts. I hate to say well... "Can't make it, you see, I'm in the middle of the 2 fucking week wait." Then everyone knows.
Crap!
Maybe I can just act like I'm drinking and flush the wine.... Any sugestions greatly appreciated?
Can RE's do beta's a 7 days past? I mean I could tell my RE we are going out of town for 2 weeks and I really need the beta! My clinic does beta at 10 days past anyway. What's 3 days early? I know what my RE will say, "Just hpt at 12 days past!"
FUCK...
I don't think I can figure out the win-win situation with this one.

Red Siren, Where art thou?

2005-08-03T08:21:00.000-04:00

So, last night when I got home from work. I started to have the worst cramps in the world. I was like "wohoo" this is it. My period is here. Go to the bathroom and nothing.
You know, I never noticed that I had pre-cramps before the actual cramps. I never really paid attention while waiting to start.
So, I've told no one about this FET, and it's going to be fun for me. If I feel I need to open my big mouth to friends about something I"ll talk about my not smoking.
Normally with past 2 IVF's I told everyone. I mean I could have literally hung a big banner from my house that said, Going through IVF!
But, with the FET it's became silence city. I even told my husband last night that he could tell his parents but, and I mean big huge but, if they don't hear any news it means it didn't work. Okay? We don't need a million phone calls on beta day asking why it didn't work. Yes, they called twice last beta day and asked why it didn't work! So basically no news is bad news. I just can't deal with everyone asking " So are you?" " Did it work?" This is the best " Well, why didn't it work? What's wrong with you?" FUCK IF I KNOW PEOPLE!
This is going to be a lot easier not telling. Because now if it's another negative. I don't have to explain to anyone. I'll lock myself in my bathroom and have my little mental break down on my own.(borrowed that from a friend)
But, please oh fertility gods, Can I just catch a break this time? I mean failed 2 IVF cycles and six losses. I need this!

A Friend Is Teasing

2005-07-30T11:12:00.000-04:00

Okay, why is it that when you are getting ready to undergo Art treatments it feels like an eternity waiting on your period? Any other time you could care less when it comes or if it even decides to show up.
I have had phantom cramps for the past two days. What's up with that? I'm not suppose to start my period until next Friday/Saturday. Of course, it would be so nice to start a week early. My period normally comes every 21 to 27 days. When I'm doing acupucnture it's 27 days on the dot. Down to the same starting hour each month also. Now that's freaky. But, I have only had one acupunture session this month. So, I doubt I'll be regular. More than likely with my luck, I'll be late!
Ready for the evil red bitch to show her face anytime now..
I'm ready to get this show on the road.

Sick Of The Heat

2005-07-29T11:30:00.000-04:00

What happened to this weather? Really missng the snow and cooler weather. I mentioned yesterday at work that I'm sick of this sticky, muggie, non-breathable heat. With the heat index it managed to reach 116 the other day. Supposedly our cold front came through. 91 yesterday people! That's not a cold front!
It's also less than five months until Christmas. Can you believe this? Another year has almost passed and still no child for Kim.
I am managing to deal with the fact that a genetic child just might not be in our future.
One nice thing about this year is no IF treatments over the holidays. That is unless I hit the jackpot or something. I'm ready for fall and winter. The heat this year is a bit much!

Ran Over

2005-07-27T11:18:00.000-04:00

Omg, let's just say I'm out of shape and this is pathetic! I worked out on Monday and I still can hardly move today. I have never ever been this sore from doing yoga! Ridiculous! My abs even hurt. I feel like I've been ran over by a Mack Truck. I know you are suposse to take a day off when you exercise, and that was yesterday. So, I really need to work out again today. I know it will help out with the soreness! Buy man ole man, I didn't realize what going 2 months without exercise will do to the ole body.
So, I took my patch off yesterday afternoon! Not that I meant too! It just kind of happened. I think I actually sweat it off. I was shopping and it was like a 106 outside. To freaking hot. When I got into the mall I noticed that it had slipped off. Well, after a good 2 hour shopping spree(oh the joys of shopping). I came home and fixed dinner. Went to bed and woke up this morning and was like. Holy crapola, I haven't had a patch on since 4:00pm yesterday and I haven't smoked! I think I'm making progress people. I'm still going to put my patch on today. Because of the times before I've tried to quit, I never really followed the program. And I still think of cigs. But, it's nothing like in the beginning. 2 weeks today of being smoke free. Not even a puff. You really have to want it to quit. The times before I think I was doing it just to get through my cycles. But, now I want it for myself.
Well, time for another round of exercise torture!

Cycle Buddy Fairy

2005-07-25T19:01:00.000-04:00

I think I'm the cycle buddy fairy at times..
Really first IVF, cycled with 3 women. Everyone got pregnant but me.
Second IVF, cycled with about 10 women and everyone got pregnant but me and another lady.
Which leads me to now. I am doing this FET with no one. I don't want to be a fucking cycle buddy. That way I might get the luck of the draw this go around. I don't want to support anyone cycling around my time either. Call me evil, but I don't give a fuck. It's my turn dammit!
Enough is enough, when is my ship going to arrive here people?
It's all about me!
Okay, I'll support a few but chez, am I ever going to catch a break?
And this rips my ass too...
I need to google this statistics, but on the "Other Board" that I lurk on.
What is it with everyone getting preggo on their first IVF?
Come on people,
It really doesn't work like that. Or maybe it does and I just have a fucked up uterus!

Well, I'm Back

2005-07-24T12:42:00.000-04:00

The Berkshires were beatuiful as usual, and dad is recovering well! Even though he insisited on riding his Harley Friday to pick up a prescription. I asked him what the hell did he think I was up in MA for? My health?
It was kinda of funny that we both were on the patch for smoking. Old habbits die hard. Very nice to be in my own bed last night.
FET is coming up sooner than expected..
While I'm ready to get the shit over with and move on.
I feel like I'm ready to prolong it another month.
My period should be coming in 2 weeks. Not really sure that I'm ready.
Damn, I'm so wishy-washy. I'm driving myself crazy.
Should I wait( something that I've become quite good at) or go for it!
Chessus, none of this is easy!
See, this is where things get tricky.
My best friend informs me over the phone last night that she has planned a party for my birthday at her parents mountain house.
Great, thank you!!!
My bad, I forgot that I will be in the mist of the wonderful 2ww! While the mountain house is the most relaxing place! How miserable is a birthday weekend with friends drinking in my honor, and me sipping on water and amped up on PIO and estrogen? What a bundle of joy I will be!
CHESSUS....
I think I have ruined every major holiday due to cycling.
Easter.... check
Christmas and New years... check-check
Now my birthday...check-check-check
Do I really want to do this? Fuck, I guess there really is no perfect timing.

Off To The Races

2005-07-18T12:39:00.000-04:00

Well, not the races, but off to see my sick father. He's in the hopital for pneumonia(sp)... So I will be flying out tomorrow morning to see him. I will be back Saturday.
I hate flying and my parents are really to far away. This shit sucks so bad.
Take care all and will update when I return.
Good luck to all my friends having scans, cycling, and not doing anything but waiting.
Love to all!

Support boards...

2005-07-16T01:15:00.000-04:00

Well, let's just say I'm bored and I've seen some shit tonight.
I guess I've been with the darkside for far to long. I have tremendous amounts of support from online friends at a certain board that I post on. They are for woman who experience IF and Ivf. These women are amazing. And most of them have been through the same tragic amounts of shit, while TTC.
I should write out some checks because to tell you the truth, they are my shrinks. Friends that I can vent to, be angry, cry, bitch, and lets not forget to mention..
Whine,
Yes whine, with my wine! And sometimes we whine online, with our wine in hand. A little of my poetic self shining through with that last sentence.
But, sometimes I lurk on other boards. And being bored tonight I wanted to be a little shit and stir things up on the other board. But, I didn't! The other board is just freakin to much. I use to frequent this other board back in the days before gloom and doom set in. It was always so "baby dusty". I really just want to go to other board tonight and post, WILL SOMEONE PLEASE,FOR THE LOVE OF CHEESUS,EXPLAIN BABYDUST??? What the fuck is it? And why do people say that? I was positive but never a duster.
I just don't get it at all?
Okay, I know it's Friday night and I'm that pathetic! I am sitting home crying in my beer about baby dust.
I'm just so thankful for my darksided friends.. and did I mention no cigs in 3 days? Incase anyone in cyber world cares!

Addiction

2005-07-14T19:03:00.000-04:00

2 days down and hopefully a zillion more to go with no cigs. I'm smelling much better and feeling much better, but I had to patch up to get me through the withdrawls. Hey, it's better than killing people or taking the withdrawls out on Brian! He's really put up with more than his share with me. So, I felt like going into a withdrawl rage on him might not be the best thing to do. I always seem to take my frustrations out on him! I'm really going to try not to go back to smoking if I do experience another negative cycle. I mean I really don't want to die of lung cancer or have to tote an oxygen tank around with me when I get older! So, this is it for me. I'm going to atleast try to keep that promise to myself. In my efforts to quit smoking I had to bypass my coffey this morning, which means I might need to bypass my beer/wine this evening.
So, my plan is to take the patch off in a week and go from there. Weather it works or not, we shall see.

So it just hit me...

2005-07-12T23:42:00.000-04:00

Yep, I believe I'm back on the cycle wagon. Not cycling yet, but all the fun bullshit that goes along with it is getting ready to kick back in gear.
1- Drinking in moderation(this one isn't so hard)
2- Quitting smoking!(this one is going to kill me)
3- No special cigarettes(easy)
4- Proper diet and exercise(not hard once I start)
5- Avoid medications for nerves(no xanax, easy enough)
6- My favorite of the above, start the acupuncture back up.

Okay, now I sound like a freakin junky. But, this IVF shit is no joke. I mean why shell out thousands of dollars to not try everything possible to get winning results? The grand BFP, and maybe I might be lucky enough for it to stick around. Yeah right, who am I fooling?
I think I just caught a glimpse this evening of Ms. Positive trying to return.
Really, not trying to get my hopes up for this FET, but I feel a certain amount of excitement creeping in. Just enough I guess to push me foward and move on to another cycle.
So, I really feel emotionally that the 3rd negative is going to be a lot harder than the 2nd and first. I mean I guess that's why I've prolonged this FET until forever. I thought maybe each negative would get easier. Of course, I don't think the ectopic between IVF cycle #1 and #2 helped out with the emotions of BFN #2. I actually did better with my last and final ectopic(emotionally) than I did with my 2nd BFN. Maybe because after 6 losses you just get immune to them. NO EMOTION with the last ectopic that's for sure. But, with the 2nd BFN I looked like a poster child for depression. Really, I had a nervous break down on poor Brian. But as always, I managed to scrape myself up and find a way to keep plugging along.
It all just sucks ya know.........

O.Q.S.

2005-07-12T19:02:00.000-04:00

Operation Quit Smoking is now in effect for the third time. So, here we go starting tomorrow. No patches this go around, nothing. COLD TURKEY BABY, I wouldn't want it any other way.
Mind you I might feel like killing people tomorrow but I can do this.
I will breath deeply and enjoy the nice air that is not feeled with nasty cancer causing chemicals......
Of course, tonight, I will drink beer and smoke the rest of the pack I have left.
Wish me luck,
I'm going need it!

NO SLEEP

2005-07-11T10:16:00.000-04:00

Saturday night I decided to keep my 3 year old niece all night. I adore this little girl. I don't know if I've blogged how much she means to me. But, she came at a time when I was having a really hard time. I think it was my 4th ectopic. So, she kind of just feeled some of the tiny holes in my heart.
Brian and I took her swimming at the in-laws, 3 hours in the pool and water-logged like a prune. It was fun though. Next, it was down to the barn to check out the horses. I was surprised that she was willing to touch them this time. Last time I took her near our horses you would have thought I introduced her to a new monster. They scared the shit out of her. This of course made my husband want to go purchase a pony for Trinity. We need a pony like we need a hole in our head...
The evening was spent grilling and playing and then bedtime rolled around...
Yes, this is where things fall apart. Trinity did not want to go to sleep, I tried everything. Finally, I just gave in and went to sleep with her! Miss Wiggle Worm laid there and wiggled for 2 hours straight. Let's not forget the singing spell too. It was kind of cute but a 1 in the morning I just wanted to yell SLEEP. I guess somewhere around 2 am I woke up with a foot around my neck and a head really close to my butt. I turned her back to normal sleeping position. And around 4am I got a nice kick in the stomach. At 5am I decide she should be a sleep and dash to my own bed. At 6am I get waken up with a crying niece... " Aunt Kim"... So, I jolt out of bed to check on her!!! After that my husband joins us in "Trinity's Room" and I then tell him, "COFFEY and make it strong!"
Trinity is the sweetest little one I have been around. But, what is it with kid's fighting sleep? Brian asked me that afternoon, "Are you sure you want a child?" Really, at that point in time I started thinking about the good points of IF and not having a child yet.
1- You can have unlimited amounts of sleep.
2- You can just jump in your car and take off on a short notice.
3- You have nothing else to worry about but yourself.
4- You all know the perks of being child free, I won't go on.
But, with lack of sleep, I still managed a "Yes, I still want children!" Maybe I was still delirious.. Who knows!!! But, I know that something in my heart keeps pushing me to try.

Let's Talk About Karma

2005-07-08T21:30:00.000-04:00

Today as I'm killing myself at work. Making up for the tornado thingy, trying to work in some of yesterday's clients that I had to cancel on, and my back banging from slinging hair like a mad woman! A client walks in the door and asked, " What's going on around this salon?" I look around and wanted to say same ole shit different day. But, I carefully looked at the man like I didn't know what the hell he was talking about. He then explains must be some pretty bad "karma" around here with the way the storm blew.
This is no shit! Drive 5 minutes up the road, from the salon, and it looks like nothing happend. Look across the road that my salon is on and trees are down everywhere. I then explain if you think that is bad drive 2 miles down the road where my house is at!
In my panic to get home yesterday after loosing power at the salon. My father in law calls my cell phone and tells me that another tornado had come close to our house. Thank god for cell phones!
Being the nosey person that I am, yesterday evening after things have calmed down. Brian and I heard they had shut down the main road that we live off of. We tried to drive down there and check it out but the road was blocked off by emergency vehicles and they were directing traffic away. I finally drove down there today after dinner and exactly 2 to 4 miles from my house a F-2 tornado touched down and did some serious damage.
Which gets me back on the karma subject. I never really understood karma fully until I was about 21. Yes, I'm a very slow learner in some areas.
Really something was watching over me yesterday. I mean all hell broke loose at my salon. I went into the bathroom during the ordeal scared shitless with my stylists and the gay dog groomer that works in the building beside of me. And so much for men trying to save the women. Mark(the groomer) was the first one in the bathroom. I told him afterwards I really appreciated his bravery. Thanks for saving me. BIG LAUGH.
So, the karma might not be kicking right now in the baby department but something good was difinitely watching over me yesterday!

Lost Friends

2005-07-07T06:59:00.000-04:00

I was just thinking today on my way home from work(because of a tornado) about one of my friends I have not spoken with in 2 years. This girl was one of my best friends growing up. We were attached at the hips. I don't know what happened to us? I still to this day can't figure out what went wrong. I just know towards the end of our friendship I felt like I was giving all the time. I would call her she would never call back. I would attempt to see her, she would never try to come see me. Towards the end of the friendship she developed a pain pill addiction(she says she wasn't addicted) but I and everyone else around her could see the signs...
I mentioned that I was worried about her pill habit to her husband, and since then there has been no contact.
So, I guess she was basically pissed that I mentioned something to her husband about the pills. Hell, I was worried sick. Have you ever seen anyone break out into a sweat and shake from lack of Vicodin, not a pretty sight at all. Sorry, I think if I was addictive to something I would want to know that my friends thought enough to call me out about it!!! I don't know, now I don't care anymore at times, because I have so many supportive friends who are there for me and if they have a problem about a comment I make, they speak up.
But, as the rain was coming down and the wind was blowing I thought, what if this is it? It kind of sucks not having closure on a relationship you have had with someone for over 20 years. Most relationships that I have had in the past I have had some type closure when they came to an end. Even if it was a fuck you and I hope I never see your face again!
Sometimes I want to call her and say, girl I miss you, what's up? But, I know it would be anothor useless attempt, like the one's in the past.
It just all sucks, I haven't seen her son in almost 2 years either, and we were really close too. Oh well c'est la vie? I guess that's how the cookie crumbles sometimes....

Random Thoughts

2005-06-29T00:45:00.000-04:00

Or should I say random jumble? I feel very confused and lost right now. So, what if this FET doesn't work? Do I stop IF treatments or move to adoptiong? I know that I want a child, and I don't care at this point how I get one. Even if it includes baby snatching(JUST KIDDING).
You know, if I ever do get a positive, will I be able to make it through the pregnancy without making myself sick from worry... I think one more miscarriage will literally send me over the deep end. I don't know, why can't I just wake up and the freaking stork left a child on my doorstep? THIS IS MY LIFE, nothing ever goes normal with me.
Everything has been complicated since I was young enough to remember.
Frustrated beyond belief.
Last IVF, I was little Ms. Positive Pants.. I did acupuncture, I ate healthy, I took my vitamins, I quite smoking, drinking, I even relaxed! Where did it get me? NO FREAKING WHERE!
Do I feel like shelling out 500 dollars for acupunture again? No. Do I feel like quitting everything again? No. Do I have the energy to morn another negative cycle? Hell no!
So what's a girl to do at this point? Why o why, did I have shitty tubes? Why are there women out there putting their newborns in the garbage dumpsters and neglecting them? Why, when we have shelled out over 30,000 dollars trying to conceive number 1?
Makes no sense.
I've prayed about this, I even joined my husband's church. I still feel empty and void.
I guess before the tubes were taken, I always felt like maybe there was a chance, that maybe just maybe, it would happen for me. 6 ectopics later and no tubes and IVF not going so well I don't know what to expect. Should I waste more money, have no retirement, and still no child?
Jezz, I just really want to get this FET over with and move on to greener pastures.

INDIGESTION

2005-06-27T07:29:00.000-04:00

What can I say? Pita(Pain In The Ass) sister gets in town yesterday afternoon. So, Brian and I weren't feeling the best from our cookout for friend's the night before. Let's just say the night before was interesting to say the least. My light weight husband got a little sick from too much alcohol intake.
So, sister wants to go to dinner last night with my niece, nephew, her husband and a friend that met them in town who is visting them. He's from St. Louis. We agree to meet up!
First, she starts by telling me she needs a child friendly resturant to go to because of the children. Okay, how about CHUCKIE FUCKING CHEESE? Well, she says that a little too child friendly. Great, how about Japanese? Sounds great. Well, my little nephew completely shows his ass the whole time at dinner. He's almost 2 and my sister and brother in law let him do whatever he wants. I was so embarrassed. He ran all over the resturant. Climbed all over my niece(she's 5) and walks over and pinches my husband and scratches me. Lovely little hellion. He wouldn't sit steal or even sit in his seat, eat anything, or listen to anyone. He finally decides to eat, and he starts throwing food at everyone. Let's not forget the screaming at the resturant. Then throwing himself down in the middle of the floor.
I wanted to beat the child. I couldn't believe that my sister let him act like he was acting. I was horrified.
So, in the middle of dinner she decides to start asking about my IVF. Which, I don't like to tell her anything about. "So are you guys trying again?" I say," Yes, we might." She said, "When?" Me, "None of your fucking buisness"( is what I felt like saying but it was more along the lines of) "Maybe next month." Do I feel like talking about this with you and your total stranger friend. HELL NO. I was really getting really angry.
Also, forgot to mention when we got to the resturant, we had a party of 7! She tells the hostess we only need 6 chairs because my husband is so small he doesn't count. Thank the lord my husband didn't hear that comment. That kind of set the mood for dinner, if you know what I mean? And my husband has gained 20 pounds since she has last seen him. He looks damn good. I can't help it that he's athletic and stays in shape, while her husband looks like he's expecting anytime! Good gracious, that made me so mad!
So Pita sister wants to hang out today. It's raining and she wants to spend the day togethor. No amusment park today because of severe thunder storms. Someone help me or I'm going to flip the hell out on her!!! Did I mention how bad I had indigestion after dinner?

The Plot Thickens

2005-06-24T08:17:00.000-04:00

Pain in the ass sister will be in Sunday evening. Wohoo. Not so excited but I will deal with it. Hey, at least I got her to stay at a hotel. Very smart on my part I must add! She will be in with her two children and husband. Not that seeing the children bothers me, I'm a huge fan of my other niece. But, something about this sister drives me completely insane.
Take for instance the comment that really sent me over the edge the last time I saw her.
Brian and I had went to Ma. to see the family. I have a huge family up north. We all got togethor and met for dinner. So at the resturant in front of the whole family my sister kept telling my husband how skinny he looked. My husband is not a huge man, and at the time he was under huge amounts of stress with his job and my upcoming surgery.
Poor Brian, he just sat there and took it. Well, after the 3rd time of her bluntly saying in front of the family that he looked anorexic, I let her have it.
I basically told her, Brian knows he's lost weight so how about shutting the hell up about it! Really, for you skinny mini's, sometimes it's really hard to gain weight. Just as hard for people who need to loose weight!
I was really skinny in high school, so I would get those comments all the time to. Rather annoying. Of course the comments I get now are, "Are you pregnant?" Nope, just a fat-ass, thank you very much.
So, I feel just evil not wanting to see this sister, but I have a feeling I'm going to loose my cool. She's very irritating to say the least.
Chezz, can someone get me out of this visit?

Vacation At Last

2005-06-23T08:53:00.000-04:00

So, finally made plans for a vacation. Wohoo...
Very happy and much overdue! Will be leaving this little bumkin town on July the 29th and heading for sunny Florida to see my mother and husband #2000! Staying with her a couple of days and then hitting the beaches of St. Augustine, FL. Lord help me, that she doesn't drive me completley insane! If you look disfunctional family up in the dictionary you will surely find my family photograph beside of the word.

Concerts and emotions

2005-06-12T10:07:00.000-04:00

So, went to the Toby Keith concert Friday night and must say that I had a total blast. I'm not much of a county music person. But, it was a Hell of a good concert . It rocked. I had such a good time. I got a little too intoxicated but you know sometimes you just have to say WHAT THE FUCK, and seize the momment and just have too many drinks.
Ride home was really interesting. The couple who went with us(she is 24 and he is 30) They have been dating for 2 years and everytime they would see a child at the concert when we were tailgating she would be like look.... I hope we have a little girl,boy. ect. ect.... He would join along. Very freaking lovely, pass me another beer, I'ld say to my husband. As, I can no longer talk about what type of child that I want or hope to ever have. I feel it's useless if you know what I mean?
So, as we are on our way home after the concert. I mention that we are getting the ball rolling on adoption to our friends. The girl knows my situation because she works for me. She has even helped administer some of my shots for my last IVF. So, her boyfriend(very drunk may I add) starts in with this story of how his old college buddy and his wife were ttc for like 6 years. Well, they started to adopt and now they are pregnant. Why the fuck does everyone have one of these stories? Micheal is not really familiar with my IF situation but I politely tell him, "Micheal that will NEVER happen for us. I have no tubes". So he keeps going on and on. I suppose he doesn't understand the reproductive system. Shouldn't that be a requirement to have a college degree? He then said, "Well, you never know, it could happen".
So, I let him have it and I think my husband kind of enjoyed the fact that I lost my shit.
Micheal has diabetes so that would be kind of like me telling him. " Hey don't take you insulin injections you don't need them. You'll get better on your own." I wish I would have thought of that but like I said I was inebriated so it didn't cross my mind. I said more along the lines of "Micheal, if we get pregnant on our own it will be Jesus's baby! It's not going to fucking happen without IVF for us and the way IVF is going it's not looking so good with that either!" And then proceded to turn the radio up way to loud so I didn't have to hear anymore bullshit.
I got home and just lost my shit again. Started crying and screaming to DH, "I just want one IF friend who we can hang around with. JUST ONE. So we don't have to deal with shit like this. Not only do people think I might still actually be able to conceive on our own. They don't understand that adopting is not the fix all. We are mourning the loss of our genetic link. Blah, blah, blah." Got really emotional and let it all out. Dh took it like a champ. It felt good to just cry. I have hard times showing emotion because I have this huge wall around me. So, that let downs don't hurt as bad.
I believe I have the world's best husband. One thing is for sure, this whole IF saga has made us much stronger as a couple. He's my rock. And I love him for not running....

Finally a call...

2005-06-09T11:28:00.000-04:00

So, little brother finally called last night. What's messed up is Brian and I were watching the season premiere of 6ft Under on VOD, and I told Brain just let the answering machine get it. Wow, glad he didn't listen to me for once! All is well with little brother and he is helping out new members that come into the program now. He's gained 40 pounds and he love's being there.
Now, this is where I get jealous. He's been to several ballets and several plays. He said the ballets were unreal, beautiful. I have always wanted to go to a ballet. The program is showing him there is more to life than drugs and I am so happy for this.
I guess my little google searching finally paid off. This is a "Grassroots" program that he is in. No money out of any family member's pockets. They are a self-sufficient program. It's really wild. He said he is so thankful he is there and I believe him. The family gets to see him in Sept. and I can't wait.
I guess my blog has gotten a little off IVF lately, since I'm waiting until Aug/Sept. for the FET. I will be talking a lot about various things in my life. I'm sure once we start adoption classes I will have a lot more to say...

Let's talk about weird dreams/nighmares

2005-06-07T20:31:00.000-04:00

So, I have this reocurring nightmare/dream that I have killed someone. I never know who they are or what they look like? Or even how I killed them? But, I am always a nervous wreck trying to hide the body. I know how freaky this must be sounding but I swear I have this dream atleast 2 to 3 times a year. No, I'm not a psycho, I promise. I would never ever kill anyone unless they were going to harm or kill me or my family members.
In the lastest murder dream, I have hide the body underground around our chimney in our side yard. I remember vividly last night the smell of the body decomposing. I remember wondering to myself in my dream if they were going to figure out where the body was? Or, if anyone else could smell it? I don't know who the hell "they" are either. More than likely, my husband and the police.
I hate having this dream and I seem to keep redreaming it for some reason.
Maybe in a past life I had severe post partum depression and killed my children. Therefore, I struggle with IF now and have these crazy ass dreams.
It all leads back to IF you know?

Waiting by the phone

2005-06-05T21:49:00.000-04:00

So, I sit here this evening enjoying a nice frosty mug of beer, why is it that beer in the summer time is better than any glass of wine to me? Why is it that you can drink fifty million beers when it is hot outside?
Why is it that I'm stuck freaking waiting?
Take for instance this very momment. My little brother is suppose to call this evening. He's in rehab. and I have only spoke with him one time in 5 months. He is suppose to call this evening and I am out of my mind missing him and wanting to talk to him. Therefore, the phone has not left my sight for the past 2 hours.
Even though he is a drug addict, I love him and his heart is pure gold. He's one of the sweetest, most respectful, intelligent beings that I have ever been around. He just got mixed up into some pretty bad shit.
One thing about me is that I don't judge people. Until you walk in somebody else's shoes why judge them?
Take for instance me. Knowing me you would think I'm average Joe. I could brag about my successful buisness, or my house, or the money that I have in my account(despite all the money that I have spent on IVF) but I don't. And half the time I don't give a flying rats ass what you do for a living, drive, or where you live. I have friends that are successful, and friends that well, umm... are never going to make it anywhere beside where the hell they are at. I love both the same.
I hate judgemental poppus fucking assholes...
No, I'm not the spelling bee winner from school incase you didn't notice. But, I can read very well. I just can't spell and it drives me insane.
I hate the whole stigma that people put on drug addicts. I hope this rehab. will teach my little brother some self-respect. I pray that he makes it, not only for himself. But, for my niece. She needs him in her life. He knows this too, I believe this in my heart or he could walk away from the rehab. at anytime.
So, the phone hasn't rang and I'm thinking dear brother is not calling. More freaking waiting!

Moving on...

2005-06-02T08:32:00.000-04:00

Just realized over the past couple of days I'm semi- ready to move on to adoption. I still have the FET to do in Aug/Sept. but I don't have a lot of faith that it will work.
I'm burn out, tired, financially drained , and sick of being childless. It's hard to let go of the genetic link, but screw IT. I can't handle it anymore. So, getting the ball rolling today on the adoption front. I know it's a long process, but the average wait in the state I live in is 9 months. So, really that's not to bad at all. And atleast with adoption, I'm not flushing money down the toliet. If I had insurance coverage I would keep doing IVF. But, we have now spent so much out of pocket with nothing to show. So, my backup plan is now going into effect. Let's pray I get better results with the backup plan.
Of couse being the wishy-washy woman that I am, more than likely, I will pull some hat trick and attempt another cycle.
This shit is all to frustrating sometimes..

Martha Stewart has left the building....

2005-05-23T10:55:00.000-04:00

What is wrong with me? A friend stopped by my house the other day and was noticing that my lovely flowers are no where to be found. I usually plant all kinds of beautiful flowers and greenery all around my front porch. I told her Martha Stewart has left the building.
I think I am depressed. Take for instance today, I have no urge to even take a shower. One of my friend's called asked If I would like to meet her for lunch... Told her I would be doing good today to take a shower.
Very sad today, feeling the depths of darkness. She asked why I felt so sad? Well, I'm almost 32 and don't have children and there is no way in hell I'll ever conceive on my own! She says ohh... She doesn't get it, and neither do I half the time.
This whole process sucks beyond belief. It's taking a toll.
Do you think if I planted some flowers I would feel better?
I seriously doubt it.

An individual who roam's about aimlessly...

2005-05-13T22:36:00.000-04:00

Definition of a Nomad, therefore you see the theory of the title. I feel like I'm stuck in Nomad's land. My quest for a baby feels like an aimless search that I will never acheive.

FET cycle not happening this month

2005-05-12T17:57:00.000-04:00

Well, fuck a duck! Called my RE this morning to see which day they needed me in their office when my period comes. Was informed the embryologist is having heart surgery and the lab is closed until further notice. That I will have to wait until next period.
Not to happy about this so I guess I get to go with original plan of Aug. I'm so sick of waiting. Really, if I ever am blessed with a child I am going to be ancient. Another road block and another 2 months of growing older. Cheezus, if it's not one thing it's another.
Well, this gives me time to start the prenatal vitamins up again and quit smoking for the 3 time now. 3rd is a charm wright?
I think I need some cheese with my whine?

Fertile Friends have no clue!!!

2005-05-11T12:25:00.000-04:00

Don't get me wrong, I have some of the greatest friends in this whole world! But, there are a few who just don't get it.
I have one friend who thinks because I don't see her children on a daily basis(we are over 900 miles apart) that I need to get pictures emailed to me every other day? She even sent old pictures of her children. Like when her 2 year old was a baby. I don't get this at all?
Okay, yes thank you for the baby picture of your two year old. That's like the 80th time I've seen it in the last two years bitch! Did I ask for that same picture again? NO!
Then, another friend that I have has 4 children. Every time we talk she bitches the whole time about the children. And since she's Mrs. Queen of Fertile Land. When second IVF cycle didn't work. Instead of consoling me. She had the nerve to get in an arguement with her husband when we were on the phone togethor about my fucking infertility!
She screams out to her husband when we were talking, " NO, THE PROBLEM IS SHE CAN'T CARRY CHILDREN!" I was enraged. He then yells something back at her.
Really, hum.. Did I need to hear all of that? I just had a negative fucking beta. Didn't need that yelled out into my ear over the phone!
I mean for all I know I can carry children. If I would ever get a pregnancy in my God Foresaken Uterus I might find out.
Fertie's have no fucking clue.....
I guess I really could go on and on about all the comments that people have said to me but that would fill up this entire blog.
What's so sad is this:
I feel like I'm handicap. I mean from the outside you see this nice, attractive, young lady.(Wow! I actually said something good about myself) Then you find out about my infertility and it's like people think I'm diseased and contagious or something. Like I suddenly can't hear asshole comments or see big fat belly rubs.
I hate my infertility.

Stressing out

2005-05-10T09:38:00.000-04:00

Well, this is just wonderful. My little brother has been in drug treatment facility since January. I received mail from the DA's office addressed to my brother. I opened the mail( I know it's illegal but I'm nosey) and the the letter said that they were going to prosecute my little brother over bad checks.
Mind you, the checks don't exceed over 200 dollars but with all the bad checks fees it's well over 500 dollars. This is the first time my little brother has made a straight up effort to get help. I called the person over him in rehab. and explained what was going on. That they are going to issue warrants on May 25th if they don't get their money.
The the director of the Rehab called back and now I have to fax all the information over to him. I hope they can settle something for him. What get's me is they want to pull him out of rehab. (the DA) for these checks and put him in jail but there are drug dealers on our streets selling dope in front of everyone and they do nothing.
I need to get going lots of shit to do today...
I'm stressing over my brother and I know this is totally out of my hands.

A day off...

2005-05-09T16:23:00.000-04:00

Why is it I never really get a day off? Take for instance today, running errands for my business, banking, paying bills, ect... I just want a real day off. Which would mean, no bill paying, no exercise, no errands, nothing. Just simply eating and vegging out all day!!!
I digress.....

Roller Coaster Ride

2005-05-08T10:33:00.000-04:00

Well, I have been wanting to do this for a while, so I think with all of my infertiltiy woes that Mother's Day should be perfect for this new blog... I have never had a blog before, so bear with me, this might take some time. I feel I need to do this so hopefully I can look back and see that this hell ride was worth it.

I don't really remember how long my quest for a baby has been going on. Maybe 10 years now if I really think about it... But, the last 3 have did me in.
This whole freakin hell ride started when I was 18. I was engaged(too young to be engaged) and had fallen pregnant. I was with my mother getting a pap smear and getting put on the birth control pill when I found out the news. Perfect timing huh?

I was devastated, needless to say. I was so very young and my mother wanted me to get an abortion! That was not an option for me. She then begged me to put the baby up for adoption. Not an option either! From a very young age I have always wanted a child. I fought with mother about the situation with each day that followed.

Five days later I started to spot. I was sent to the hospital for an u/s. I had to drink a shit load of water and I remember being so uncomfortable. I felt like I was going to pop. The u/s revealed there was not a viable sac in my uterus. So, my ob/gyn said I was having a m/c. I was totally devastated and some how relieved also. I would no longer to have to worry about how to raise a child at such a young age.

The next couple of days the spotting picked up. Then all hell broke loose. The ob/gyn decided instead of me having a d&c, I should let my body go on it's own. I don't recommend this for anyone having a m/c. Very bad clots and cramps. This was a very emotional process for me. I remember just crying and being so sad about everything. And the pain from the cramps and all of the blood was like nothing I had ever experienced. Needless to say, I wish I would have headed straight to an RE then. But no, that took about 10 more years for me to figure out!

Flash forward a several years later. I was 22 and went to see my ob/gyn. I was having severe pain with intercourse and had been having some spotting for the past couple of days. Which would stop and start again.

My my stupid ob/gyn said I was ovulating and passing eggs for twins! I believed that shit too. Oh, I was so young and naive. A week after that visit, I woke up a 3 a.m. in the morning and could not walk or move. I was in fetal position screaming out for help. My mother and fiance had to carry me to the car. I told my mother on the way to the emergency room that I was going to die.

As soon as I entered the hospital they took my vital signs. They then sent me straight back to a room. An ER nurse tried to take my vitals again and tells me to stand up. I throw up from the pain and pass out on her. One hour later I was being rushed into an operating room for a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. I lost my right fallopian tube from the rupture and was in the hospital for 4 days. Wow, what an egg I ovulated huh?

Fast forward 2 more years later. I had another positive pregnancy test. Another ecotpic but it was caught very early. I received a nice shot of methotrexate to dissolve the pregnancy tissue. As you can see at the nice young age of 24 things are not looking so hopeful on the baby front.

This takes us to April of 2002. I am 28 and getting married to my wonderful husband. We have been together for 3 years and we have been very careful with using birth control/condoms so I don't get pregnant. We both wanted to wait until we were married to have children. Brian knows all I have been through.

We spent our honeymoon in Cancun and it was amazing. It just so happened I was ovulating over the honeymoon. Joked with friends that I might get pregnant because I will be ovulating. I notice in Cancun that I'm not feeling so well by end of trip. Could have been from the water? Or maybe all the booze?

I get home and go straight back to work a day later. I notice I am very tired. I go to sleep as soon as I get home from work every evening. My period ends up being 5 days late and my breast are huge and sore. On my way to work the following day I decided to pick up an hpt. I sneak into the bathroom and use it before my first client.

Instant positive!!! I was so happy. Perfect husband, perfect wedding, perfect honeymoon, and OMG we got pregnant on the first try! I came out of that bathroom with stick in hand waving it around and crying for JOY.

Well, that lasted about 2.5 seconds. Two days later I started spotting. I call my ob/gyn to see if he will work me in ASAP because I now have a history of ectopics. Blood work is drawn and hcg levels were high. Don't worry about the spotting my Dr. tells me, go home and stay off of your feet for the rest of the week. Come back in 2 days for more blood work. 2 days later more blood work. Hcg levels rose, I was told that I still need to stay off my feet because the spotting had not stopped! Come back in 2 more days for more blood work. 2 days later, more blood work again. This is what is known as BETA HELL!

I then get the dreaded phone call from my Dr.! Kim, you're going to need a d&c! Your betas have fallen and with all the bleeding we think it would be best! We're 100 percent sure this is a m/c. You need to go straight to the ER, we've called and made the arrangements..

So this was my first D&C. Nice drugs at least. I was told by my Dr. to come back in 2 days to make sure your my beta numbers are dropping. 2 days later my hcg levels are higher than first blood draw. Another ECTOPIC! My heart was simply crushed into a zillion pieces. 2 shots of metho. and a million blood drawls later my hcg levels finally go back to zero.

Fast forward another year later. It's the end of May 2003. Dh and I are having a pool party/cook-out at the in-laws for friends and family. I noticed my breast were very tender. I was also cramping on my left side. I go the restroom and I notice I have started to spot. I must have looked worried. B asked what was wrong when I came out of the bathroom. I whispered I'm spotting a weird color of brown/pink. He now knows that is not a good sign for me.

I call my ob/gyn the next day and he is OUT OF TOWN. So, I decided to go to another ob/gyn. Just as I thought I was pregnant again! More blood work. I sit and wait for the results of the blood work and wait to talk with my DR.

I explain to new Dr. that I now have had one zillion ectopic pregnancies and I'm really worried this is another one. He assures me that my Hcg levels were so high that he feels this is a normal pregnancy(18,000 to be exact) and that he will do a u/s the following day just to make sure all is okay. With my HCG levels being so high they should be able to see something on the u/s..
Okay, whatever.

I go in the following day for an u/s. I ask the u/s tech if she can see anything? She tells me my Dr. will tell me my results(this isn't a good sign). I wait an hour to talk to the Dr. He informs me that I need emergency surgery again, he suspects another ectopic and I have a huge cyst also.

Wonderful! This is what I describe as surgery HELL. I think my ob/gyn was drunk or high? It took me 2 months to recover from a simple lap. and d&c, which should only have took a couple of days. The ob/gyn must have nicked something. I had what looked like bruises on my back. What it actually was is the following. Blood had drained and pooled under my skin on my back. The skin turned browninsh black and peeled off in huge strips. My belly button incision would not heal. I had to go back to my Drs. 2 weeks after the surgery and have the incision re-cut open because it was infected. 2 days later I pulled a cotton gauze out of the belly button incision. NICE huh?

This dumbfuck ob/gyn tells me to keep trying. That the one tube I have left looked wonderful when he perforemed my lap. He never really tells me that I had an ectopic and the pathology report for the d&c came back as no by products of conception also.

So after botched job surgery I moved straight to an RE. In Jan of 2004, Dh and I went to our first consult with an RE. He suggest IVF due to the large amount of ectopics that I have had. Newbie that I was, I thought this was going to work with the first try. I even decided that I would not cycle until April because the baby would be born around DH's birthday. Yeah you can throw up now if you'ld like. Puke, little did I know.

The whole IVF process has ended up being a huge freakin roller coaster ride. I ended up being a very poor responder and my eggs were shit. I produced 5 eggs, icsi'ed all 5. 3 fertilized. Very poor grade. I transferred all 3 and got a BFN.
I then researched day and night about IVF. I learned that my clinic's stats were shit! Horrific! Something like 22 percent live birth rate?!? What a newbie I was and 12,000 dollars later flat broke!

In Aug. 2004, my father offered to help us out with another cycle. I went to a new RE. He wanted to take my last tube out. Which was fine by me. I didn't want anymore ectopics and my new RE explained with all my ectopics that the chances for a healthy pregnancy in my uterus were only about 2 percent if we tried on our own.

Surgery was scheduled for Aug/Sept sometime, I have forgotten the exact date. We ended up having huge mud slides in western NC the day of my surgery which blocked the interstate for several days. I could not make it to surgery. I decided since I would have to wait another month to have surgery that if my RE would agree, I would just go a head and cycle without the removal of my last tube. I asked my RE if I could just go a head and cycle. He agreed to it, but stated that I still needed to have the lap. to remove my last tube.

I started my lupron injections, had my u/s first to make sure all was well, he noticed a little free fluid in my tube and uterus. He told me that I had a pretty good size cyst also. But reassured me it should be gone before I start my stims. I then had some insurance issues come up and had to stop my cycle after about a week and a half of Lupron injections.

About a week later I started spotting. I called my RE and told him I was spotting and had some dull pains on my left side. He asked if I could be pregnant? That it sounds like it could be an ectopic. I told him I think the cyst had ruptured. No, he then tells me, I should take a hpt just to be safe.

I take a HPT, instant positive. Took 3 more just to a make sure. My RE said he wanted me at his office for beta ASAP. My hcg levels came back at 98. He said to come back in 2 days and if beta goes up no surgery. If my hcg levels go down, we were heading straight for surgery, removing my last tube, and performing a hysteroscopy with my lap.

Second beta was a 64! Off to surgery for me. Surgery went excellent. RE took some really cool pictures of my uterus and tube. It was another ectopic(so he thought). I also had severe adhesions all over the tube and ovaries. He said he cleaned up some of the adhesions.

So in November of 2004, I attempted my 3rd cycle. Everything went rather well. I produced 7 eggs this time. I was on a higher dose of stims. 5 fertilized excellent quality and grade. Three at 8 cells, 2 at 7 cells. First go around none made it past 4 and 6. Still a bfn though... I even had 3 to freeze with the second/thrid cycle. I will be attempting a FET sometime soon. Not really too hopeful, but I pray it will work.

So, this sums up my ride so far in a nutshell.... If anyone is still with me? I'm sick and tired of all of this. But, I must keep in mind, that what does not kill you will make you stronger... Or so I am told.