Nomad's Land

Updated

2007-05-16T10:08:00.000-04:00

Needed to updated this account so that I could comment on other blogger accounts.

So here we are... Mr. Old blog it's been a while.

You can find me at...

2006-03-15T19:20:00.000-05:00

Nomad's Land

Follow Up

2006-02-24T09:09:00.000-05:00

Well, I made it to the follow up with RE #2 yesterday. Things went okay.
I was armed with the recent diagnosis of the septum and several questions for old RE(aka DF).
The staff at this clinic is very nice. The receptionist and all of the nurses love me. It's hard for me to maintain a pissed off attitude in this environment. Like I have said before, this IVF clinic really gets the emotional aspects of the IVF process. They are very compassionate. But, compassion doesn't equal pregnancies unfortunately.
I arrive at 10:36 am, I had to call the clinic and tell them I was going to be a couple of minutes late. Something huge had flown off of a transfer truck on the interstate so right before my exit to RE #2, the interstate was open with only one lane of traffic. Traffic was extremely congested.
I was wheeled immediately back to my RE's office. Nice hand shake when I entered the room and instead of sitting behind his desk he sits closer to me. More towards the side.
So here's where things get interesting.
Him- So, you are here for the follow up on your frozen transfer?
Me- Yup
He then goes into a whole spill of how only 1 of the three embryos made it through the thaw. They hatched it a 7 cells. That immediately confused me because I was told that it gained a cell after the thaw process. Oh well, not to concerned about Lone Ranger. He/she put up a good fight just to survive the thaw process.
He then goes into the whole spill of how all my embryo's were excellent quality after my fresh cycle and they had a lot of hope that it would work. That my cycle was textbook for pregnancy. Now we all know that excellent quality embryos don't amount to a hill of beans in the IVF game.
I then question any changes he would make to my protocol?
He answers with none.
I then told him about my day 3 fsh coming back as 11.
Once again would you change my protocol?
He asked who performed my days 3's. I tell him my ob/gyn. He goes into a spill about if I was 39 that wouldn't concern him so much but being only 32 that is something that does concern him a little. But, still thinks that the long lupron protocol worked wonderfully for me and he would not change it.
Yeah maybe a year and a half ago when my fsh was only 6.5, but um.. Now it's 11? He knows I don't respond the best anyway. I didn't realize they performed the day 3 testing on me a year and a half ago.
So, I then ask him to explain the findings of the hysteroscopy? What did he see when performing it?
He reads back my surgical report to me. Everything looks great.
So this is the part where he looks like a deer caught in head lights.
I then tell him that I consulted a 3rd RE on Jan. the 24th and I was diagnosised with a uterine septum.
I lay out the diagnosis sheet and wait.
His eyes get as wide as two saucers and he says to me. YOU DO NOT HAVE A SEPTUM.
I said humm..
I then question the fact that in my surgical report it states that the ostium(opening of the fallopian tubes) could be seen on the left but not on the right when the hysteroscopy was inserted? With a normal uterus you should be able to see both openings.
He stutters a little bit.
I then ask about the white tissue area that I see on the hysteroscopy pictures. Both of these are classic signs of septums.
He just repeats you do not have a septum.
He asked what procedure new RE used to diagnosis this and I told him standard procedure that they perform before they cycle anyone at their clinic. A saline u/s.
He then states that he's performed many saline u/s and he too has thought that many women have had septums. That after moving forward with the hysteroscopy they have shown to not have a septum.
I then explain that I'm sick and tired of spending all of this money out of pocket. That I want some answers before anyone carves on my uterus. That if I do infact have a septum and it was missed that this was something detrimental.
He suggest that I seek a third opinion to put my mind at ease, and repeats that I do not have a septum.
Well, let me tell you folks. I'm seriously over it. I know it's hard for RE's to acknowledge their mistakes. But, I need some answers to this situation.
So, I have ANOTHER consultation with another RE in my area on March the 13th. I need some answers before I close this book on IVF if you know what I mean?
It's a big ass cluster fuck if you ask me!

Follow Up Is Rescheduled

2006-02-20T09:07:00.000-05:00

For this Thursday. It's snowing in the mountains, I didn't feel safe enough to drive. So we shall see what happens Thursday!
Meanwhile, I'm neck deep in receipts for my taxes....
HELP!

Expose theme myself?

2006-02-19T18:30:00.001-05:00

As most of you know tomorrow is the follow up with dumbfuck RE who missed the septum.
I'm hoping DF will refund the money that I have wasted with him and the his wonderfully shitty clinic.
I'm actually thinking of pursuing legal action(if he doesn't agree) but I don't know if I have enough energy to fight. That's still up in the air...
I will cycle again and have surgery to repair the septum if all goes well. If not, B and I have decided to pursue adoption. We are finally on the same page about the infertility situation and I must admit. If feels pretty good. I'm just starting to research the adoption areas. We are thinking of going domestic. I feel like a newbie all over again.
Enough is enough. My body is spent mentally and physically and I'm ready to move on to.

Just What The Dr. Ordered

2006-02-15T20:04:00.000-05:00

Yup, well... He didn't actually order it, I did.
B and I took a little vacation. Not a very long one. We were only away for 3 days but I have to say, it could not have been any better timing considering the circumstances.
I actually didn't think about my infertility once for 3 days. I can't believe it.
We went away to a ski resort called WINTERPLACE. We stayed at the Glade Springs Resort. Very nice. Couldn't resist the incredible deal that we received.
I surprised hubby with a nice couples massage at the spa at Glade Springs, the day before Valentine's. Sweet... I could have stayed at that spa all evening. I felt like a noodle I was so relaxed.
The big bonus about the whole trip was that it was snowing. Well, almost a damn white out! Being from the south, the slopes in NC are normally icy conditions. If you can snowboard on ice you can snowboard on about anything. I thought I had died and went to powder heaven on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. I'm completely spoiled with fresh powder now. I'm pretty sure they received well over 12 inches of snow. It was beautiful, relaxing, peaceful, pampering, and fun. Something I was in desperate need of.
The bad part is my face is completely chapped. My lips, nose, and cheeks are red, raw, and hurt like a bitch at the moment. Any tips for extremely dry skin on the face? My skin is really sensitive also. No pain, no gain! Huh?
I attempted a little jump at the snowboard park. Yes, I do believe I'm getting a little brave. I actually landed the first jump. The second one I went completely airborne and came down on my ass. It didn't hurt that bad, or I was laughing too hard at myself to notice. My husband then decided he would attempt the run. He landed the first one, didn't get enough speed for the second jump. We laughed and watched the youngsters rip it up.
I really wish I would have learned to snowboard in my younger years instead of my 30's. Oh well, it was fun and I needed the break. It was also very romantic, something else that was much needed.
We have decided what to do about the current infertility situation but I'm not really wanting to discuss it at the moment. I'm still on my little mini-vacation high..
Stay tuned, I'm sure details will be in the next post!

More Bad News

2006-02-09T18:41:00.000-05:00

Well, seems like I'm out of the game for the shared risk. My day 3 fsh came back as 11. Yup, 11.
I'm screaming at the universe at the moment. I'm so hurt. In order for me to be accepted into the shared risk my day 3's needed to be under 10. One crappy little point. Seems to be the story of my life here lately. ALWAYS SOMETHING.
I'm so over it.
I mean I guess I could go through with the septum surgery. Spend tons of money for a single cycle. And just go for it. But, I feel in my heart, I don't have a snowball's chance in hell of this working for me.
You know people ask all of the time, when is enough really enough? They say you know when enough is enough. Well, I could not be hearing it any louder at the moment. My mind/intuition is screaming enough!
Like I was telling a wonderful friend of mine today. If I haven't had 3 surgeries in the past, the ectopic's, the m/c's, the failed IVF cycles, and the money flushed down the drain. I would be open arms about the situation.
I wouldn't think twice about moving forward. But, as I sit here this evening. I'm finding myself wanting to adopt more and more. I've had it, I'm spent, and I'm sick of all these fucking procedures. I don't want any more surgeries and I don't want anymore failed cycles. Enough.
I'm so desperate. I'm actually thinking of calling PITA sister and asking her if she remembers the talk we had when she offered to be a surrogate for B and I. She's a total nut job. But, if it involves a baby making it to term, I'm all for it.
If it gets me out of another invasive surgery, even better! Hey, If I'm really sweet maybe she'll donate her eggs also. Don't really think mine are going to do the trick.
I just don't think I can handle this anymore. I'm going to have to get some things sorted out.
Like, just really how much we can afford.
My main objective about the about entering the shared risk. If it didn't work, I would receive money back and then could afford to adopt.
Well, that plan is scratch...
So, now it's either
1) Adoption
2) Have surgery, do a single cycle and call it quits. Take another year off to save money to be able to afford to adopt.
3) Gestational surrogate, which I'm thinking is even more expensive than adoption, and still no guarantee.

I don't know what all number 3 would involve. I guess I should research a little. Now with my fsh being so shitty, plus the uterus, I don't even know which way to turn.
I know I'm probably not making much sense. Because it's not making much sense to me at the moment. I just know my mind is screaming.

KIM YOU'RE SERIOUSLY FUCKED!

Surgery Scheduled

2006-01-30T09:16:00.000-05:00

For March the 9th. Not really looking forward to it, but atleast I have somewhat of a plan. I don't plan on cycling for a couple of months after my surgery. As you all know, I'm somewhat of a waiter. Not a big fan of back to back cycles. I also want to give my poor uterus time to heal properly.

I would like to thank everyone for the comments on my last post. It was a really hard day for me. I went in expecting to cycle this month and was hit with the news on my septum. I think that was one of the hardest days I've ever experienced, right up there with the pain of some of my losses.

While I'm very happy it was found, I'm also very pissed at my former REs.

I have a follow up consult scheduled for Feb. the 13th with my last RE( he performed the hysteroscopy). He thinks it's for my failed FET cycle. Ha! Little does he know. In a perfect world, I would like to think this man would offer to refund my money spent on the fresh and frozen cycles with him. But, in the real world, I know this will never happen.

I've had several people tell me I should sue him. I really don't have the energy, I would just like a refund for my cycles. I know that things are mis-diagnosed on a daily basis, so I'm sure since this wasn't a life threatening condition, I don't stand a chance.

I can only look forward from here on out.

On another note, I'm thinking of changing over to typepad. I'm sick of blogger being down every time I want to post something. So, we might have a whole new look in a couple of days.

Thank you all, again, for all of the support. It means the world to me!

Hope For The Best.

2006-01-24T22:30:00.000-05:00

Receive the worst.

Boy o boy, if I could only draw everyone a picture of my reproductive system. Trust me, it's not a pretty picture folks.

I can not stress enough how important it is to find a really good RE. Seek second, third, and fourth opinions if you must! If you have been dealing with IF for more than a year. Move straight to an RE.
Run don't walk.
I'm totally numb. I've been crying on and off since 12 a.m. this afternoon.

Shall I start the day out from the beginning?
Do you really want to hear me whine?

Around 4 a.m. I am awaken by my wonderful(ratbastard) cat. I don't mean that in a bad way, I swear. I love the little fellow but, do I really need to be awaken to him rolling in a ball like sonic the crazed hedgehog for 15 minutes at 4 in the morning.

6 a.m.- Shower make coffee. Drink coffee and get ready for my 3 hour drive to see RE number 3, the big consult I've been looking so forward to. HA!

6:45 wake B up and tell him to start getting ready.

7:11 - 7:22- agonize over what the fuck to wear. Do I want to go comfy or fashionable? Try on 4 paris of pants, 15 shirts, 2 different bras, 2 different panties, 6 pairs of shoes and three different necklaces.

7:300- fuck it, just throw something on safe.

7:33- leave the house with my suitcase full of consent forms and medical history.

7:33 -10:35- Ride with husband and listen to him bitch about traffic(it was really bad). Try to ignore him and read the latest book I've started.

10:41- Try to find a parking spot at new clinic. Find one and some bitch cuts in front of B and takes the spot.(HA, lucky for her I'm not stimming)

10:45- Arrive at new clinic and sign in. Hand over insurance information and well you know the drill

11:05- Called back by nurse. Very sweet, checks my blood pressure(a little high), I then explain cut off in the parking lot and traffic. She ask some medical history. We laugh, life's good. Taken back to Mr. Wonderful( aka my new RE)

Are you bored yet? Get ready for some waiting...

11:21- Mr. Wonderful walks in. We talk about my history...
He scans over my medical back ground and starts drilling me with questions esp, about my other protocols. He then review my pregnancies. Starts asking several more questions and starts taking notes. We discuss my surgeries. Talk more protocol. He then explains the next set of test he would like to run.
Blood test that involve 9 viles of blood to be drawn.
Also known as a habitual aborter panel. It includes screening for lupus anticoagulant, Anticardiolipin IgM, IgG, IgA, Thrombophilia, Genetic evaluation, Immunologic Factors, and endocrine normalities.
Which is basically boils down to a whole lot of blood people. I begged, pleaded with my last RE to run these test. My last RE didn't believe in them. It's just my tubes, that's the only problem.
We talk more protocol(he promises to fine tune it when I have my day 3 fsh results in), in order to achieve a better response next time I cycle, and sends me to the room across the hall for my saline ultrasound. Sends B off to the porn room and I'm a happy camper.
A RE how agrees to test and believes in them? You've got to be kidding, and I was mad because you made me wait 26 minutes... Okay you're forgiven.

11:51- Keep watching the u/s machine, the clock is ticking. Mr. Wonderful might be getting a quick bite to eat. Nope, I think I hear him with another patient? I here my chart shuffling. Is that him? Nope back to the book.

12:04- Well there you are sunshine, what took you so long? I then explain how I've never had a saline ultrasound. I've had an hsg, back in the day when I had a tube and a nube(my ob/gyn sent me to my local hospital for one) when I was a little pup wet behind the years.
All is going well. He's explaining his findings. Ask if I only had one ovary. I wanted to ask him if he read my chart, but bite my lip. I explain to him that the right ovary he was looking for was covered with adhesions. And I've been told that my ovaries are really small.
Oh yes, I've found it. Shows me my resting follicles(11 or 12 resting) Explains that I should get a much better response with my upcoming cycle, that previous RE's should have use a different protocol(you think?). And then things get really quiet. Nurse and I are chit chatting . Nurse even comments on how quiet Mr. Wonderful just got.
He then said I'm concentrating.
Okay? I then hear these 3 words.
YOU HAVE A UTERINE SEPTUM!
What?( did I just hear that correctly?)
I then mumble something along the lines of,
So that's where my embryos are going!
I get really quiet also.
Chatty nurse pats my knee.
He then starts showing me everything on the u/s screen after he injects another round of saline.
From then on things start getting really blurry. He tells me to get dressed and he'll explain his findings.
I'm fighting back the tears, I know it's not good.
I sit on a bench outside of the u/s room and I'm sure I look like I just got punched in the gut. My brain is racing.
How could this have possibly went un diagnosed when I've had a fucking hysteroscopy from my last RE? How? How do you miss this?
B walks up with a little grin on his face. Wish I was grinning. Looks at me and knows that something is wrong.
What's wrong dear, is everything okay?
I mumbled, not good, I'll let Mr. Wonderful explain.
Mr. Wonderful takes B and I back into his office again.
He explains the good, I guess if you consider 10/11 resting follicles good news.
And then moves into the septum spill.
He draws a picture of what he was seeing so that I'll understand better. And well I have a complete nervous break down on him. He shows B and I the u/s photos again and goes over them thoroughly.
How much can one person take? My cup has runnit over with shit fucking luck.
He then explains the surgery to fix the septum. It's really quite simple or so Mr. Wonderful said.
I'm not really hearing things too well at this point.
I do manage to ask if it involves another fucking laporscopy? Please God,no more surgeries. No more incisions on my stomach.
I did here a no on that.
Also heard simple procedure with little recovery time. Would just set me back a month or two on cycling. Heard the words hysteroscopic metroplasty and something about a catheter/balloon being place in my uterus while I heal. Heard some thing about taking hormones during the healing time to quiet the uterus and decide to cry some more.

Mr. Wonderful then told me they have great success rates with this procedure. He then goes on to tell me that he can not cycle me without the surgery.
That women with septums like mine are not able to carry a baby to term. Could be the reason that 2 of my ectopics were ify about being a actual ectopic.

Mr. Wonderful leaves the room and sends the nurse in to take me over for my labs.
9 viles.

My loving husband tells me to stop blaming myself. I can't control this. I really can't. He doesn't understand the anger I'm feeling. I've seen incompetent Dr. after incompetent Dr. and I'm pissed for wasting so much money.

Blood drawn, back to Mr.Wonderful's office. We wait some more.

Mr. Wonderful strolls in and tells me his nurse will call to set me up for surgery. That may husband's semen analysis is perfect. Yes, I know this.

We check out and leave.

I cry on and off the whole ride home. We arrive home sometime after 5pm.

I don't know what to do.

So that's the long awaited consult in a fucking nutshell. I drafted some of this last night. I'm mentally exhausted at the moment.

I want to call in to work but I have a full day on my book.

Life goes on I suppose.

2 Days

2006-01-22T11:17:00.000-05:00

But who's counting? Tuesday is the big day for the consult. Looks like no natural disasters, snow storms, or ice storms are around the bend.
Will she make it is the question? Stay tuned people.
We had a little scare with my husband's blood work on Friday. Our new clinic called on Tuesday leaving this on the answering machine.
Mr. So and So, this is asshole nurse, calling with the results of your blood work. Will you please return my call as soon as possible?
So, I , being the wonderful wife that I am, took it upon myself to return B's call. The lady's voice mail said it may take 24 to 48 hours to return any messages left. Well, 48 hours later, I still had not heard from the lady. I finally call again Friday morning.
The nurse(or whatever the hell she is) said that she had been out of town and she apologized(so nice of her) for not calling us back sooner. She then proceeds to tell me that she can not give me my husband's results that she needs to talk to him! WTF?
So, I go into panic mode and start assuming the worse. I asked her if things are okay, she said once again I can't release any results to you. WTF?
My husband is over a huge job and doesn't really have time to call, but I phone his cell phone as soon as I hung up with the evil lady. I tell him to call her immediately! I think the worse about every situation so of course my brain is going crazy.
Then I wait.
B doesn't call me back for a full 20 minutes.
B finally calls and said that all of the blood work came back fine. She needed to speak with him about setting his chart up. Now, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT ABOUT? Could she not have just explained that to me?
No! That would have been too simple! She had to send me into full panic mode. I know that they are not suppose to release stuff to outside sources. But come on now. A simple statement such as everything is fine would have been wonderful.
Nothing is every simple with my life.
On a much more positive note!

GO PANTHERS!

Reasons Why I Love IVF

2006-01-17T22:53:00.000-05:00

Part 2

Well, as you see this took me some time to compose....

1- I love the fact that IVF has worked for so many people. Tends to bring the hope back into my life.

2- It has given me the chance of possibly having a baby one day. If it wasn't for IVF, I would never have a second chance to conceive on my own considering I'm tubeless.

3- I've met some really wonderful women/friends during this process that really understand and get the whole infertile thing. Because, lets just face it, not too many out there in the real world get it. They are wonderful support and I will cherish those friendships even though I have never met some of them.

4- Saving the best for last. The retrieval drugs. Gotta love the drugs...

I think that pretty much sums it up. I could have actually added more to reasons to why I hate it and I may continue once I get these cycles underway. That is if I'm accepted into this program. Certain surgeries may not let me. The fact that I'm a poor responder and the fact that my fsh was high at 28 years of age, isn't real positive. I hate to see it now at 32 years old. Here's hoping for the best but expecting the worse! Cheers!

6 more days people! I'll be there next Tuesday come hell or high waters! I think I probably just jinxed myself with that statement, considering all that has went down, but what the hell. There better not be any natural disasters next Tuesday or I'm going to be really pissed.

Reasons why I hate IVF

2006-01-06T22:01:00.000-05:00

Part 1

1) Hate that I'm out of pocket. It has cost me a small fortune for failure.

2) Hate shooting up. Really don't enjoy the needles.

3) Hate the huge emotional roller coaster ride of the whole process.

4) Really pissed me off that I have to spend all this money and still no guarantee that I'll take home a child.

5) I've had enough surgeries, ectopics, and d&c's to last a lifetime. If I do get pregnant, petrified of another loss.

6) Hate the fact that I have to drive almost 5 hours(round trip) to see this new RE.

7) Always fight with my husband when going through this process. Sick of fighting over trying to have a baby.

8) Have to sneak around and do this shit because my Irl friends and family drive me crazy about my infertility.

9) Not really looking forward to another round with the dildo cam.

10) Not to mention the huge needle going through the uterus just sucks big one's also.

11) I just want to get pregnant the good ole fashion way and the fact that I have to do IVF pisses me off because it's such a roll of dice. Unpredictable.
.
12) Hate missing work because everyone will know what I'm doing.

13) Hate the whole drama over how many fucking eggs am I going to make. Will I get cancelled. Will they fertilize? Will this embryo decide to stick around?

14) I just hate it all.... I'm sure I could come up with more at the moment but my brain is mush!

Stay tuned for reasons why I love it. HA!

I SUPPOSE

2006-01-02T16:40:00.000-05:00

A good blogger should blog more than once a month. Sorry for the absence. It seems with all the excitement of the holidays I neglected my blogging.

Christmas was wonderful. My husband spent entirely too much money. What's new he always does. He bought me a new digital camera. YAHOO for good pictures. A gold necklace, giftcard to Victoria's Secret, a giftcard to one of my favorite clothing stores, new pajamas, slippers, perfume... Too much shit if you ask me.

My mother and her husband came in Christmas day. Trinity came down Christmas day also. It was a nice Christmas.

New Year's was spent snowboarding with my husband and friends. I had a ball. This is the first New Year that I can remember not being shitty drunk. I didn't drink Saturday night because I didn't want to die snowboarding. By the time we got back to our cabin I was extremely tired. I wish I would have remembered to take some pictures of us snowboarding. This was my third time snowboarding and I finally made it down the more advanced slopes without falling. I actually made it down twice without falling. I've got the heel edging down my next goal is to work on toe edging. Maybe, if I work enough nerve up, I might attempt to hit a box or rail on our next trip. Yes, pretty scary.

My husband surprised me with a new Burton snowboard, boots, and bindings. I sent him to go pick up my rentals Saturday morning and he came home with the new gear instead. I'm a very happy camper to say the least. Totally surprised me with that. We had talked about the purchase earlier that week. I told him that it was entirely too much money to be spending with our consult approaching. Well, I guess he didn't feel the same. I can't be mad because I really wanted the gear.

This New Year was much better than last. Last year I started my period on New Year's Eve. It sucked considering I was in the 2ww for my second IVF. It was just so nice for me to enjoy Christmas and the holidays this year. I really thought that last year I wasn't bothered by cycling over the holidays. I realized this year how much it consumed me.

Nothing else to report. Gearing up for my consult on the 24th. I'm actually getting a little excited about the situation. Very weird for me.

Hoping that 2006 will better year for me and everyone!

Consult Was A Bust

2005-12-19T11:52:00.000-05:00

Didn't make it to our consult due to this... Yes, people that is freezing rain. We had over a half an inch accumulation of this mess. Lots of people lost power in our area and still are without it. We were lucky enough to not loose our power. But, there was no way in hell I could have drove to the consultation is this mess. Considering RE #1000 is almost 3 hours away.
I am rescheduled for the third time now on January 24. I guess it's Murphy's Law, if it's going to happen it will happen to me.

My Old Friend Has Returned

2005-12-07T10:17:00.000-05:00

His name is anxiety. He creeps in often. I hate him. He causes worry and shortness of breath sometimes. He causes my mind to play out scenarios over and over.
Yes indeed, Mr. Anxiety made a full fledge appearance last night out of no where. That's the worst thing about Mr. Anxiety, just when you think your are free and clear. Watch out, he's back...
I'm sure what I am feeling is the stress from the upcoming consult. The consult is the 15th, I'm throwing a Christmas party at my house on the 17th. B asked me last night, as I was discussing how my little friend has made his grand return visit, if I would like to reschedule the consult? Nope, let's just get it over with.
I feel like I'm on a see-saw of cycling. One minute I'm all for it and the very next minute, Run Forest RUN!

Saddle Up

2005-11-29T18:36:00.000-05:00

Time to get back on the horse so to speak! Consult is Dec. 15 for the shared risk cycle. 3 fresh cycles and 3 frozen(if any left to freeze) for one lump sum. It's like buying a car folks with no car to show for the payment. But hopefully a nice baby or two if I strike it rich. I don't know why I didn't do this to begin with. It's been almost a year now since my last fresh cycle. I'm not really looking forward to this but I want a child. I never thought in my whole entire life I would have to sink this much money into having a child.
That is if this works, which is a really big huge if!
I still may walk away childless, but at least I will get some damn money back.
Why was I so naive to think that this would really work the first go around? Because of the six ectopics?
What the fuck was so great about my tubes anyway? I wish my embryos would share the same feelings about my uterus that they did about my long gone tubes....

Thanksgiving

2005-11-23T09:23:00.000-05:00

Well folks, another year has about passed me by again and here I am childless. I'm beginning to wonder what I'm sure every IFer wonders. Am I just not meant to be mother? Maybe it's not part of the big plan and I shouldn't interfere.
I guess I'm starting to doubt my ability of motherhood. Okay, this post is suppose to be about what I am thankful for.

1- I am very thankful for my health. It hasn't failed me yet. Unless you want to include my reproductive health. I feel like without your health you have nothing.

2- I am very thankful for my family. Same as above, with out my family I would be lost.

3- I am truly thankful for my animals that provide me year round entertainment and unconditional love. Thank you Puma and Macey. Esp. you Puma, when you run around the house like a crazed kitty.

4- I'm also very thankful for my online friends. Who truly get it. Who have picked my ass up when my face has been flat down in the dirt. I love you all... I can not express how thankful I am for the many times you all have helped me or just listened to my woes.

5- Last but not least, I'm thankful for my work-a-holic husband who is never home. I know that he loves me even though he drives me insane at times. (note the sarcasm)

Okay people, have a nice Thanksgiving and I hope everyone enjoys the wonderful holiday season.

2005-11-17T09:25:00.000-05:00

Notice the pictures of the lovely trees that I've posted. I wish. Still no trees people. Brian did manage to pour the foundation for the brick columns. This week will be the last week of tree planting in these parts. So, I suppose the trees will not be planted this fall. Imagine that.
I suppose I shouldn't whine. It just pisses me off.
I need a break people. I need a vacation. I want to run far, far, away at this moment in time.
I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I guess what really bothers me is last year around this time I was cycling. Though, I don't want to cycle over Christmas or holidays ever again. Because let's face it, a negative beta on New Year's just doesn't quite give you a good feeling for the New Year to come. I know that I will be cycling again in the near future. But, at the moment I just feel drained. I feel like having a child, at the this point in my life, is never going to happen.
I've accepted the fact that I'm not going to adopt. I'm really not. My feelings on adoption have changed dramatically over the past few months.
I guess if this shared program doesn't work it will be child free living for me. I'll be the weird one on the block with the millions of cats that little kids are scared of.
Nice life huh? I never thought I would turn out to be the neighborhood freak show.
I guess as Forest Gump would put it, "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your going to get!" Or something along those lines.
How about my life is like a big pile of shit. It just keeps getting deeper.

Yeah yeah, this too shall pass!

Am I The Only Wife

2005-11-08T08:33:00.000-05:00

With a husband that always puts them on the back burner?
So, things have been a little tuff around the household.
My husband is an electrical contractor and is on a huge industrial project working his butt off. He worked about 80 hours last week. He's obsessed. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that he's a hard worker. But, sometimes it completely wears me out.
Take for instance, it's fall time. We have some major yard work to tackle. We live off a very busy road. But, we have 2 acres of land so we aren't on top of the road. I hate this road. Hate it. For the past 5 years I've wanted to plant bushes, shrubs, or trees to block the road off. B decided this year we would do it. So, we agreed on a certain type of tree we would plant to form a border and block the road off. Do you think he's gotten around to helping? No. Too busy working. I explained to him Saturday that I was going to purchase the Leyland Cypresses and do it myself. Or hire someone to tackle it. Of course, he got extremely mad at my suggestion.
Last spring we had several plant/shrubs along the side of the house. Yellow Belles and something else that was green. The plants were growing way to fast and too hard for us to keep up with so we yanked them out. Have we replaced the shrubs yet? NO.
The trees around our house need new mulch. Has that been done? NO.
And please don't get me started on the brick columns that are suppose to be at the beginning of our driveway. The foundation was dug, and that's it. So, there are two huge boxed off holes around the light pole, where a foundation is suppose to be poured and columns are suppose to be bricked.
It's driving me crazy.
I guess being a Virgo, I'm a little OCD about everything being neat. I'm also the type of person that when they start something they finish it.
B is the complete opposite. He can start something and let it sit and it doesn't bother him whatsoever.
I WANT MY TREES PEOPLE . I guess it time to call in the landscaper. I can see my husband coming home and I've had the yard landscaped. He would flip out! He's so psycho when it comes to yard work. He thinks he's the only person who can do it correctly.
What also makes me angry is this? If someone would call him(say anyone) and ask for help with something. He would drop everything and run to help. I'm serious! But, let me ask for one simple little thing that I need fixed or PLANTED and it's a knock down drag out argument(we don't throw blows). But, it does get heated sometimes.
Will someone please explain this? Does anyone else have a husband that will help out everyone else? But, when you want or need something done, you are pushed on the back burner?

Okay Mr. RE

2005-11-03T19:43:00.000-05:00

Are you reading my blog? If you are, you really don't know me yet? I mean when I expressed I was having a little anxiety about cycling. I didn't mean that I wanted to have my consult rescheduled.
This is no shit!
My Re's nurse called yesterday because my RE has got called out of town for an emergency until Nov. the 26th.
Just weird how things happen sometimes.
Talk about signs...
So, now I'm not consulting until Dec. Which is fine. Which means that I more than likely won't cycle until Feb.
More waiting.
Not that I feel like cycling. Right now I could care less if I ever stick myself with a needle again.
More waiting. More time to figure out if this is what I really want I guess.

Getting Scared

2005-11-02T09:43:00.000-05:00

As my consult approaches in less than a week for the shared risk. I'm finding myself scared. I'm feeling a lot of anxiety also.
My reasons are as follows:
1) I don't know if I'm prepared mentally to take on 3 IVF cycles and 3 Fet cycles in 1 year. Not that I'll have enough to freeze. But, that's part of the package if I do. I must perform all cycles within a year or no money will be returned.

2) I'm out of pocket on all expenses. The amount of money we are getting ready to drop on this makes my stomach turn. I'm not a huge fan of debt. I am just now starting to get out of debt from opening my salon 3 years ago. Also, we finally have all our debt paid off from my surgeries, past 2 IVF's, and the FET.

3) Is this worth it? I mean to subject my body to all of these procedures on top of all of the surgeries I've had in the past. I mean of course it will be worth it if I do take home a live baby. But, what if I m/c again? I don't know mentally if I can handle another loss. I have vivid nightmares from time to time of being pregnant and delivering and things not going so well. I feel like sometimes it's a premonition. Trying to warn me of what lies ahead.
If someone could just tell me that it will work or let's just say I had a crystal ball and I could see into the future that it would work. I wouldn't hesitate. I wouldn't look back at all. But, considering all that I've been through. I just don't want anymore heartache.

5) When I cycle, I'm not the most pleasant person in the world. It usually causes huge amounts of stress on B and I. Nice agurements and all of that other good junk!

I don't know, I'm confused and scared and not quite sure if I can handle all of this! When is enough, really enough?

Meet Cinderella

2005-11-01T08:26:00.000-05:00

Well, Miss T thinks she's Cinderella. My husband and I took my niece, Trinity, trick or treating last night. We had fun. Under any other circumstances I would have never attempted to go trick or treating. Thanks IF!
Miss T hung with the best of them. She loved it. The great thing about being an Aunt is, I let her eat unlimited amounts of candy. Then I got to drop her off at her grandmother's house when we were finished trick or treating!
The picture is not the best. It could have used some editing. I lost my software to for my digital camera when I upgraded and had my computer repaired. So, now I must find my software in the mist of all the other junk in my office/computer room.
It was so funny last night. Trinity's crown was a little too big and kept falling down around her eyes. I asked her if she would like to take it off. Oh no, she was wearing it no matter what. My husband and I thought for sure she would ditch the crown.
Overall, it was a very fun night. Except I kept snatching candy out of Trin's bucket. Okay, sometimes you have to indulge a little. It was Halloween!

Return of the Fat Ass

2005-10-29T08:17:00.000-04:00

I about passed out from shock when I stepped on the scales this morning. 140 pounds people. Gulp, how did this happen? And when?
I know some people may say 140 is not a lot of weight but to me it is. I'm small boned and I'm only 5 feet 3 inches. So, that's a lot of weight on me. My normal weight use to be anywhere from 128 to 135. 140 is ridiculous. I'm sick of being out of shape.
Dr. Google also just told me for my height, my idea body weight should be between 117 and 137. So, as you see I'm now overweight for my height. I doubt I'll ever see 117, but 130 is reachable.
Today I will turn over a new leaf.
I will start to exercise again and watch what I eat.
I guess I've just let myself go after this last FET. I haven't exercised in weeks and I feel horrible.
I don't want to attempt to go into the holidays at this weight. Because I know what I will look like after the holidays are over with.
I have to do this for myself, have too!
Even though my back has a pinched nerve in it, I will do everything I can to take off some of this weight.
NO MORE FAT ASS...

Stopping the Madness

2005-10-27T08:21:00.000-04:00

Well, I counted my last blogging and I think I managed to use the F word atleast 7 times. Nice language huh?
Can you tell I had/have PMS, lovely huh?
Feeling much better this morning. My best friend meant well. I know this. We've been friends for 20 years. But, sometimes I just don't understand why people insist on giving assvice? Why?
I guess you don't realize the situation a person is in until you have walked in their shoes. Which I noticed myself giving assvice with another friend. I did not even realize I was doing this. I can't believe me? I'M GUILTY? Yes, I'm afraid I am.
My dear friend is single and she's 33. She has never been married and doesn't have children. She has a wonderful career but when it comes down to the man department she has had no luck whatsoever. So, I constantly try to set her up with every single, good-looking, winner- type man, that walks through my salon doors.
After the last blind date, she told me she was okay on the dating situation and didn't want to be hooked up again. I must admit, I might have hooked her up with a guy that hasn't retired his player belt yet. But, damn, I guess I feel since I'm happily married everyone else should be also.
So, last night it just kind of hit me. What I'm doing to my friend M is no worse than what all the ferties do to me. They are giving assvice and soliciting unwanted help.
I must stop my own madness!
Poor M, I now wonder why she even bothers with me. She comes Saturday to get her color and I must admit. I had a very interesting prospect to set her up with. But NO, I must change my evil ways. I will not do it unless she ask!

I'm so ...

2005-10-25T18:45:00.000-04:00

G-d, I don't even know how to describe how I feel at this moment. ANGRY! Very angry and pissed. Why is it that ferties are so oblivious to what comes out of their mouths? WHY?
My best friend calls me today to tell me I should try this certain IVF clinic because her sister works with a girl who used it and got pregnant on the first try.
She then proceeds to tell me the name of the clinic.
I then tell her that's my old clinic.
"Are you sure?" Then she spells the name of the clinic out and tells me the city and state that it's located in.
I tell her yes, I'm sure.
But here's what I really wanted to fucking say:
"Yes I'm sure, you stupid fucking bitch!"
"I'm 100 percent fucking sure, I've only had surgery to remove my last tube by the RE at this clinic." "Do you not remember my last ectopic, or are you sure you were listening when I was crying on your fucking shoulder?"
"I've wrote countless checks out for the money spent for the surgery, ER, ET, ICSI, fertility drugs, and let's not forget all the other bullshit that goes along with the IVF process."
"Yes, I'm soooo sure!"
"I believe I am well aware of the state that I was in when they took a huge fucking needle and pierced through my uterus to retrieve my shitty eggs because I had to drive 3 fucking hours to get there and then spend the night."
"Once again, are you sure you were listening to me when I told you about all of this ?"
"Yes, I fully aware of where the clinic is!" I've made countless fucking trips there for all of the many, many, appointments!"
"Now please don't tell me about anymore fucking fairyland clinics that I need to try because I'm on my fucking third now."

Sometimes I just wish I would speak my mind.
Boy, am I in a mood today or what?